I've been on Substack for 12 months, here are my 12 observations since joining...

The shamefully vulgar reflections you didn't know you needed.

Welcome to Shame Sandwich, where Megan feels equal parts shame and glee in sharing hilarious personal thought rants every Friday. Sometimes on shame, sometimes shame infused, and other times, nothing to do with shame. Enjoy responsibly.

---

HOLY LARGE MELLONS THIS IS MY SUBSTACK BIRTHDAY MONTH AND WE ABOUT TO GET LITTY TITTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jk i’m not about to start my tits on fire sorry for the false advertising if that is what you are here for i suggest you stick around anyways though you little pyromaniac

Now that we’ve got that weird intro out of the way. 😂

YO… I’ve been a WRITER on SUBSTACK for 12 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What?!?!?!?!?!

I full-on sphincter punker imagining how dull and wasted my life would be if I weren’t writing my newsletter.

😳😳😳😳😳😳😳

“New Study Reveals Writing on Substack Helps You Avoid Anus Shrivling” ← hahahahahahahahaha

SERIOUSLY!!!! What was I even doing with my life before publishing my thoughts out loud?

In the center most part of my soul, I’m a writer.

And an entertainer.

Honestly admitting that second one kind of felt like swallowing barbed wire on a 97-degree day. #kinky? ← stop it

How dare I call myself an entertainer????

That’s so fucking pretencious and egotistical and prideful and arrogant and honestly all of the sins.

And yet? It’s true.

I fucking love to entertain.

Love, love, love it.

And I’ve realized that words are my entertaining weapon of choice although I absolutely want to do improv/stand up comedy too can you imagine the shit stains I would be cleaning up from that good christ.

The best part is that entertaining doesn’t mean only or always making you laugh. It can also mean making you feel. And be seen. And feel less alone in this crazy cosmic role play we call life.

I used to really struggle with the idea that to entertain meant I could only be funny and never serious.

But somehow along this beautiful Substack journey I realized that is false.

Of course to entertain means both/and!!!

I can be funny and serious. Vulgar and profound. Sarcastic and tender.

Both are entertaining.

Both are beautiful.

And both make me feel deeply alive.

Writing truly gives my life purpose.

😭🙏

And I’m just so so so so so so fucking grateful for these last 12 months and being on this incredible platform. I still really cannot comprehend that it’s been a year already?!?!?!

In honor of such an important birthday milestone, and in keeping with Megan Lee tradition (looking at you 4 week and 6 month Substack milestones newsletter posts!), I obviously had to write a 12 month banger to commemorate my observations on my time here.

Which will be neither helpful nor relevant. 😂

But fuck it. I’m the birthday bitch and this is going to be fun.

Ready? Let’s gooooooooo.

I've been on Substack for 12 months, here are my 12 observations since joining...

OBSERVATION #1

You will grow bigger tits. JK. This is a falsehood. You will not grow bigger tits. At least I did not. If I was made of wood my nose size would be increased. Unlike my breasts. Now that I’ve made things incredibly on par awkward let’s proceed!!!!!

OBSERVATION #2

You will fall in love with your dream man. Ok fine I can’t technically verify this either. Except actually I kind of can because it happened to me!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously. I’m not saying Substack was the reason I’m with my man but it absolutely brought us closer together after I told him about my newsletter last fall AND I’M JUST SO GOBSMACKEDELY HAPPY!!!!!!!! 😭 Damn.

OBSERVATION #3

You will meet incredible people. The likes of which make me want to rob a bank so I can bankroll them all into the same city where I then throw a banger of a Substack party celebrating our amazingness and writingness and we laugh and dance and cry and laugh some more until the wee hours of the morning because how could that not be the most fun thing ever??????? Even though I feel like Substack is filled with the most varying degrees of introverts and the occasional lost? extrovert and it might be awkward assembling all my people’s in one place who don’t know each other but that’s what alcohal is for right I know it would be fine because Substack is filled with some of the bestest humans evvvvvver and we’d figure it out and all be bff’s by the end of the night right???? God I want thissssssssssss.

OBSERVATION #4

You may or may not go viral, tbd honestly pretty sure the algorithm has multiple personality disorder but I can’t really judge because bitch I do to lol. But if you do go viral it will be a blindfolded roller coaster ride. And then you will wonder if you peaked prematurely in preschool. And then it kind of fucks with your head which is SHAMEFUL TO ADMIT BUT IT’S TRUE. You’re always sort of forever living in the shadow of your viral note. Wondering if your next note will go viral. Spoiler alert: it will not go viral. And you will try to pretend that you’re ok with that.

