Yo I can’t believe how many times I thought “this sounds like me, talking to me.” So naturally, I love this shit… In its entirety. Respect, darling. Respect.
So grateful to be seen 🙏 continue your amazing work. I think I’m going to stop repressing myself and let some of my thoughts out as well. To hell with the fear of being judged, for no one is as cynical and self deprecating as me 😂😂😂 you’re inspiring!!!
Same same same and concur with MJ & Kelli. Megan 👑. I loved this down to the very last detail of your date (sorry for all the red flags). My sister and I have been STUCK IN THE MUD of life and OVER IT too. Every time we talk each other down, we land on patience (such a bitch!)
I love your 6 m goal, and I love that you will lead with intuition and not fear.
Keep us posted on your status. We are all here for it/you! 🤩
Oh Miss K, I just love you! You are such a bright light!!! 🥹🥰✨ I cannot wait for a beautiful bridge to be built for you and your sister to get OUT OF THE MUD and into the NOT MUD!!! I am eagerly anticipating its arrival for you!
Real. I’m 56 now. Been right where you are. Loathing my imposter self for years. Trying to trust God during the process. Better now, finally. This is meaningless, but … Lots of us really do know how crazy difficult that life is. Lots of non-writers know. (I don’t know how they cope.) But, things can, and surprisingly often do, turn on a dime. It’s not predictable, but it happens. Your writing is awesome! You are a bright spot for many, I assure you!
💛 thank you so much for sharing this!!! I'm so happy you kept pushing through! Imposter syndrome is a psycho hell hole. 😭 And, I'm so happy you mentioned things can turn on a dime. It's so easy for me to get in my head and think "it's impossible for x,y, or z, to change anytime soon" when the reality is... miracles can and do happen all of the time, always unexpectedly. And when I remember THAT, things feel a lot lighter. So, thank you again for sharing that! 🥹
Also thank you for the rec!!! I don't know if I've heard that one yet, I can't wait to look that bit up! 😂😂😂
Eric, you are Not an imposter....you are HERE writing....putting your heart Out there...(Brave for Men)Braving the possible criticism of the reply button...( 8 out of 10 substackers have higher degrees so...) be proud of yourself and pat yourself on the back..you earned this place ..and your kids/grands/nieces, friends etc need that.💙 (Read daily!)
Eric, whomever invented the 50's should be slapped lol this has been the hardest decade of my life and I'm only 51! All I do is inventory and go this is it. So, I have been working on building strong, deeper connections to grant myself more intimacy.
The degree to which you can be happy is the degree to which you can be honest." Damn, that hit me like a shot of espresso. It's so true, yet so terrifying. It's like we're all walking around with a low-grade honesty hangover, and the only cure is a full-on truth-telling binge. Scary, but also incredibly liberating.
Wow… low grade honest hangover, and the only cure is a full-on truth-telling binge. TERRIFYING!!! AND oh so much liberation on the other side!!! 🥹🙏(p.s. now I want espresso martini? 😂)
Kick ass article (which is helping me post-dump election)I wish I could be a paying sub for your work but I can't...please do keep on keeping on if you-could-be-so-kind......we love you!
Thank you so very much Lisa!!! I love that you’re here to very much, and don’t waste a second worry about not being able to be a paying sub! 💕 I shall absolutely keep on writing! 🥹💛
I hate it here too. I completely understand where you are coming from. I'm here for you anytime you need someone. I'm a helper who misses helping. I have never felt like I belong on this earth. I feel like an alien. People treat me like an alien. I hide from everyone. I don't feel safe when I leave my house. I don't drive anymore. I have no desire to do anything. I miss connecting. I'm very lonely. I try to make friends and they just aren't good enough people for me. I must love those in need.
