Ok, here's my advice (you didn't ask for it, I know, I know): instead of looping "Don't be a watered-down version of myself" on repeat inside your head, or writing on the back of your hand, which would just give you away, how about instead of ordering water on the date, you get a really specific non-watered down cocktail (or mocktail, whatever you're into) with a splash of everything you like in it, and every time you take a sip, you remember that this delicious drink IS YOU, and it's absolutely perfect just the way it is.
Kendall!! This is such a sweet, lovely idea!!! I looove having a physical reminder that takes the emphasis off "don't" and puts it on "do/be"! Thank you so much for sharing this! 🥹💕
Just be sure you get a drink in a bottle that you can open—a younger friend of mine got assaulted by an online date who was in cahoots with the bartender….
I think it's important to keep the casual and light conversation going in your head. You're making a new friend, not a marriage contract. Do be yourself and maybe give a spoiler alert that you are a spicy sandwich. It will either be the thing that make them curious, or makes them run. Good luck.
Yasss! 💕 The stakes are light, zero pressure! 🙏 And hahah agreed, I definitely don't want him thinking I'm a plane slice of bread when I'm an entire spicy (shame) sandwich!! 🤣
Allow me to be the first to reassure you that you will not be hung from the workplace gallows. You will be *hanged* from the workplace gallows. Hope this helps.
What a LUCKY lucky guy 🤍 Be your amazing self and HAVE FUN, you so deserve it...and FYI I can SO relate to trying to figure out how much of your past is appropriate to share with someone on a first date 😂🫠 Have the best time....and then come write all about it for strangers on the internet!
Thank you so much!!! 💃😍 Girl.... YES. Oh my goodness, that must be helllllla hard for you to navigate! 🥺 A nice 'causal' first date gets a whole lot higher stakes when your past is.... anything but 'normal'. 😅😅 Anywho THANK YOU and I can't wait to write about it to strangers on the internet!!! 💕
"Being ‘open’ doesn’t mean telling the most intimate parts of your story right away, it simply means showing up with your whole ass personality and not watering yourself down to be ‘more likable’....I’m terrified I’m going to water myself down tomorrow night. I almost always do, in one way or another. And that thought crushes my soul."
My wish for you, and I, and everyone else who has ever watered themselves down is that we may may all find our own vibrant resonance... we are perfectly whole and complete just as we are, regardless of the errant f-bombs and freak outs and "mistakes" that were never mistakes.
I absolutely relate to growing up in purity culture AND the people-pleasing shape shifter energy! (Are those two points related? Maybe?) I fear being too weird AND I fear watering myself down.
All that to say.... Solidarity sister!! You've got this. Just. Have. FUN!
And (because I just watched Anna Kendrick's "Woman of the hour" movie) PLEASE DONT DIE ohmygosh men are so dangerous 😭
I think they are deff related!! Soooo many layers to unpack growing up in that culture. 😥 It's so interesting the juxtaposition... fear of too much, fear of not being true to all of one self... well, here's to practicing being all of ourselves, always!!! 💛💛💛
Thank you so much!! 💕 I really hope tonight is a lot of fun!! And.... oof I haven't watched 😬😭 And, I will absolutely be hyper vigilant and listen to my instincts!
Ohmygosh I’m 71 and feel exactly like that on a first date! (Oh—that wasn’t the most reassuring comment…) I went on one a few days ago, casual lunch date, and I now know more about the government than I care to know. I guess I didn’t really have the chance to water myself down (which I deeply, deeply understand and identify with) because, well, I didn’t get much chance to talk tbh.
Your newsletter name is so good I wish I’d thought of it first!!
Thank you so much Julie!! I want to reach out and squeeze you! And your reflection on the scenario makes me chuckle 😂🙏 People being conversation hogs are the worst!!! 😑 I hope you have a better first date again with someone who gets to experience the real, unwatered down you, and actually listens to your stories! 💕
And the whole time I’m going “did I just eat off part of my lipstick with my sandwich and did I wear too bright of lipstick but wait he’s older and probably doesn’t know I really should be wearing a neutral but I like my face better in bright lipstick because then people will look there instead of at this ridiculous zit I’ve tried to cover up on my 71 year old chin…” So yeh, I am familiar with the constant brain activity… lol
Take a deep breath, follow your gut instinct, if it starts screaming at you make your excuses and leave. Otherwise have fun and I’m looking forward to the debrief 😁
Like I keep saying, BE YOURSELF. Cuz if there’s going yo be a second date or a third, sooner or later he’s going to see the REAL you anyway unless you’re an academy-award-winning-level actress. And who wants that anyway? But I do have a few tips:
1) Don’t go into it with ANY pre-conceptions. It’s a FIRST date. White picket fences and all that shit comes MUCH later.
