Oh Hi, This Is Uncomfortable For Me To Admit

Why changing my mind feels like changing a tire on the side of the road at 3:57am and it's freezing out and I don't know what I'm doing and motherf*ck me!!!

Welcome to Shame Sandwich, where Megan feels equal parts shame and glee in sharing hilarious personal essays, thoughts, and dear-diary-esque rants on Fridays. Sometimes on shame, sometimes shame infused, and other times, nothing to do with shame. Enjoy responsibly.

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That sound you’re hearing right now?

It’s the sound of my arm hairs being viciously ripped from flesh, handfuls at a time, as the perfect-shade-of-tan-bandaid is forcefully, brutally, mercilessly pulled off from my arm soul.

Translation?

Megan’s got some shameful shit to share today and she really doesn’t want to share it but she also can’t not share it so she is just going to stop rambling now and:

Oooooooooowch that fucking hurt!!!!!!

🩹🩹🩹🩹🩹

Ok. Now that the bandaid has been non-consensually removed I suppose I shall proceed.

but what if i keep stalling because I am really really good about stalling did you know I could win any contest anywhere at any time for stalling? the shit that could flow forth from my fingertips is ENDLESS I tell you and not just boring shit, shit so random it would make your head explode which doesn’t make any sense but why does it need to make SENSE ROBERT that is the question and now that you’re slowly considering backing away (pls don’t) I shall keep going because goddamn stalling feels GOOD is this what criminals think before they criminal: “criminalling feels good” so they just keep doing it? ← i’m sorry, what? ok i really need to fucking stop this but can you really stop something that is in motion CHRIST if you just read all of this you are a miraculous SAINT that much is true. holy hell i think i just wrote all of this holding my breath

Hi. My name is Megan and I’m a scared, stalling, shameful wench of a human. Nice to meet you. 🤝

Moving on.

What I’m scared, stalled and ashamed about is the fact that gulps I have an INORDINATELY ← holy mother of medusa I just spelled that word right on the first time and I didn’t trust it and had to double check this is a massive accomplishment hard time PIVOTING once I’ve started something.

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Yep, I am ashamed of pivoting. And more specifically: I’m terrified of changing my mind after I’ve started something.

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And to be completely, shamefully honest?

I’ve lived a LOT of my life STAYING in shit that I had either out-grown, changed my mind about, or simply no longer fit me anymore... just because I was afraid of people’s reactions and rocking the boat, capsizing to the sea of conflict.

And it wrecks me to admit that.

😭😭😭😭😭😭

My people-pleasing tendencies are like TENACIOUS WEEDS IN THE FERTILE GROUND OF MY SOUL, CHOKING ME OUT. 😭

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Now, the RATIONAL side of my brain knows staying in something that is no longer the right fit for me is ridiculous. That part of me says:

“Megan. Dearest. ← aww! Silly Goose! ← being so sweet today! You can change your mind any GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING TIME YOU PLEASE, AS OFTEN AS YOU GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING PLEASE, FOR ANY GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING REASON YOU WANT TO. ← lol. Truly. There is no such thing as changing your mind too much if you’re doing it out of love and following your soul.

Sometimes? Getting it right only happens by first going down the paths that aren’t right for you. And then? You learn. You grow. You get wisdom. And then? → You go down a new path! And you repeat that as many motherfucking times as it takes to find YOUR path.

And then? Even after you’ve FOUND your path, you remember that growth isn’t stagnant, living isn’t stagnant, and you’ll discover that you’ll need to pivot when you’ve outgrown the path you’re on.

True living requires fierce courage to relentlessly commit to what you know is right for your soul.

And sometimes?

That means relentlessly pivoting until you find the path you’re meant to be on.

Change your mind as many times as it motherfucking takes. You’re uncomfortable? THAT’S OK. That doesn’t detract from the rightness of your path.

