Let's talk about the C word.
And: big feels. 😭
Welcome to Shame Sandwich, where Megan feels equal parts shame and glee in sharing hilarious personal thought rants every Friday. Sometimes on shame, sometimes shame infused, and other times, nothing to do with shame. Enjoy responsibly.
Cunt.
Cunt.
Cunt.
Cunt.
Cuntity.
Cunt.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
What’s that?
Only I’m laughing?
Fuck a fat armpit that’s awkward. ← so was that statement. Holy Jesus. In my defense, it flew forth from my brain and shot out of my fingertips before I could stop it. Megan!!! STFU. ← Ok.
Authors Note: If you’re going to cry about me using the word cunt in my own newsletter then please see your cunty ass out. Don’t let the door slam your ass cunt on the way out, either.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Damn.
Megan is ON ONE today. ← Just Uban Dictionaried this phrase. Don’t worry, I’m not high on methamphetamine. Just high on myself. 😇
Anywho.
The C word I’m talking about today has nothing to do with the word cunt.
I just happen to find it extraordinarily satisfying to say!
😂😂😂😂
Truly, the next time you’ve been assaulted by life, legos, or drivers cutting you off, here’s some Megan-approved swears that are sure to rapidly boost your mood:
→ “Go eat a typhoid sandwich you dick cunt!!!!!”
→ “Christ’s cunt that hurt worse than anal!!!!!”
→ “You’ve got the cuntiest driver skills I’ve ever seen, you motherfucking ass-twat!!!!!”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Truly, I would have blown a gasket many moons ago if I weren’t able to relieve the pressure by swearing it out when the circomstances warranted it. 🙏
ANYWHO—
Now that we’ve established the fact that I will probably now have sworn ← hahaha enemies due to my obscene love for a well-placed ‘cunt’, let’s proceed with the actual point of this newsletter, shall we? 😁
.
.
.
The C word I’m referring to today is… Confidence.
Which, frankly, might as well carry the same connotations with cunt. 😭
That bloody bastard of a word.
I have confidence issues. And mommy issues.
Which is shameful.
Intellectually, I realize that it’s ridiculous to waste time second-guessing myself.
Of course everyone should be confident rocking their long necks and tiny tits and non botoxed faces and lackluster pedigree. ← speaking to myself, ok, speaking to myself. 😭
But on a more personal level… fuck.
Confidence has been in a lifelong game of hide and seek with me and IDK if that bastard is just a really good hider or I’m just a shitty seeker but goddamn.
IT’S BEEN A TOXIC GAME OF HIDE AND SEEK LEMME TELL YOU THAT MUCH.
I try and find it, but it’s nowhere to be seen.
It tries to find me and I’m wallowing in shame.
Repeat forever.
The end.
Oh, also. Let’s bring up the F word:
Fuck Fake It.
I’VE TRIED FAKING IT TILL I MAKE IT AND IT’S JUST NOT THE SAME THING, YOU KNOW???????
I mean sooooooometimes, yes, you just need to get a little confidence on credit situation and fake it a bit until you can get on with the real deal.
But uuuuuuuusually what happens is a shame spiral followed by a crash and burn.
What, just me?
Which is why I’m so desperate for real confidence and not fake confidence.
Authors note:
Holy hell. Dear reader, I must confess something to you. I am a different woman than I was 48 hours ago when I started writing this newsletter. Or at least, in this moment, I don’t at all feel like the woman I was 48 hours ago. What you’ve read up until now I wrote Wednesday. The rest, I’m writing right now before sending to you.
Something happened yesterday and it cracked me wide open.
It wasn’t something ‘bad’, or ‘good’. Just… neutral.
And yet it ripped me open and violently tore out my pain, shoving it in my face, demanding I see for myself what I’d buried in the deepest center of my being.
The force of the emotions that hit me all at once was otherworldly.
I’ve never felt so much, so unexpectedly, all at once.
That’s what’s most shocking to me… how unprepared I was.
I had no time to put up walls.
No time to protect myself.
And I simply… felt.
I feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me massively, you know?
My body feels different.
I feel different.
Not necessarily in a bad or good way… just different.
Processesing.
