My Co-Dependent Relationship with Gurus.

Or— How my shameful addiction to rules is fucking shit up.

Welcome to Shame Sandwich, where Megan feels equal parts shame and glee in sharing hilarious personal essays, thoughts, and dear-diary-esque rants every Friday. Sometimes on shame, sometimes shame infused, and other times, nothing to do with shame. Enjoy responsibly.

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I’m at the top of Mustang Mountain.

I’ve got a neon black (← wtf hahahah) helmet on, my hoo-haa is precariously perched on a barely padded and ungodly small triangle, and my feet are scrambling to find the pedals. MOUNTAIN BIKING, I’m fucking mountain biking. And then beeeeeeeeep! the whistle blows and before I’m anywhere near ready— holy triple hell I find myself racing down the mountain against seasoned veterans, and here I gooooooooooo!!!!!!

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Oh hi. ^That’s exactly how I feel right now. Terror mixed with adrenaline mixed with wtf am I doing mixed with fuck yeahhhh mixed with… I’m not ready omfg as I find myself racing down the mountain writing this newsletter.

You see, I KIND of know what I’m going to write about right now, and I also kind of don’t. Which is stressing me out. I feel like I’ve been flirting with an idea for this newsletter all day and the excitement is building and then— damn, I actually have to write this thing and I don’t know how I’m supposed to convey my mountain bike racing thoughts.

CHRIST ENOUGH STALLING. BLOODY GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.

Ok. Jesus.

The topic I want to talk about today is… MY CO-DEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP WITH GURUS. Or— How my shameful addiction to following rules is fucking shit up.

I use “guru” very tongue in cheek, here. I don’t revere anyone as a “guru” but for the sake of this newsletter I’m going to apply that term to anyone that I respect or look up to, as a “guru”. Good? Good.

I didn’t know this would turn out to be such a shameful topic for me be this is a shameful topic for me. 😭 I am soooo ashamed for being a “rule” follower.

In my mind, I want to be the cool, confident lass who gives zero (that’s the absence of anything) fucks. 🤘

Now before we proceed any further I feel compelled to offer a BIG disclaimer.

I’m not a rule follower in ALL areas of my life:

• Speed limits? They’re for losers law-abiding citizens.

• Watching hit shows at the same time as all the cool people? Please. I will purposefully not follow trends. 💅

• Aaaaaaand that’s mostly it. Rules are my SAFE SPACE. 😭😭😭

I’m horny for rules. Jesus no I am not but you get my point.

As long as I know what the rules are, and I play within them, I won’t get kicked out of the herd, is my thought process, in a nutshell.

And in today’s digital hell world, you can’t so much as step out onto your digital porch without fielding posts and billboards and carrying pigeons sending you messages from the gurus of “DO THIS, NOT THAT”, “THIS IS BEST”, “10 RULES (← 🥵) TO LIVE YOUR LIFE”, “NEVER DO THIS”, “HERE’S THE SECRET TO HAPPINESS”, ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC.

To my rule-loving self, it’s like cocaine in a lollipop. What tastes so fun can surely not be bad?!?!?!

I love love love all of the guru’s advice. And feel duty-bound to follow their rules. 😩

And when I say I feel duty bound I mean I feel like I was drafted into said method, issued my weapon and told to march fucking march, bitch. And march I do.

I’ve taken any faith in myself out behind the barn and shot it, shoved my intuition to the deepest corner of my rucksack, and kept on marching until my feet bled.

Don’t believe me?

Here’s the list of “personal/health/career development-ish” books I’ve deapthroated listened to over the last 24 months or so in the name of up-leveling my life:

• Leaders Eat Last

• The Untethered Soul

• Nudge

• Ikigai

• Eat, Pray, Love

• The Budha and the Badass

• The Meaning of Human Existence

• Let My People Go Surfing

• Moonshots: Creating a World of Abundance

• Impro

• Bossypants

• Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself

• The Psychology of Money

• Start Something That Matters

• The Top Five Regrets of the Dying 

• Creativity, Inc.

• The Wim Hof Method

• The Well Lived Life

• Fierce Conversations 

• Untamed

• When the Body Says No

• Self-Compassion

• No Rules Rules

• The Soul of Money

• Tough Titties

• The Happiness Project

• If You Could Live Anywhere

• The Middle Finger Project

• The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success

• Die Empty

• The Accidental Creative

• The Now Habit

• The Story of a Soul

• The Artists Way

• Super Gut

• Atlas of the Heart

• The Inner Game of Tennis

• Yes, And

• You Are the Placebo

• A Hidden Wholeness

• Sorry I’m Late, I Didn’t Want to Come 

• Big Magic 

• Necessary Endings 

• And MORE

PTSD? Yes, I have it.

Before we proceed—

MASSIVE DISCLIAMER NO. 1

I loooooooooooooooooove books. Books are not the problem.

MASSIVE DISCLAIMER NO. 2

Gurus are not the problem, either. I love learning from people!

