I've been on Substack for 6 months, here are my 6 observations since joining...

I might be in the shame blender right now lol

Welcome to Shame Sandwich, where Megan feels equal parts shame and glee in sharing hilarious personal thought rants every Friday. Sometimes on shame, sometimes shame infused, and other times, nothing to do with shame. Enjoy responsibly.

Happy 6th Month Anniversary to me. Blah, Blah.

Moving on*.

I’ve got a Massive Confessional for you:

Sooooooo. Back when I was a total Substack newborn complete with baby acne and still fresh for the tit, I wrote a newsletter called “I’ve been on Substack for 4 Weeks: Here are my 4 Observations” and… it is my most liked post to date. 🥳

Which may or may not have gotten to my head.

JK IT’S TOTALLY GOTTEN TO MY HEAD. AND NOW YOU WILL READ ALL THE WAYS IT’S GOTTEN TO MY HEAD. READY? I’M NOT READY. BUT WE’RE BLASTING OFF ANYWAY.

→ Is this how Tay-Tay feels when one of her songs reaches No. 1?!?!?! 💃💃💃

→ Fuck a neon sparkly purple not dildo because that would be weird duck if that is my BEST post what is my WORST post?!?!?!?!?! Holy hairy legs… you mean to tell me that every single post since then hasn’t topped that one?!?!?!?! shaaaaaaaame

→ HOW THE FUCK DID I PEAK AT 4 WEEKS?! IS THAT NOT PREMATURE PEAKING?! I DON’T WANT TO BE A PREMATURE PEAKER!!! WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME?!?!

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😂😂😂😂😂😂

ANYWHO.

I got sidetracked. 😂

All of this to say…

I’m ripping off my “top” newsletter and hoping to recreate the success by doing another one today for my 6 Month Substack Anniversary.

Which PROBABLY means this newsletter will utterly flop like two floppy titties riding a mechanical bull ← wtf 😂 cuz I’m hoping for good things, and then I’ll be in the shame blender for a minute.

Please sweet Senior Jesus, don’t let my peak be cemented prematurely at 4 weeks of Substack age!!!! 🙏

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Christ.

Now that I’ve got my bitch fest out of the way, let’s proceed! 😄

I've been on Substack for 6 months, here are my 6 observations since joining...

OBSERVATION 1:

You will realize the Notes algorithm is like a hormonal bitch who went from a pre-pubescent teen sans tits to a post-menopausal woman looking for her lubey-lube ← ladies pls do not kill me I jest in 3.7 seconds flat. 😂😂😂😂 And then it will fluctuate WILDELY between all of the hormonal ranges and you are left looking for some lubey-lube to moisten your Notes game because WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ALGORITHIM FRICTION ALL ABOUT?!?!!? One second you’re in it, and then the next you’re clawing for lube life.

OBSERVATION 2:

You will find yourself Googling: “IS IT NATURAL FOR SUBSTACK TO HAVE SO MUCH GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING TALENT IN ONE PLACE, AND IS THAT HEALTHY OR IS IT SOMEHOW BAD IDK COULD THAT BE LIKE CLOSELY GENETICALLY RELATED BEAUTIFUL COUSINS FUCKING OR SOMETHING IDK!!!!!” ← gnarly because there is so much goddamn motherfucking talent on this platform. Which also makes you spiral sometimes.

OBSERVATION 3:

You will find yourself thinking PEOPLE ARE RIDICULOUSLY NICE HERE!!!!! If Substack was a nation you are sure it would be Canada. Hands down. How could it not be? The comments section are a beautiful thing to behold.

OBSERVATION 4:

You will realize that turning on Substack paid subscriptions is BASICALLY THE LITERARY EQUIVALENT TO RUNNING AN ONLY FANS ACCOUNT and you will feel kiiiiinda sexy about that. FUCK YEAH, TAKE THAT BIG BOOBY HUMANS, ME AND MY TINY TITTIES ARE GONNA MAKE IT RAIN WITH MY WORDS. 🤑 But slowly. More like a mist. A lite, mist. Can barely feel it.

OBSERVATION 5:

You will realize that you can only have ONE top post and everything else you write that doesn’t top that TOP post might be utter horse-shit-fly-buzzing-health-hazard garbage??!?!?!?!?! It’s actually quite a mind-fuck and you’re still kiiiiiinda playing the avoidance game thinking about it but you’re telling yourself it’s FINE it’s NOT about the NUMBERS it’s about the WRITING. Tee hee hee.

OBSERVATION 6:

You will realize that yeah sex is fine but have you ever poured your heart out in words and shared it with strangers and received amazing aftercare love back?!?!?! Christ. 🥹 I’m not sure if there’s Narcan for writers but maybe there should be cuz that shit is a high like no other!!!!! 🖤

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OH MY TINY TITS THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN TO WRITE. 😂😂😂

To be Frank ← wouldn’t it be funny if we had To be Obediah, too??? hahah I really would love for this post to resonate and make a ton of people like/comment/share smile. 😄

Yes, of course the external validation feels nice, I’m not a Religious Nun ok.

But to bring people joy + ponderings with my writing??? That is pretty cool, too. Even if this one doesn’t top my 4 week post. 😂

*Now, just to close this loop:

I’VE OFFICIALLY BEEN ON SUBSTACK FOR 6 MONTHS, YO!!!!

💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃

I kinda can’t believe I never used to be on Substack, and I also can’t believe I’m a writer on Substack!!!!! Mind = Thunderstuck.

Literal proof they let anyone on this platform. 😬😂

Thank you, thank you, thank you for laughing with me, pondering with me, being here with me. Shame Sandwich would NOT be the same without you, and I appreciate you so very much. 🖤✨

Have the BESTEST Friday and Weekend!!!

-M

p.s. - Where you are on your Substack journey??? Got any anniversaries of your own coming up?? 🤗

p.p.s - Holy hard nips it’s December already?!?!?!?! Insane. I have done precisely zero Christmas shopping. Eeeeeek.

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Hi, hello! You just read Shame Sandwich where I, Megan, share some shit with you in the only way I know how: blasphemously. Thank you so much for being here. 🖤

Pssst, do you run a business? Do you want to make your marketing better than your enemies hilariously unforgettable? Hire me.