Oh Jen! I am sending you SO MUCH LOVE! You are a radiant being, uniquely yourself, and that is oh so precious. I relate so deeply to feeling like you don't fit in. I have felt that almost my entire life for various reasons. And that IS so lonely. 🥺 I pray that you can continue to find healing and joy, following whatever it is that is right for YOU, and just keep following it. 🥹🙏💕 p.s. your being here and seeing me IS helping me. 🙏💛
Be comforted that there are Hundreds near you, and Thousands around you that are feeling EXACTLY the same way, so actually you might FEEL lonely, but you're Not alone. (I'm on the West Coast🙂) Try a smile .. you WILL find each other! 💖
Thank you, Lisa. I'm in a much better place. I've been lonely for too many years. I used to live on 4 antidepressants and I decided I couldn't be that numb anymore. Now, I cry often but in short bursts just to get the pain out.
Jennnnn, we must unite. You are safe in Megan’s presence. This space is like mattresses world - comfy and will mold to you in ways you didn’t know you needed.
You absolutely DO belong. You do. You do. You do. ✨
I'm gonna apologize in advance (but I'm old enough to be your father, so...) for saying this: if you have enough time to waste dating losers, you have enough time to find a writing group, or improv, or west-coast swing, or anything where you are having fun, with kind people (some of whom will be dudes--yes,they exist). You care about your daughter, you are creative, talented, that makes you attractive. Let the good people find YOU, like you are doing with this substack.
DAMNIT I cannot be mad at this at all! 😂😂 What you speak is very wise. My default story is “well I hardly ever go on dates and if I do, at least I can coordinate with family to watch my daughter, and I can’t join an improv group or a writing group or ANY group because I don’t have the money to pay for a babysitter every week to actually go and DO those things, not to mention the logistics involved”… and yet, my soul leapt at this and whispered “Megan, he’s right. You desperately WANT to do those things… and you will meet wonderful people doing those things… so, trust you will find a way”. And, I’m going to trust I will find a way. 🥹 Thank you, Ryn!
Literally, Megan, I think I love you, because you are so fucking funny and real. Please never stop writing. I would pull quote some of my favorite lines but it's basically this entire post so, there you go.
🥹🥹 I AM BURSTING WITH JOY!!!! ldkgfj sda;ljg as ← bursted! Thank you! I absolutely LOVE making people laugh along with sharing all the things. And thank you for the comedian rec, I don’t think I’ve heard of her so I can’t wait to check her out!!!
I am so glad you have found writing as a way to give the parts of you that matter a voice. Though that, a voice for all of us who have stayed small and silent. I see so many parallels in my own life of your unvanished discoveries of what is going on for you and how you have believed you needed to be to survive. Your words are an expression of the depth of feeling that the hidden parts of you hold. They now have a voice. I feel like I'm connecting you at such a deep level that its bringing tears to my eyes to see you being free to express yourself.
First reaction to this... Hoooly shit that's a lot of emotion. Second reaction... This is my favorite goddamn work of ART on this platform. So many relatable emotions are mixed into one article, in which, I envy you. I could never have the guts to post something so heartfelt here. You are now probably one of my favorite writers now.
🥹 damn, thank you so very much for being here and saying this! Yes to ART!!! Yes to being able to express all the emotions, especially if they’re messy. 🥹 Hugs to you!
Hormones make a massive difference. I was ready to punch people in the face for over a week (same shit as you, period was late) while crying about feeling 'abandoned', now my period started I'm so fucking happy it would scare my 12 yo self. But sometimes we need to feel SO FUCKING SHIT to get to work. Well done bella ❤️
How have I JUST found you? OMG! This is the best read I’ve had since I read The Lord of the Rings. As I read I was literally yelling YES! to all your points. I’m hooked. I’ll be a super fan. You gave me hope and laughs and maybe a few tears. I now officially love you and have something to look forward to.
Oh Karen I’m just GRINNING SO HARD RIGHT NOW!!!!!! 😁😁😁 ← me! Thank you so much for being here! 🥹 I love your energy!!! I’m so glad I could give you all the feels! 😂💛🙏
I second this with extreme joy. It's becoming commonplace for me to read things on Substack that articulate my feelings better than I can, but this? THIS?! This is a diamond.
I would say the happiness thing is more about safety and the freedom to be honest. Honesty with yourself comes first, obviously. It does seem like your conversations with yourself can take a dark turn. You're directing a lot of your frustrations inward, which taints the internal environment. The honesty with yourself is great, but the attitude toward yourself isn't so much.
