nice sensible deferential good girl

thoughts on censorship, and what lies beyond

Welcome to Shame Sandwich, where Megan Lee is writing her way back to wholeness, one personal overshare at a time. Sometimes deep, sometimes swearily un-hinged. Please enjoy responsibly. 🖤

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FUCK A FUCK.

I do this thing where I start writing and then North Korea all over myself.

Censorship. I’m talking about censoring the fuck out of myself.

WHICH IS INSANITY.

What am I even doing if I cannot be honest in my own newsletter????????????????

Thankfully, I have always borne my shameful soul certified raw in each and every newsletter I publish.

But.

And yes, there’s an ass.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t other topics I would want to censor the cunt out of, which means I simply don’t touch them.

LIKE TONIGHT.

Currently, it’s Thursday evening as I sit ass deep in my couch cushions finger fucking my keyboard.

AND I’VE HAD SOOOOOOOOOOOO MANY THOUGHTS THAT I WANTED TO WRITE BUT THEN I CONSTIPATE.

I have a linguistically tightened anal spincter situation going on and I simply freeze up.

BECAUSE WHAT WOULD THE GOOD PEOPLE (YOU) THINK OF ME IF I SIMPLY SQUIRTED AND BLURTED ONTO THE PAGE EXACTLY WHAT I’M THINKING???????

hm can you request someone be put into an insane asylum after you’ve read their newsletter thoughts because if so that would alarm me ← some of my thoughts

And then it hit me.

Or is hitting me because this is real time, baby.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO LET GO.

Like, really let go.

I cling so fiercely to the illusion of control.

Even though I can feel that on the other side of control is pure fucking magic.

Does that make sense?

It’s like I know that if I just go through the bloody portal of Losing Control^{TM ← not really lol} everything will click into place for me but I cannot seem to make myself go through the bloody portal of Losing Control^TM.

I’m cementified ← oh yes, I made that word up in place. Feet won’t budge. Fear is palpable.

Wow that is so uncomfortable to sit with.

I am petrified of losing control. Of giving up the script of the “nice sensible deferential good girl”.

But?

FUCK IT.

I did not come this far to only come this far.

I vow that every day hence forth I’m going to practice becoming the opposite of whatever is on the other side of the “nice sensible deferential good girl”.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I still don’t know exactly what that means in the practical sense.

But I do have a pretty good grasp on how I want to feel.

And I want to feel free.

Fiercly free.

I have been getting a large amount of nudges the last couple of months to flow not force shit.

And I’m listening. Or at least, practicing putting that into practice.

But it’s INSANE how deep the “people pleasing” programming runs. 😳

So if you need me this summer, I’m going to be flowing and fucking.

Not necessarily in that order, but maybe.

And having fun doing it.

Because if we’re not having fun?

What are we even doing.

-M

p.s. — HAVE THE BEST FUCKING WEEKEND.

p.p.s. — I am about to turn 33 next week and I’m kind of FREAKING OUT about it. Which I know is in direct disempowerment to what I stated just previously but also remember the part where I said I wasn’t going to force censoring myself? Yeah. So, yep. Still grappling with all of the human feels of turning 33 next week. Like, am I old and haggard and officially past my prime? Ugh. BITCH, NAW YOU WILL ALWAYS BE PRIMING. ← my amazing higher self to me. OMG I needed that. I love her. 😭 Ok bye.

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From the bottom of my tiny tits, thank you for being here. If these words made you feel, it would mean the world if you could tap the lil ‘heart’, leave a comment or share this. 🖤