OBSERVATION #5

You will realize you inhibit narsasistic traits with the amount of times you re-read the own shit you write because sweet asses of angels is anything more perfect than what you finger fucked from your keyboard onto the gilded digital page?!?!?! Seriously though are you even a Substacker if you don’t re-read what you’ve written at LEAST 7.39 times after publication in a span of 22 minutes hours????? Goddamn.

OBSERVATION #6

You will develop an unhealthy dopamine addiction to the color orange thanks to the notifications bar. I can’t walk past the citrus section in the grocery store without my eyes popping out my head when I see the oranges. Which is also why you deleted the Substack app off your phone because homegirl cannot be trusted to have self-control. Substacks Anonymous??? lol ← ok wait that could be a BANGER Substack newsletter and now I want to start a secret newsletter with that name!!!!!!!

OBSERVATION #7

You will inexplicably get the urge to visit your newborn posts. And utter: ‘AWWWWWW! WHAT A LIL TINY BABY YOU WERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🥹’ Followed by: ‘Fucking Christ you were a fucking ugly baby too what were you thinking writing that???’ Comforted by: ‘I can still legally disown you anytime I want’ which I think is a reasonable thought for any parent rearing a sweary shameful toddler. Right??????

OBSERVATION #8

You will realize you are indeed the sweariest cunt this side of the Mississipi and the other side of the Mississipi too. And you’re kind of sort of completely proud of it. I mean honestly, do you know of any Substacker that is more vulgar than me?! 😬😅 Just look at this:

hehehehehehehehehehehehehe #yikes

OBSERVATION #9

You will suddenly find yourself exposing your midriff. Along with the tender midriff exposure of your soul, too. And it will feel as horribly awfully cleansingly therapeutic as you can imagine that would feel. It’s like being turned inside out while lemon juice is raining down on you but you’re also having an orgasm so it’s confusingly bad but pleasurable? ← that was a shamefully weird analogy.

OBSERVATION #10

You will begin therapy. Just me???? But not because of Sustback but also not not because of Substack. Does that make sense???? It’s like what came first, the chicken or the egg??? Basically, I think being brave enough to open up on Substack allowed me to open up more IRL which allowed me to open up to being brave enough to see a therapist. WHICH UP UNTIL THEN HAD TERRIFIED THE VAGINA OUT OF ME!!!!!!!! Open up? Admit I need help? Christ’s testicles. Anywho. It’s terrible and wonderful. And messy. So, so messy.

OBSERVATION #11

You will have fond memories of fucking yourself to procreate your lil Substack baby. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Pls tell me you found this funny as well. Seriously though can you imagine if you didn’t impregnate yourself with your own lil Substack babe?! HOW TRAGIC WOULD THAT BE!!!!!!! All I can say is that I’ve fucked myself over for a loooooooong time before I finally did so without protection ← weird I know. And I’m so glad I finally did. Writing here on Substack and interacting with my *amazing* community is truly one of the things I’m most proud of. DAMN. I love being a writer. 😭

OBSERVATION #12

You will realize there is no greater high* than making people laugh or making people feel all the feels with your words aside from possibly methenmetaphines but I actually think that making people laugh and feel tops a meth binge I think?????? Great erupting volcanoes I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE to share the gift of laughter, and feeling the feels. Because to be seen just might be the second greatest high. And if I can help you feel seen and feel joy? Imma need to go to rehab be the luckiest bitch this side of the milky way.

---

Aaaaaaaaand, that’s a wrap.

Happy 12 months to me baby!!!!!!!!!!!! 🥳🥹✨🙏♥️

I hope this unhinged birthday newsletter made you chuckle. Or at least pleasurably sphincter pucker. ← good god woman. And remember, there’s no greater high than being yourself. So put your crack pipe down, pick up your pen, and let’s get high on writing! Err, something like that. 😂 You get what I mean, right?

Be yourselves, babes. And everything will write right itself.

I love you all tremendously.

And I truly mean that.

Bringing you the joy of laughter and the gift of being seen is truly what I get in return, too. 🙏

So: thank you for spending some of your precious time with me.

It means oh so much. 🥹

And now, have the bestest bestest weekend!!!!!!

-M

p.s. - *actually there is one other high that really cannot be topped… and that is falling in love and letting yourself be seen by your partner. 😭 That shit is like herion to the heart. ❤️‍🔥 sorry for all the drug references lolol

p.p.s. - it’s my Substack birthday so you have to drop a comment. it’s the rules. 😂🥹

---

From the bottom of my tiny tits, thank you for being here. If this made you feel, it would mean the world if you could tap the lil ‘heart’, leave a comment or share this. 🖤

Want to give me a shame heart attack? Upgrade to Paid, support the Arts, my Writing, and Get Megan’s Private Journal Entries SNAIL MAILED TO YOU 1x every March, June, September & December, by way of Shame Sandwich couriour. 🐌