Perhaps take a little time to inspect why you are treating yourself this way in conversations with yourself. It does seem like you've done some of this already, but dig deeper. Find the parasite fueling your malignant thinking about yourself. Where is the judgment? The fear? The shame? The guilt? How are you weaponizing these things against yourself, rather than using them as fuel for transformation? You've got to transform your inner environment first, before you'll be able to generate the changes you want within your external environment.
I went through something very similar around March of this year, though most of my anger was initially directed outward, and have learned a few very important things since.
Not knowing what I wanted made it impossible to commit to anything. I had spent so much time trying to land on a vision or a plan I could be fully confident in, that I hadn't really put much time into acting consistently, over a long period of time, on any one thing.
I realized I hadn't been valuing myself properly for most of my life. That needed to be fixed. I needed to allow myself to become a priority. That meant committing to the process of taking care of myself well and doing well for myself.
Commitment and prioritization require sacrifice. Surely, conflicts of interest will emerge, so it's very important that the thing you tell yourself is a priority is actually a priority. Here's my favorite definition of "priority": the thing you make time for first.
Taking control and ownership of my financial situation became a priority. Having a consistent sleep schedule became a priority. Eating better became a priority. Exercising regularity became a priority. Everything else has more or less fallen by the wayside.
Are there other things would like to be spending my time on? Sure.
Do I sometimes still make the wrong decisions with my time? Absolutely, but it's different than before. I have given myself a clear vision of exactly what matters to be spending my time on, and that vision only gets clearer by the day.
Moreso than that, I can feel it when I am not acting in an aligned way. That tends to be the best test of whether I have set my priorities correctly, in my experience. When I know I am faltering on the promises I've made to myself, I feel it. That is my signal to honor myself better. On the other side of that, when I AM spending my time in the ways I have told myself are important, I have ease and peace. So, now, I get to use my internal state as a barometer to inform myself whether I am spending my time appropriately or not.
This does not need to be accompanied by shame or judgment, only fair acknowledgment and behavioral adjustments. I have already decided what is important to spend my time on, so I know exactly what actions I am neglecting when I start to feel some type of way.
I guess the last big thing (not in the order that I understood it, just in the order I'm telling you), is that I had to allow myself to embrace the work that stands between myself and where I would like to be in my life. I had to accept that it will probably be more difficult and take longer than I originally anticipated, and lean into the uncertainty. I had to find the strength and courage to bet on myself, to go all in on myself, and let the chips fall wherever they may.
Yes, I have a vision. Yes, I will drive myself into the ground before I give up on what I have envisioned for myself. Yes, I understand it may not work out despite my best efforts. But this is all part of the process I am learning to trust. 'Cause, see, I've learned I never really needed to trust the world around me so much, as a process. No, the process I always needed to learn to trust was the process of my own becoming, the process of going all in on myself and finding out what I'm made of, the process of allowing myself to fail disastrously and having the fortitude to pick myself up and keep pushing forward.
I trust myself to keep doing what is in my best interest. I trust myself to stumble along the way, learn, course correct, and evolve. I trust myself to take care of myself well. I trust myself to not give up, to hold myself accountable, and to always find the light at the end of the tunnel. I trust myself with the process of creating my own future and continuing to empower myself along the way.
