I'm going on a first date tomorrow!!!

Pray for me. 😬

Welcome to Shame Sandwich, where Megan feels equal parts shame and glee in sharing hilarious personal essays, thoughts, and dear-diary-esque rants every Friday. Sometimes on shame, sometimes shame infused, and other times, nothing to do with shame. Enjoy responsibly.

I’m having a moment.

The moment when you realize you are in charge of your newsletter and can write WHATEVER THE TEA-BAGS YOU WANT.

That should be empowering but it’s actually terrifying.

Which means, we might be in for a ROWDY newsletter today. You think my OTHER newsletters are whiplash? Get out the extra stiff neck brace because honey, you’re I’m gonna need it. 😂

FIRST OFF— Election week. Sending all the people’s love, no matter who you voted for. And that’s all this shame sandwich is gonna say. Moving onnnnnnnnnn ommmmmmmmm. 🧘‍♀️

SECOND OFF— Work has been shitty-shitty this week. I’m suddenly terrified my boss/company is going to read this and I’ll be hung from the workplace gallows so I’m just going to give a passive-aggressive thumbs up and say this week has been passively aggressive toxic “tense”. 👍 WAIT I HAVE ONE MORE THING TO SAY, I CAN’T WAIT TO LEAVE. 😂😂😂

THIRD OFF— Oh my god I’m going on a DATE tomorrow.

Did you hear me?!

A DATE!!!!!! Somebody call nine one one because this feels like an emergency.

But, a good emergency??

CAN THERE BE GOOD EMERGENCIES???? MAYBE??

Like, if a tornado consisting of whirling $100 bills came and destroyed my house but left 27,352 $100 bills in its wake, scattered around where my house used to stand, I would be a $2,735,200-er. Now that’s what I’d call a good emergency. HA— THERE CAN BE GOOD EMERGENCIES!

Oh my tits I’m already acting weird somebody pls help me. 😂 I cannot go on a date like this. 😂 Why is my brain like this. 😂 Actually I like it. But I also don’t. Because, it’s a lot. 😂

ANYWHO. I haven’t gone on a PROPER first date in like…381 days. 

Actually, it’s been EXACTLY 381 days. 😂 Yep, I dug up Mr. Red Flag’s text threads to find out the date of our first date. ← btw it was over less than 2 weeks later I think LOL.

I honestly don’t know what compelled me to re-fire-up the old Hinge app a couple of weeks ago, but here we are. 😬

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And I feel RUSTY. Out of practice. Ancient. Regressed.

How does one behave on a first date???

→ Do you causally let it slip that you have more in common with Jim Carey than Kim Kardashian???

→ Or reveal that you could swear a grandma into the grave and resurrect her again with your language so foul? ← I want to delete but leaving it hahaha

→ Perhaps reveal that you have a newsletter called Shame Sandwich where you bare your nakedest soul????

→ Or lay the ground-rules that if you snore you will be suffocated with a pillow???

→ Maybe slip in that you’re probably never going to be available again for 80 seventy thousand weeks because you’re a fulltime single mom so bang it out while you can that sucks??

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALP. 😂

I’m two and a half spirals away from googling: “FIRST DATE TIPS FOR UNFILTERED JIM CAREY-ESQUE WOMAN WHO HASN’T BEEN ON A PROPER DATE IN 381 DAYS AND ALSO DOESN’T WANT TO COME ON TOO STRONG BUT ALSO WANTS TO HAVE REAL CONVOS AND ALSO WANTS TO HAVE A FUN DATE AND NOT MAKE IT WEIRD OR REVEAL SHE HAS A NEWSLETTER THAT SHE IS LITERALLY WRITING ABOUT SAID DATE”.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

And now I feel like I have to reel this back in and tell you all that I’m NOT an awkward person in real life. But only because I stuff myself into my “nOrMaL” suit. 😂

No, unfortunately for me, I’m very good at morphing myself into the nicest lil people pleasing person who is an utter delight to be around because I’m constantly running advanced mental calculations of what to say and how to act and— ‘oh god if they said this, they mean this and I should respond with this, etc. forever’.

However, in the grand scheme of things, I’ve always found first dates to be some of the easiest social situations to navigate because the person on the other end of the table is basically a complete STRANGER which is incredibly freeing. Lol. And, flirtatious, hilarious Megan is a joy to be around.

And yet… I have never been able to free myself from the terror of being seen for who I truly am. Which is banana bonkers because the whole point of going on dates and getting to know someone is to GET TO KNOW SOMEONE!!!!!