2) Accept him for what and where in life he actually IS, not anything else.
3) Don’t be the first one to say “fuck”, “shit”, etc. I personally don’t care about that, and think it shows someone’s comfortable with me, but some guys may not like it.
4) No politics or religion. It’s a FIRST date.
5) ENJOY yourself. There’s no pressure. You’re just hanging out with, hopefully, a friend.
Thank you!! Definitely going to show up with my whole self and letting that be perfectly enough! 💛 And, alas, as for swearing, if he can't take that, we'd never work. 🤣 Not that I come dropping f bombs every other sentence, but in the right time and place, I'm not going to filter myself. 🙏
Be honest, tell him you fo have some tendencies to people please instead of being yourself. See what his reaction is to that.
"I like myself, but it takes a while for me to open up that self to others, because I've been burned in the past." And see where that takes the conversation. He may be as nervous as you. Remember that.
Di this is such beautiful advice, thank you so very much for sharing!!! I love it, and is such a great way to be authentic and honest and true. Hugs!!! 💛💕
3 hours 17 seems very specific. Is there any leeway (literally no pun intended, nor in fact is there actually one 🙂) for less time if the date is bad or more if good? You need some flex. I'm assuming the time frame is like...backed by science stuff as the optimal date time 😄 And yep good luck 👍
Thanks for making me chuckle!! 😂 I never thought I'd get a comment on the time and I love it hahah You know, how you make me want to get all nerdy and google this... IS there an optimal time for first dates??! IS there an average time for dates and does that equate to their outcomes?! See, this is all so curious now!!! And, YES to having an escape plan. Always lol. And thank you!! 🙌
oh Megan you can't imagine how happy makes me to read this, your words shine more brilliant than ever (if this is even possible)!!! I'll pray and pray and pray since you said "pray for me" but you know....you are so awesome you don't need anything....enjoy this date...be you...wonderful as always you are!!
Hahaha I LOVE this! I had a kind-of-date last week, it was the first after a whole year of not-dating, and there was a beautiful kiss and I destroyed the very romantic moment by talking into it and babbling on “I didn’t plan this, you know, I just don’t want you to think that…” up until the point where he just pulled me closer into his arms and shushed me 😂🤣 it was very sweet though not condescending or anything. We’ll see what happens… but so much for being out of practice and wanting romance haha!! I’ll keep my fingers crossed for your date, hope you know that we’ll all be expecting a near-live-report on it! ♥️🔥
Ahhh SMILING SO BIG reading this!!!! That sounds so so so sweet!!! 🥹 And, we're twinning re-entering the dating scene after a year! 👯♀️ Unfortunately, mine didn't end so sweetly. Dude was very focused on getting what he wanted, me physically and that's it. PASS. Oh well, just means the space is open for someone else! 🤣
OK, so there have been A BUNCH of comments, etc. And all of us want to know…. HOW DID IT FUCKING GO????? We need *details*.
I had 1:15 In the “how long will the date last?” pool, and 14 minutes in the “how long before she first cussed?” one. Did I win?
(Actually, I’m guessing it went pretty well. I sense apprehension, that you don’t want him to know about your Substack life yet, which is likely a positive, so congrats.)
Hahah It makes me SO happy to see the people's invested 🙏😂🥹 The date started out with much potential, a very attractive man, a fun barcade situation, but..... as the evening went on it was clear he cared WAY more about getting me alone than he did about getting to know me. 😏 So. That's a pass from me. Although I know I got some nice swears in there along the way so that's always good. And, I told him I loved to write and had a newsletter but he does NOT know what it's called, PHEW!!!!
So sorry, but that’s still how a lot of guys think - “Fuck first, ask questions and get to know each other later”. Maybe his looks have allowed him to get away with that attitude in the past. Guess it’s still somewhat true:
“Men trade love for sex, and women trade sex for love.”
Yes, I think his pretty boy self was used to getting away with a lot! And yeah, I think communication and respect and alignment is a solid place for both sides to come together with.
Ok, here's my advice (you didn't ask for it, I know, I know): instead of looping "Don't be a watered-down version of myself" on repeat inside your head, or writing on the back of your hand, which would just give you away, how about instead of ordering water on the date, you get a really specific non-watered down cocktail (or mocktail, whatever you're into) with a splash of everything you like in it, and every time you take a sip, you remember that this delicious drink IS YOU, and it's absolutely perfect just the way it is.
Kendall!! This is such a sweet, lovely idea!!! I looove having a physical reminder that takes the emphasis off "don't" and puts it on "do/be"! Thank you so much for sharing this! 🥹💕
Just be sure you get a drink in a bottle that you can open—a younger friend of mine got assaulted by an online date who was in cahoots with the bartender….
Love this!