That’s what I’m doing right now, I’m processing the enormity of what my body felt yesterday.
Turns out, it’s pretty all-consuming. And there’s no way I can honor myself and also put a pretty pink black blow over the original intention of this newsletter.
And yet… I can’t help seeing the beautiful irony of what I started writing about, and where I ended up.
Real confidence, the kind I desperately crave, comes from being authentic, not faking it.
And my dear shame sammie homie… I am not faking it. 😭
I wasn’t faking it at the beginning of this newsletter, and I’m not faking it now.
And you know what? Holy titty twisties ← there’s a glimpse of Megan coming back 🥹🙏 I am exuding confidence in this newsletter. In all of my newsletters. Because they are authentic AF. 😭
It might still be shakey confidence because I’m never not scared that my newsletter is going to go out to crickets who aren’t even cricketing, which is is a terrible visual.
But— goddamn, I am confident in myself. I just need to let it bloom.
😭😭😭
And— I’m sooooooo proud of myself for not trying to “fake it” and attempting to finish this half-written newsletter in my normal energy that is just not present right now.
Homegirl needs a minute.
The feels are big.
And I’m being honest about that.
But also— if I feel the laughter and joy and energizer-bunny-Megan-energy bubbles back up, I’m going to grab it with both hands and a toe, and remember that it’s ok for ALL the feels to co-exist.
Whatever I’m feeling, I’m going to practice accepting.
Sorry in advance for the whiplash.
🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
-M
p.s. - Thank you for putting up with my sweary ass antics. 😭😂 I know not everyone, errr, ok fine most people aren’t as sweary as me. And for some people, swearing might make you uncomfortable. So, thanks for not shooting acid in my eyelids or some shit like that. I was sure that I wouldn’t have a subscriber left in sight when people got a taste for how sweary I can be. 😅 Your acceptance of my sweary, layered self means oh so much. 🥹♥️ ← I pre-wrote this p.s. on Wednesday, and leaving it in.
p.p.s. - Thank you for being here. 🥹🫶
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Okay megan. Some weeks I don't comment at all, other weeks you really drag a long letter out of me. But this one will be short.
So you curse and swear? Big deal. Not likely very many thin-skinned fundamentalist christians, are going to be reading your comments anyway. So fuck them. If I may put on their attitude:
"So you swear a lot. Sure, I'm offended! What else have you got?"
Seriously Megan, we love you. And look forward to this every Friday.
Don't let us down!
Girlfriend, you cast a WordSpell on yourself and it fucking WORKED! And you possibly didn't even know it.
Did you know that there are many disputed origins for the word "cunt"...some say it comes from Latin "cunnes"...or perhaps you have "descensus in cuniculi cavum" descended into the rabbit hole of the gash in the earth known as Cunt. A wise shaman once told me that the word cunt actually originates from before Sanskrit, and it means "a gash in the earth". Given that Earth is our Divine Mother, and Her gash would be any wedge (also a translation for cunt found on the interwebs) where she swallows up a seed so that she may grow that seed into a flourishing plant.
I ramble. My point is, in your rant about the c-word in the beginning, you evoked the energy of the Divine Mother and her ultimate role as the ultimate Nurturer and Creator. When you evoked this divine energy, you awoke something in yourself that is connected to Her Divine Femininity. You planted the seed inside yourself and it took just 48 hours, two days to germanate and grow into the other C-word... Confidence.
Cuz Mother Earth is just that, always confident. She knows her place. .She knows her role and damnit, she owns it. You connected with her.
You said it yourself
"And yet it ripped me open and violently tore out my pain, shoving it in my face, demanding I see for myself what I’d buried in the deepest center of my being."
just as a gash in the earth is a wedge we dig to plant a seed, you allowed yourself, like Mother Earth to be gashed open wide and swallowed up the seed to the center of your being and let it GROW into the Confidence that you are!
I'm so excited as I type this and read and re-read your words here. Excited for you to claim this ownership of the divine feminine inside you.
Cunt means Gash in the Earth, and a gash in the earth is a place where we plant and seed to grow into something that flourishes and beautifies and nurtures and nourishes the rest of the world.
You did it girlfriend! I just love you!!!!