Him: “Ok, give me the ‘Megan story’! 😉”

Me: “🥶😬😳 — WELL I WAS TAUGHT NEVER TO BE SEXUALLY APPEALING TO MEN LEST I MAKE THEM STUMBLE UNTIL I’M MARRIED, THEN I BETTER LET THEM STUMBLE INTO MY BED ON THE REGULAR AND MAKE SOME BABIES POP OUT AND I ALSO HAD TO WEAR DRESSES UNTIL I WAS IN MY TEENS FOR HASHTAG MODESTY AND THEN I GOT MARRIED AT THE RIPE AGE OF 21 TO A REALLY BAD PERSON HASHTAG SHOCKER AND HAD A BABY AT 22, WAS DIVORCED BY 25, OH YEAH AND HAD THYROID CANCER AT AGE 23 WHILE NAVIGATING AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE ONLY TO FIND OUT MY EX HUSBAND HAD SEXUALLY ASSULTED FAMILY MEMBERS FOR YEARS AND— OH GOD, WHAT’S THAT? YOU’RE LEAVING? DON’T GO, THERE’S SO MUCH MORE TO TELL!”

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To be clear: I have never in a million years told anyone I’ve dated, even remotely close to any of the above on a first date, or— at all (I’ve disclosed the high-level cliff notes shit ‘yeahhh, I got married super young, wasn’t a great situation, now I’m a fulltime single mom, have sole custody…,’ blah blah).

To be clear, again: I don’t think you should ever ‘trauma dump’ on someone in a new dating capacity, period. Not until a certain level of trust and vulnerability has naturally and authentically been built. Key word on trust and naturally and authentically.

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ALL THIS TO SAY…

Holy fucking hell I am stepping into the landmines of dating again. TOMORROW. Eeeeeeek!

My mind is working a million miles per minute playing out every scenario possible that could happen between us:

1. We grow old together.

2. I peg him. ← this is strictly a JOKE and for entertainment purposes only 😂

3. He trauma dumps on me.

4. The real-life chemistry is so bad I fake a family emergency and leave.

5. Etc.

😂 Lord I crack myself up hahahaha.

ANYWHO.

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Now that I’ve spewed my thoughts on paper, and processed the whirling crazies a bit (I wuv writing so much 🥹), here’s what’s come to me:

Being ‘open’ doesn’t mean telling the most intimate parts of your story right away, it simply means showing up with your whole ass personality and not watering yourself down to be ‘more likable’.

To be honest, if I want someone to approve of me and/or like me, I’m hella self-conscious about everything. My style. My music taste. My sense of humor. My jokes. My reading list. My car. My home. The list goes on and on.

And I think that’s what’s stressing me out the most.

Will I show up tomorrow night with an “I don’t give a fuck attitude if you like me for me” or will I show up with an “I’m going to shapeshift into whatever watered-down version of myself I need to be so that I can please him attitude”.

GODDAMN THAT STINGS LIKE FRESHLY SQUEEZED LEMONAID IN A 9” KNIFE ATTACK WOUND ← savage.

Yep. Megan has hit on ground zero.

I’m terrified I’m going to water myself down tomorrow night. I almost always do, in one way or another. And that thought crushes my soul.

Newsletter fam, I’m so self-conscious about EVERY thought I think, everything I say when I’m in social interactions. 😭

Even though I don’t actually give a rat’s ass if someone actually likes me or not. That’s what’s so fucked up!!!!!!!

If there’s no chemistry or there’s just no general alignment between him and I. Who fucking cares. Seriously! Good to know. Moving on. 🫡

But will I have spent the previous 3 hours and 17 minutes watering myself down out of default people-pleasing tendencies anyways? Idk. That’s what I’m terrified of.

Whew.

Christ on a crocodile. I just want to be my full un-watered down self tomorrow night. 🥹

If I can do THAT?! That would be fucking amazing. And that is my goal.

Abrupt whiplash warning: and that concludes today’s newsletter!

HAVE THE BESTEST WEEKEND!!!

(((PLS BE THINKING OF ME TOMORROW NIGHT AND SENDING ME ‘JUST BE YOURSELF’ VIBES. 🙏)))

-M

p.s. - I can’t believe I’m talking about this on the internet. I love it. 😂 And am also ashamed by it. And also. I cannot let this newsletter name slip tomorrow night. hahahaha.

p.p.s - For the record, I know this is just a hella casual first date lol. I’m just… processing my thoughts in typical Megan fashion. And letting you in on my processing. 🙈 And hopefully, making you chuckle. 🙏😂

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