I think I think too much.

And it's exhausting.

Welcome to Shame Sandwich, where Megan feels equal parts shame and glee in sharing hilarious personal thought rants every Friday. Sometimes on shame, sometimes shame infused, and other times, nothing to do with shame. Enjoy responsibly.

It’s been a hard week.

Scratch that.

It’s been a shitfuckeryhorriblycuntasticawful hard week.

But if you saw glimpses of me this week?

You wouldn’t have known that.

Well, maybe you would have sensed something was off.

But honestly?

I’m a fucking Jedi master at hiding my emotions.

My ability to compartmentalize is scarily good.

Until it’s not.

I think I think too much.

Constantly.

Swirling.

Never-ending.

I overanalyze everything.

Do you understand what I mean by everything?

Nothing just “happens” in my world without my brain being like:

“WOAH NELLY. THIS THING THAT JUST HAPPENED WARRANTS A FULL EXECUTIVE LEVEL BOARD MEETING IN T-MINUS 60 SECONDS AND I EXPECT A FULLY DECKED OUT POWERPOINT WITH SUPPORTING ARGUMENTS AND OF COURSE THE FORGONE CONCLUSION WILL BE THAT YOU SUCK DIMPLED DONKEY ASS AND ARE DOOMED TO BE EXHAUSTED IN THIS SWIRLING THOUGHT PATTERN FOREVERRRRRRRRR. NOW, PREPARE THOSE MEETING NOTES!!!!!”

Every single second* of me operating in this world is defined by me trying to understand how people perceive me. Terrified that I’ll expose too much of the real me and they’ll think I’m a loser and/or think I’m not worthy of love, period. ← God, that’s hard to read what I just wrote.

*feels accurate but probably a smidge overblown

→ What does their body language say?

→ What did they say?

→ What didn’t they say?

→ What did I say?

→ Did I say too much?

→ Not enough?

😭😭😭😭😭

And I’m fucking exhausted.

And deeply ashamed I’m like this in the first place.

And that’s just one peice of it, add alllllllll the stress on top of my daily life and Humpy Dumpy I’m fucking cracked.

I think and I think and I think and I think and I think and I think until I’m blue in the bloody face brain.

.

.

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Did I mention it’s been a shitfuckeryhorriblycuntasticawful hard week?

Single momming is hard, yo.

Hard, hard, hard.

The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

And trust me, I’m downplaying this times a really big number.

😭

And my ability to compartmentalize is another mind-fuck for me.

Which leads to more thinking and thinking and thinking.

FML.

.

.

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Ok. Plot twist.

Nurturing, higher self Megan has entered the chat.

My therapist has encouraged me to begin to mother my inner child and… that’s what I’m going to do right now.

I’m going to nurture my terribly unregulated and hurting self right now.

Here goes. 🥹

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Megan dearest. You are so precious. So very, very precious. You have the most incredible, amazing and inquisitive mind. Your mind is beautiful. Your ability to make emotional connections and pick up on the tiniest sliver of emotional nuance is brilliant. You see and feel what so many others overlook or miss completely. Your intuitive grasp of how people work and what motivates them is incredible. I know you often hold yourself to arbitrary benchmarks of what makes someone “intelligent” and it’s often tied to shiny degrees and fancy job titles. FUCK THAT, hunni. Fuck that. Intelligence doesn’t come from a degree or a job title, baby girl. It never has and it never will. It can only come from within. And guess what? There is no *one way* to be intelligent. And obviously, you want to be seen as intelligent because if you’re intelligent you’ll be deemed as “worthy”, right?

Oh my sweet, sweet precious baby girl.

You are worthy simply because you are. All souls are worthy. They can never not be worthy. Yes, the choices we make determine our life, but our center most soul? Our truest self? We are worthy. Megan, you are worthy as is.

And yes, you are very, very special in your own way. You are fucking intelligent in your own incredible way. Status or titles or labels don’t mean rabid raccoon shit… you’re “just” as worthy as someone you perceive to be much higher status than you. Do you understand what that means?

Baby girl, you’re worthy right now!!!!!!! Who the fuck cares if someone makes more money or has a fancy college degree or comes from a prestigious family? WHO THE FUCK CARES. They’re zero percent more worthy or better than you are.

The only thing you or they can determine is if they want to accept their incredible worthiness and live in alignment with their truest, bestest version of themselves. Period.

And baby girl? It’s ok to use that big beautiful brain of yours. It’s led you to where you are now. It’s ok to think!!!! Thinking is wonderful! And: so is giving yourself compassion. Sweet girl, it’s all going to be ok. I promise you. Promise, promise, pinky-finger-and-toe promise. I’m so very proud of you for doing what you’re doing right now, letting me talk to you. You are so very wise. And precious. And adorable. And worthy. And lovable. And awesome. And unique. And in time? I know you’ll come to believe that as fact. It’s all going to be ok.

Last thing. Sweet cheeks. You’ve had a shitfuckeryhorriblycuntasticawful hard week. It’s ok to feel all the feels. It’s ok to be fucking pissed off and sad and tired and exhausted and think all the thoughts. It’s ok. Hold yourself. Be tender with yourself. Give yourself some goddamn credit. Celebrate yourself. And love yourself. So, so, so much.

Here’s to beautiful thoughts. ♥️

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Welp… ok.

That was pretty good. 🥹

Here’s to nurturing ourselves.

We’re totally worth it.

🫶

-M

p.s. - one thing I struggle with ← only “one thing”?! 😂 is this notion that when I’m opening up my “ very shitfuckeryhorriblycuntasticawful hard week”… you imagine that I didn’t have any moments of joy or levity or goodness. And that I’m being inauthentic or something. Idk. There were absolutely wonderful pockets of that mixed in this week. And I’m very grateful for my ability to compartmentalize in that regard. So, there’s that. 😂

p.p.s - pretty sure this newsletter felt unhinged. 😅 sorry, it really has been a week. thank you for sticking with me!!!!!! 🫶

p.p.s. - cheers to it being motherfucking Friday!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so happy this fucking bloodbath of a week can’t last forever. 😅 Today feels like a turning point. ♥️

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From the bottom of my tiny tits, thank you for being here. If these words made you feel, it would mean the world if you could tap the lil ‘heart’, leave a comment or share this. 🖤

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