So, my Megan dearest… be brave. Don’t chase your dreams, BECOME your dreams by shapeshifting into them… one decision and pivot at a time. 🖤”

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DAAAAAAAAAAAMN. My Rational slash Higher Self side had some TRUUUUUUTH to say today. 🥹

Wow. 🥹

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Not going to lie, there are several things in my life that I know I need to pivot on. And it terrifies me. Some more than others. ← did we just have a serious Megan moment.

And one of those things that I know I need to pivot on, right now?

it’s my Substack posting schedule

EXCUSE ME WHAT WAS THAT????

…It’s my Substack posting schedule. 🙈

I’m feeling burnt out from trying to do all the things: FT single mom, work FT at my job, building a business on the side, and yes, posting 2x weekly on Substack. It’s all caught up to me and I’m 2 degrees of separation away from inhaling water into my lungs.

And it pains and shames me to admit that!

Yet? I know that writing about and admitting the shameful shit is the only way I’m going to do something about it.

Which is why I’ve made the PAINFUL MIGHT I ADD decision to cut back to publishing my newsletter 1x weekly on Fridays, + 1 monthly lite shame sammie recap at the end of each month.

Of course the thoughts that immediately follow are:

→ duhhhh, stupid 😒 people are going to be relieved you’re not crowding their inboxes 2x weekly ← that stings yet totally understand if true lol

→ people are going to drop off because they think you’re dropping off

→ people are gonna think you’re a loser for changing your posting schedule

→ you’re not going to grow because you’re not putting out enough content

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But?

FUUUUUUCK IT.

I know my soul knows what’s right for me.

And I’m going to shakily trust it.

Changing my mind feels like anal painful. My ego is quite literally throwing a tantrum on the floor right now.

(And I’m squirming uncomfortably at the thought of all of the other areas in my life I know I need to “change my mind about”, too. 😭)

Changing from 2x weekly to 1x weekly with Substack is so very bittersweet. I LOVE writing this newsletter. And? I know I need the space to not feel like I’m drowning. 😅

Which is why I’m going to shamefully “change my mind” and do what I know is right for me. 🫶

And hopefully… I keep “changing my mind” in all of the other areas in my life that I know I need to change my mind about, too. → pls pray for me to do it in all of the areas. Change is uncomfortable AF for me. 🥲

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Whew! Ok. 😂 And now I say: thank you thank you thank so much for reading and spending your energy with me. It truly warms my heart. 🥹

And? It’s ok for you to change your mind on shit, too. Please, join me in changing your mind on shit that you’ve outgrown, and are only hanging onto out of fear of rocking the boat. We’ve got this. 🥹👊

HAVE THE BESTEST FRIDAY!!!!

-M

p.s. WAIT. Guess what?? I have something very exciting to tell you. 🤭 Remember when I shamefully told you I’m going to Ireland? THAT’S HAPPENING NEXT WEEK!!!! I REPEAT. I’M GOING TO IRELAND NEXT WEEK!!! ON A SOLO TRIP. AND I’M SOOOO EXCITED AND YES ALSO NERVOUS LOL BUT SERIOUSLY CAN’T WAIT!!! (((Any Irish folks reading this that want to meet up?!?! I’ll be there Sept. 12th - 17th!)))

Which is another reason I had to tell you that I’m stopping my weekly Tuesday email, there is no way I could keep up writing 2 newsletters every week especially with everything going on this month. 🥲

The “old” me would probably try and die carry on. But. I’m practicing being courageous ← barf so weak lmao by “changing my mind” and doing what I know is the right thing to do.

Anywho.

I’M GOING TO IRELAND!!!!! 😍😍😍😍 And… I know I could “take a week off” next week and skip next Friday’s newsletter, but I’m going to write it before I go and schedule it to send on Friday, and it’s going to be all about why I’m going to Ireland, AND I CAN’T WAIT FOR YOU TO READ IT, WHILST I’M GALAVANTING AROUND IRELAND. 🥹🥹🥹

And this concludes the longest p.s. ever. 😂

p.p.s - holy shit I’m going to Ireland next week. I have sooooo much to do!!!! 😂

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Hi, hello! You just read Shame Sandwich where I, Megan, share some shit with you in the only way I know how: blasphemously.

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