I think it's important to keep the casual and light conversation going in your head. You're making a new friend, not a marriage contract. Do be yourself and maybe give a spoiler alert that you are a spicy sandwich. It will either be the thing that make them curious, or makes them run. Good luck.
Yasss! 💕 The stakes are light, zero pressure! 🙏 And hahah agreed, I definitely don't want him thinking I'm a plane slice of bread when I'm an entire spicy (shame) sandwich!! 🤣
Allow me to be the first to reassure you that you will not be hung from the workplace gallows. You will be *hanged* from the workplace gallows. Hope this helps.
Fine, this earns a passive aggressive thumbs up from me 👍😂
What a LUCKY lucky guy 🤍 Be your amazing self and HAVE FUN, you so deserve it...and FYI I can SO relate to trying to figure out how much of your past is appropriate to share with someone on a first date 😂🫠 Have the best time....and then come write all about it for strangers on the internet!
Thank you so much!!! 💃😍 Girl.... YES. Oh my goodness, that must be helllllla hard for you to navigate! 🥺 A nice 'causal' first date gets a whole lot higher stakes when your past is.... anything but 'normal'. 😅😅 Anywho THANK YOU and I can't wait to write about it to strangers on the internet!!! 💕
I love this!
"Being ‘open’ doesn’t mean telling the most intimate parts of your story right away, it simply means showing up with your whole ass personality and not watering yourself down to be ‘more likable’....I’m terrified I’m going to water myself down tomorrow night. I almost always do, in one way or another. And that thought crushes my soul."
My wish for you, and I, and everyone else who has ever watered themselves down is that we may may all find our own vibrant resonance... we are perfectly whole and complete just as we are, regardless of the errant f-bombs and freak outs and "mistakes" that were never mistakes.
PLEASE PLEASE keep writing.
and have fun on your date!
Absolutely love your wish for all of human kind 🥹🥹🥹 YES, YES, YES! Perfectly whole. 💕
That you so much! I will keep writing. 💛
I absolutely relate to growing up in purity culture AND the people-pleasing shape shifter energy! (Are those two points related? Maybe?) I fear being too weird AND I fear watering myself down.
All that to say.... Solidarity sister!! You've got this. Just. Have. FUN!
And (because I just watched Anna Kendrick's "Woman of the hour" movie) PLEASE DONT DIE ohmygosh men are so dangerous 😭
I think they are deff related!! Soooo many layers to unpack growing up in that culture. 😥 It's so interesting the juxtaposition... fear of too much, fear of not being true to all of one self... well, here's to practicing being all of ourselves, always!!! 💛💛💛
Thank you so much!! 💕 I really hope tonight is a lot of fun!! And.... oof I haven't watched 😬😭 And, I will absolutely be hyper vigilant and listen to my instincts!
Oh same! Purity culture has been around tooooo long, and churches have taught women to take a back seat to men toooo long…
Ohmygosh I’m 71 and feel exactly like that on a first date! (Oh—that wasn’t the most reassuring comment…) I went on one a few days ago, casual lunch date, and I now know more about the government than I care to know. I guess I didn’t really have the chance to water myself down (which I deeply, deeply understand and identify with) because, well, I didn’t get much chance to talk tbh.
Your newsletter name is so good I wish I’d thought of it first!!
Have fun and just be you ❤️
Thank you so much Julie!! I want to reach out and squeeze you! And your reflection on the scenario makes me chuckle 😂🙏 People being conversation hogs are the worst!!! 😑 I hope you have a better first date again with someone who gets to experience the real, unwatered down you, and actually listens to your stories! 💕
I need that squeeze!
And the whole time I’m going “did I just eat off part of my lipstick with my sandwich and did I wear too bright of lipstick but wait he’s older and probably doesn’t know I really should be wearing a neutral but I like my face better in bright lipstick because then people will look there instead of at this ridiculous zit I’ve tried to cover up on my 71 year old chin…” So yeh, I am familiar with the constant brain activity… lol
big hugs!!!
LORD… I love you 😂😂😂 I RELATE TO THIS KIND OF INNER DIALOGUE ON A SPIRITUAL LEVEL 😅😂
I FEEL THAT!!! 🤣
Take a deep breath, follow your gut instinct, if it starts screaming at you make your excuses and leave. Otherwise have fun and I’m looking forward to the debrief 😁
YES - excellent advice!! 🙏 And, thank you so much!! 💛💛
I hope the date went well!!!!!!!
Thank you!!! Since your Aussie self is living in the future, I'm going to channel this into tonights date and except it to do just that!!! 🤩🥳
Like I keep saying, BE YOURSELF. Cuz if there’s going yo be a second date or a third, sooner or later he’s going to see the REAL you anyway unless you’re an academy-award-winning-level actress. And who wants that anyway? But I do have a few tips:
1) Don’t go into it with ANY pre-conceptions. It’s a FIRST date. White picket fences and all that shit comes MUCH later.