And now that we’re clear on that— let’s proceed.

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Ok. So. Book nor Guru’s are the problem, which means:

I AM THE PROBLEM!!!!

It's me, hi

I'm the problem, it's me

I have a co-dependent relationship with gurus.

Instead of admiring someone else’s thoughts and ideas and methodologies and using that as inspiration to guide my own life, I get crazy in my eye and propose a 1-sided-marriage upon first meeting.

Kneels 💍

“I, Megan Lee, do so solemnly swear to love honor and respect your rules for life. For the rest of my days I will try and intact your rules faithfully, swearily, and diligently.”

And then I do.

Until I don’t.

It’s not you, it’s me— really.

The divorce papers are barely signed before I’m onto my next guru.

Christ’s underbelly that is ridiculous, is it not???

If a guru speaks highly of something, and they appear to have their shit together, then I simply must try their method!

• I’ve taken cold showers when they made me miserable.

• I’ve cut out any leisure from my life and been disciplined to the point of despair.

• I’ve forced my way through breathwork sessions that weren’t for me.

• I’ve berated the shit out of myself for not being more “social”.

• I’ve wasted countless hours following someone else’s system all the while ignoring my intuition screaming at me to stop.

• I’ve stuck to diets in the name of health that made me feel anything but.

• I’ve bashed myself for not being able to “let shit go”.

• I’ve demeaned myself for not having the results some people do from meditation.

• I’ve despised myself for not being able to have faith that everything will work out.

• I’ve said yes to so many things I should have said no to.

• And the list goes on and on and on.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ← not me giving my keyboard an orgasm

I am so goddamn irritated with myself. I’m currently in a death match with my ego and it’s nasty. Truly don’t know who’s going to come out on top. Me or it.

All I know is that I’m disgusted with myself for looking outside of myself for answers that can only be found within.

And for wasting so much goddamn time being ashamed of all of the above.

I have got to be able to GROW A PAIR balls you’re up because the breasts have tapped out long ago and FORAGE MY OWN FUCKING PATH.

I want to be in harmony with wisdom not in a co-dependent relationship with gurus.

YES. HOLY FUCKING YES ^THAT’S IT!!!!!!!

The problem isn’t the gurus.

The problem isn’t people sharing what works for them.

The problem isn’t people wanting you to try their method.

The problem is me not listening to my own inner wisdom when it’s speaking to me. 🥹

→ Sometimes? Following someone else’s methods is the best thing for you right now.

→ And other times? Learning from wise people but molding their lessons to fit your life is the best thing you can do.

→ And other times? Listening to only your own intuition and doing what your soul says is the only way to uplevel.

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Whew. I would like to take this moment to acknowledge the fact that there has been a mountain bike race going on this whole time you are amazing for being here with me. Truly. Thank you for reading all the way to this point as I wrestle and wrangle my thoughts into words on the page. 🙏🥹

Now I’m going to attempt to summarize this. I’m not Catholic but I might just cross myself for good measure, Christ.

TL;DR

1. Megan is racing down Mustang Mountain.

2. Megan loves to read and learn from “gurus” with the hope of up-leveling her life.

3. Megan has an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with “gurus” because she’s too goddamn terrified of foraging her own path and feels much safe “following the rules”.

4. Megan is aware of and disgusted with this behavior.

5. Megan knows that the answer is only and always (x infinity) to listen to her own intuition when it’s speaking to her, and follow it no matter how “rule-break-y” or opposite from the guru’s advice it might be.

6. That’s it. That’s the secret to living your best life.

Not going to lie. My ego is revolting inside me right now and is batshit terrified of trading the safety of rules for the unknowns of going rogue.

But. Fuck it.

FUCK IT ALL THE WAY TO THE MOUNTAIN BIKE FINISH LINE.

If I’m going to live that life that I know I want to live, I’m going to have to come face to face with my shame, and what’s holding me back.

So this is me, shamefully acknowledging the fact that I’m terrified every time I break away from the “rules”.

But practice breaking the rules I shall continue to do. Because I want to live my best life, goddamnit.

I know it’s not going to happen overnight. And I know there will be slips and slides backward, but… newsletter fam?

I solemnly swear I’m going to keep practicing every day to be my bravest, most courageous self. On my terms. According to my rules. In line with my soul, forever and always. You may now kiss your future.

🥹🥹🥹🥹

Well on THAT sappy note, I’m going to leave you and attempt to break some rules.

I hope you do, too. 💕

-M

p.s. - Holy hell this one was a beast for me to write. Shameful, but true. I suspect it has something to do with the fact that my ego is enraged I would dare talk about this. Being too afraid to break the rules has been a massive roadblock in my life. And look at me, shining a light on it. 💛

p.p.s. - Have the bestest Friday and weekend!!!!

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Hi, hello! You just read Shame Sandwich where I, Megan, share some shit with you in the only way I know how: blasphemously.

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