My Almost Adult Moment with Banana Bread. πππ©
The Lite Shame Sandwich ::: No. 018
Welcome to the Lite Shame Sandwich, where Megan feels equal parts shame and glee in sharing a once-monthly edition at the end of the month that serves no purpose except to brighten your day by brightening Meganβs ego. β for shame.
May Recap
So Iβm currently staring at a blank cursor having less than zero idea what is about to procreate forth from my fingertips sans protection so please bear with me. β fun fact I spelled 4 words wrong in that opening sentence so itβs good to know Iβm right on schedule! #ForeverSpellFucked ππ Thank God Satan β thought Iβd give Godβs nemesis a chance for once for Grammarly!!!!!
Guess what? I basically had an adult moment with a piece of banana bread earlier this week and I feel like now is a good time to tell you about it. Because, well, one does not have an almost adult moment with banana bread and not tell her Substackers about it, right?????
Did I or did I not warn you I had no idea what was about to flow forth. π¬π
Ironically enough, my almost adult moment with the banana bread does not have anything to do with the fact that a banana in its full shaft form looks like a male appendage that has tried to bench press a 10-pound brick and is now permanently bent a little sexual.
Nay, this almost adult moment with the banana was after it was de-shafted.
DE-SHAFTED???? Hahahahahaha.
You see, after I had handled the de-shafted bananas and measured and mixed and stirred the rest of the ingredients into the bowl and poured it into the pan to bake and let it bake for the required 52 + extra 3 minutes, I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT IN THE OVEN.
ππππππ
Completely absorbed in my work, I turned off the beeping timer and meant to grab the banana bread out of the oven in just one second but because I have the memory of a brainless goldfish on a good day mixed with the fact that I was completely absorbed in my work, wellβ¦ letβs just say that banana bread got a niiiiiiice crisp tan a bit fucked.
Was I mad? Yes. Were swears uttered? Obviously. Did that deter me from still eating the slightly burnt and no longer moist shaftless banana bread? Not in the slightest.
I mayyyyy or may not be addicted to freshly homemade banana bread and find it nearly physically impossible to eat only one slice.
Which is how I ended up with basically having an adult moment with the banana bread.
If I had stopped at one piece I would have been fine.
BUT WHO CAN STOP AT ONE PIECE WHEN YOU WIELD THE KNIFE AND NO ONE IS RESTRAINING YOU????? β is it just me or did that sound entirely more sinister than I intended???
And so, while still chewing the last of the first slice, and before I could tell myself to stop, I sliced another slice and took a ginormous bite of the new slice. And swallowed.
And basically had an adult moment with the banana bread.
You see, because this bad boi had baked so long in the oven, letβs just say there was a hefty crusting situation going on. Which I ignored in my haste to get as much banana bread into my mouth orifice as soon as possible.
What I did not realize was that hastily shoving hard-crusted banana bread into your mouth orifice and then swallowing like youβre paid to β do we see where this is going ends up feeling like you were deep throated by a fully shafted banana adorned with a barbed wire prince albert dick peircing. β oh yes. it hurt like hell.
Which is the scenic way of saying I scratched the shit out my throat deep throating swallowing some banana bread and it was basically an adult moment with banana bread. #WTF
But now you know: Learn from my lustful ways: Please practice safe banana breading.
ππππππ
Every week I write some crazy shit and every week Iβm like βOMG people are actually going to start digitally stoning me this week only to find outβ¦ you find this shit just as funny as I do!!! ππ β praise the godiest god for that!!!!
And now that weβve got THAT out of the way π β¦ letβs get onto this monthβs lite Shame Sammie recap, shall we?!
What Iβm Loving:
My jobβ¦?!?!?!?! I realize I need to go wash my mouth out with soap after uttering such blasphemy β pssst if you are my employer I donβt legally allow you to read any further π but I kind of am?????
I got promoted to leading my departmentβs team and I love it. For now. π€£ I love my team, I love leading, I love pressure. Do I love the work and industry Iβm in as a whole? No.
However, Iβm soaking up the moment right now, and dreaming of the day when Iβm fully unleashed and doing the kind of work that lights me up brighter than a lightning bug on cocaine. β sorry for more drug references lol. Fully unleashed things like: Writing. Entertaining. Inspiring. And, Livingβ¦ really living free.