2) Accept him for what and where in life he actually IS, not anything else.
3) Don’t be the first one to say “fuck”, “shit”, etc. I personally don’t care about that, and think it shows someone’s comfortable with me, but some guys may not like it.
4) No politics or religion. It’s a FIRST date.
5) ENJOY yourself. There’s no pressure. You’re just hanging out with, hopefully, a friend.
Thank you!! Definitely going to show up with my whole self and letting that be perfectly enough! 💛 And, alas, as for swearing, if he can't take that, we'd never work. 🤣 Not that I come dropping f bombs every other sentence, but in the right time and place, I'm not going to filter myself. 🙏
All I’m suggesting is don’t lead straight off with ”I hate this fucking traffic, and fuck this shitty weather!” Let him say it first.
I see a pegging - don’t lie 😂
Your comment wins the award for making me bust out laughing 😂😂😂 Thank you for that 🤣 God, can you imagine that kind of first date?! hahaha
Be honest, tell him you fo have some tendencies to people please instead of being yourself. See what his reaction is to that.
"I like myself, but it takes a while for me to open up that self to others, because I've been burned in the past." And see where that takes the conversation. He may be as nervous as you. Remember that.
Good luck k and let us know how it goes.
Hugs, Di
Di this is such beautiful advice, thank you so very much for sharing!!! I love it, and is such a great way to be authentic and honest and true. Hugs!!! 💛💕
3 hours 17 seems very specific. Is there any leeway (literally no pun intended, nor in fact is there actually one 🙂) for less time if the date is bad or more if good? You need some flex. I'm assuming the time frame is like...backed by science stuff as the optimal date time 😄 And yep good luck 👍
Thanks for making me chuckle!! 😂 I never thought I'd get a comment on the time and I love it hahah You know, how you make me want to get all nerdy and google this... IS there an optimal time for first dates??! IS there an average time for dates and does that equate to their outcomes?! See, this is all so curious now!!! And, YES to having an escape plan. Always lol. And thank you!! 🙌
oh Megan you can't imagine how happy makes me to read this, your words shine more brilliant than ever (if this is even possible)!!! I'll pray and pray and pray since you said "pray for me" but you know....you are so awesome you don't need anything....enjoy this date...be you...wonderful as always you are!!
Heheh thank you so much for this wonderful energy!!! I can't wait to have a great time!!! 🙏
Hahaha I LOVE this! I had a kind-of-date last week, it was the first after a whole year of not-dating, and there was a beautiful kiss and I destroyed the very romantic moment by talking into it and babbling on “I didn’t plan this, you know, I just don’t want you to think that…” up until the point where he just pulled me closer into his arms and shushed me 😂🤣 it was very sweet though not condescending or anything. We’ll see what happens… but so much for being out of practice and wanting romance haha!! I’ll keep my fingers crossed for your date, hope you know that we’ll all be expecting a near-live-report on it! ♥️🔥
Ahhh SMILING SO BIG reading this!!!! That sounds so so so sweet!!! 🥹 And, we're twinning re-entering the dating scene after a year! 👯♀️ Unfortunately, mine didn't end so sweetly. Dude was very focused on getting what he wanted, me physically and that's it. PASS. Oh well, just means the space is open for someone else! 🤣
Ooh thank you 🥰 well I’m sorry it didn’t go well, what an idiot! I’m sure the next one will be better and can’t wait for all the essays about that 😄💗
hehe YES, I’m here to document this journey! 🤣
OK, so there have been A BUNCH of comments, etc. And all of us want to know…. HOW DID IT FUCKING GO????? We need *details*.
I had 1:15 In the “how long will the date last?” pool, and 14 minutes in the “how long before she first cussed?” one. Did I win?
(Actually, I’m guessing it went pretty well. I sense apprehension, that you don’t want him to know about your Substack life yet, which is likely a positive, so congrats.)
Hahah It makes me SO happy to see the people's invested 🙏😂🥹 The date started out with much potential, a very attractive man, a fun barcade situation, but..... as the evening went on it was clear he cared WAY more about getting me alone than he did about getting to know me. 😏 So. That's a pass from me. Although I know I got some nice swears in there along the way so that's always good. And, I told him I loved to write and had a newsletter but he does NOT know what it's called, PHEW!!!!
So sorry, but that’s still how a lot of guys think - “Fuck first, ask questions and get to know each other later”. Maybe his looks have allowed him to get away with that attitude in the past. Guess it’s still somewhat true:
“Men trade love for sex, and women trade sex for love.”
Yes, I think his pretty boy self was used to getting away with a lot! And yeah, I think communication and respect and alignment is a solid place for both sides to come together with.