There's something wrong with me.

...or maybe there's not.

Welcome to Shame Sandwich, where Megan feels equal parts shame and glee in sharing hilarious personal thought rants every Friday. Sometimes on shame, sometimes shame infused, and other times, nothing to do with shame. Warning: Usually very sweary. Enjoy responsibly.

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There’s something wrong with me.

I’ve scribbled that sentence in my notebook more times than I can count in recent weeks.

My journal is full of such jagged thoughts.

Too tender to be expressed anywhere but in the intimate embrace of the pages that contain my prose.

Twisted thoughts that otherwise turn dry in my throat pour forth from my mind, leaving ink trails in their wake.

Thank god for writing, I always think.

Except… there’s something wrong with me.

I cannot, for the life of me, move past my “stuckness”.

My right foot has the gas pedal pushed all the way to the floor, while my left foot is glued to the brake with superhuman strength.

And it’s destroying me.

There’s something wrong with me.

I dream of a different life but do nothing to make it happen.

Why?

That question haunts me.

There’s something wrong with me.

Nothing hits this point home quicker than my career.

My job is sucking the soul out of my soul and yet I do nothing to change my circomstances.

Absolutely nothing.

How can that be?

Every day I sit down at my desk, open my work laptop, and get the urge to flee.

The motivation to complete 97% of my responsibilities remains a consistent, unchanging, zero point zero percent.

And so I procrastinate.

I procrastinate so hard.

If I don’t have a loaded barrel deadline staring me straight in the eyes, I simply cannot find the motivation to work on a project.

You would not believe how strong my procrastination habits are.

Even when the stakes are high.

Still… nothing.

If I don’t find a task rewarding or fun or interesting… you’d have more luck getting me to scrub toilets with my teeth than to complete it right away to get it over with.

I have to be backed into a corner to get anything done most of the time.

To be clear, I do get my responsibilities done.

It’s just that it usually requires Hurclean strength and years taken off my life with the self-loathing over my self-procrastination.

There is something wrong with me.

How is it that I don’t want to stay where I’m working and yet I do… nothing to change my circomstances?!

JESUS MOTHERFUCKING COCK-CODLING CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!

Am I really just a lazy bitch?

Do I really just need to “focus harder”?

Or.

What if.

What if— I’m actually not broken and I’m simply… me.

Megan Lee, to be exact.

A woman who hates working at a job she’s no longer passionate about and would rather scrub toilets with her teeth than complete tasks that she ultimately doesn’t give 2 hamster asses about. Who actually isn’t entirely sure what her next move should be. And so she’s stuck in the Purgatory of the messy middle. And it’s actually ok. The only part that’s not “ok” is thinking she isn’t “ok”.

Hm. Well.

That actually makes a fuck ton of sense.

Yes, I am the most motivated procrastinator you will ever find. Of that I am certain.

And yet… somehow, when I acknowledge that and dare I say embrace it… Something strange starts to happen.

I… relax.

I… stop hating myself.

I… realize that I’m a worthy human being.

And then?

I smile.

And maniacally laugh at the absurdity of my situation.

Here I am, in self-loathing-hell over my procrastination ways, when in reality… I could be procrastinating and in self-loving-heaven.

Same outcome, completely different experience.

How absurdly hilaroius is that?!?!?!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Life is so strange.

Sometimes you really gotta loosen the reins and let instinct take over.

Even if it feels like an out-of-control procrastination orgy.

Because sometimes, just sometimes… letting yourself fully partake in the out-of-control procrastination orgy is the only way to break the self-loathing, shameful cycle.

Who knows, maybe you’ll stop procrastinating once you’re done procreating!

Or maybe, you’ll decide you really love out-of-control procrastionion orgys and live joyfully every after fitting procrastination into your life shame free!

Either way… fighting this shit isn’t getting me anywhere I want to be.

Sometimes, you really just need to stop forcing yourself to get where you want to go, you know?

Maybe I’m not so broken after all.

🥹

-M

p.s. - omg I’m feeling so happy right now!!! I can just… let myself be?! What?!?!?! I think… I think this is some massive Megan progress right now. 🥹♥️

p.p.s - Have the BESTEST Friday + weekend, Shame Sandwich fam. ❤️‍🔥

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From the bottom of my tiny tits, thank you for being here. If these words made you feel, it would mean the world if you could tap the lil ‘heart’, leave a comment or share this. 🖤

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