What Iβm Substacking:
The Holy Business of Survival in the Red Light District by
Breathtaking, soul-shattering writing. If you want to feel, read this. π€we don't need uber, we need villages by
Christ this one hits me right in the left titty. Iβve been a very bad villager. And I want to rectify that. π₯Ή The charm is UNREAL with this one. If you need me, Iβm going to be lusting over the charm of France for the foreseeable future. π₯΅When a Miniature Rock Star With Religious Vibes Showed Up and Asked to Drown Me (Lovingly) by
This one had me busting out laughing while reading. π Now we know to be on the lookout for nonconsensual religious dunking! Hahaha (P.S. - I worked with JFT on his Substack rebrand and I know Iβm a taaaad biased but doesnβt new newsletter name and branding look awesome?!?! π€©) This one pierced me to my core. I *know* it was divine magic that it randomly popped up on my Substack feedβ¦ itβs from 4 years ago for Christβs sake! (and no, this is not about my relationship for the nosey AF peopleWhat Iβm Audio-Booking:
YβALL!!!!!!!!!!!! I finished The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk and it is PHENOMENAL. βΌοΈ
In fact, I think it should be required reading for everyone. Whether youβve personally been through trauma or know someone who has (spoiler alert: youβre guaranteed to know people who have π) it is incredibly powerful and helpful and hope-giving.
This book will have a lasting, profound and positive impact on my healing journey and Iβm forever grateful to have been connected to it. ππππππ
What Iβm Reading:
FICTIONβ
Reading Lady Clementine by Marie Benedict and honestly Iβm not crazy loving it. I mean, itβs βokayβ, and I find the story itself of learning about Winston Churchillβs wife fascinatingβ¦ itβs just that the narrative is pretty lackluster and not very grippingly told. Meh. Ugh lol.
NOT FICTIONβ
I just finished Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski Phd TODAY actually lol and I loved it!!! A solid 4.5/5 stars. Sex positive. Shame negative. Win = Win!!!
What Iβm Watching:
Another month where I find myself watching NOTHING because of all the things going on in my life. β€οΈβπ₯ Well, thatβs not entirely true... I do watch The Voice with my daughter (no spoilers please!!!! We have 2 episodes left lol) as well as our Friday night movies together. β₯οΈ
OH WAIT!!! I did watch ONE episode of my beloved brain-melting reality TV show Below Deck Mediterranean this month. ππ
What Iβm Musicing:
OMG Iβve been listening to SO MUCH RAGE music this month.
Itβs truly been getting me through some tough times and emotions that therapy has been bringing me up. Rage music is everything for me during these times.
But the song Iβve listened to the most this month?
The Sound of Silence by Disturbed.
HOLY HELL I AM IN LOOOOOVE WITH THIS SONG AT THE MOMENT!!!!!! In love.
I literally have had days where this has played in the background on repeat for hours.
The feels it gives me. Mmmmmmm. ππ
What Iβm Eating:
De-shafted and overly cooked banana bread. Obvs. π p.s. I went back for a THIRD slice after said adult incident which was absolutely a mistake because my throat was scratched up and swallowing was less enjoyable than ever π pls judge me so I stop having zero self control ughhhh.
Aaaaaaand thatβs a wrap on todayβs lite shame sammie!!! I feel like the intro was aggressively long and inappropriate so Iβm just going to end this here. π
HAVE THE BESTEST WEEKEND!!!!!!!
Cheers to closing out May and welcoming in SUMMER!!! π
-M
p.s. - Guess what?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Tomorrow, May 31st, is my OFFICIAL 1 Year Substack Anniversary!!!!!!!!!! That is just INSANE to me. π€― And so, so fucking awesome. If you missed last weeks newsletter on the topic, allow me to introduce you to your next read. ππ₯³β₯οΈ
p.p.s - Also super exciting!!!!! The next batch of my private journal entry goes out via SNAIL MAIL to my paid U.S. Subscribers in June so if you want to get in on the snail mail action, become a paid Subscriber and youβll be included π (Pssst, non U.S. paid subscribers still get to read the paywalled version of my private journal entry!!! π).
From the bottom of my tiny tits, thank you for being here. If these words made you feel, it would mean the world if you could tap the lil βheartβ, leave a comment or share this. π€
Want to give me a shame heart attack? Upgrade to Paid, support the Arts, my Writing, and Get Meganβs Private Journal Entries SNAIL MAILED TO YOU 1x every March, June, September & December, by way of Shame Sandwich couriour. π
Oh yep. I do this, but with fries. And peanut butter.
It is terribly unfair to make banana bread eating such a sexually descriptive act...