I don't trust I'll always win. In fact, I know I won't always win. No one always wins. I've been something of a loser most of my life anyway. I'm just learning how to lose well, more gracefully. I think that's allowing me to believe more in the possibility of winning. I can see the win now. I can practically taste it, and I'm hungry af 😂
Wow, thank you for taking the time to share this all with me! I, too, am on a process of becoming the on the outside who I have always been on the inside, and part of that process for me is to… express the honest feels inside, even when they’re ugly. Especially when they’re ugly. 🥺 Because I’ve kept all that shit bottle up for basically my entire life. And sharing it, honestly, is oh so liberating and freeing. It’s as though it starts to melt away. And, I agree it’s a really great question to ask, why/where is the internally directed frustration coming from. Part of it is that I am and will always be sweary af which will always sound like it kicks things up a notch 😂 And part of it is that yes, there is still a lot of room for self love to bloom. Here’s to being exactly who we want to be! 🙏
I am your biggest cheerleader. You can and are and will get yourself out of the job and into something fulfilling. Or, something will shift in you and you’ll find fulfillment in the job. Cuz fulfillment is everywhere, if you peel your eyes open and look. 👀
😱 jaw dropped moment!!!! @Teri Leigh 💜 you’re magical, I’m writing about it in today’s newsletter but sneak peek for you: this week has been INCREDIBLY fulfilling in my job! 😱 And you’re right, fulfillment DOES come in all shapes and sizes, all around us. 🥹 I know in my heart that my dream career lies elsewhere, but I’m oh so grateful for at least this past week. 🥰🥹 I love you too! Thank you so much of your support!!!
Holy shirt, girl, I love your unfiltered self! You make me laugh, nod, laugh some more. Oh do we need to laugh so we don’t cry daily. Keep it up!
Thank god you love the unfiltered me!!! 😅😂🙏 I love this comment!!! Hell YES to daily laughter! 🥰💯🙏
You’re amazing—don’t forget that.
Yo I can’t believe how many times I thought “this sounds like me, talking to me.” So naturally, I love this shit… In its entirety. Respect, darling. Respect.
🥹 Ohhhhh my heart is growing with reading this! From one person with big feels to another... I see you! 🙏
So grateful to be seen 🙏 continue your amazing work. I think I’m going to stop repressing myself and let some of my thoughts out as well. To hell with the fear of being judged, for no one is as cynical and self deprecating as me 😂😂😂 you’re inspiring!!!
😂 omg SO TRUE, we are our worstest critic!!! Cheering you on!!!
I couldn't agree more. Megan, you are a blessing. Thank you.
Kelli! 💛 Thank you!!! 🥹🥰🙏
Same same same and concur with MJ & Kelli. Megan 👑. I loved this down to the very last detail of your date (sorry for all the red flags). My sister and I have been STUCK IN THE MUD of life and OVER IT too. Every time we talk each other down, we land on patience (such a bitch!)
I love your 6 m goal, and I love that you will lead with intuition and not fear.
Keep us posted on your status. We are all here for it/you! 🤩
Oh Miss K, I just love you! You are such a bright light!!! 🥹🥰✨ I cannot wait for a beautiful bridge to be built for you and your sister to get OUT OF THE MUD and into the NOT MUD!!! I am eagerly anticipating its arrival for you!
Your words are the building blocks for our bridge!!
I just love you right back!! 🤍
TGIF lady!
Let’s burn our laptops to the ground. (The corporate laptops that is- not our personal devices that connect us to this platform 😂)
🥰🥰 TGIF!!
Corporate only!! May our personals live for ever!!! 😂
Real. I’m 56 now. Been right where you are. Loathing my imposter self for years. Trying to trust God during the process. Better now, finally. This is meaningless, but … Lots of us really do know how crazy difficult that life is. Lots of non-writers know. (I don’t know how they cope.) But, things can, and surprisingly often do, turn on a dime. It’s not predictable, but it happens. Your writing is awesome! You are a bright spot for many, I assure you!
P.S. Salt and Pepper Diner, John Mulaney.
💛 thank you so much for sharing this!!! I'm so happy you kept pushing through! Imposter syndrome is a psycho hell hole. 😭 And, I'm so happy you mentioned things can turn on a dime. It's so easy for me to get in my head and think "it's impossible for x,y, or z, to change anytime soon" when the reality is... miracles can and do happen all of the time, always unexpectedly. And when I remember THAT, things feel a lot lighter. So, thank you again for sharing that! 🥹
Also thank you for the rec!!! I don't know if I've heard that one yet, I can't wait to look that bit up! 😂😂😂
Eric, you are Not an imposter....you are HERE writing....putting your heart Out there...(Brave for Men)Braving the possible criticism of the reply button...( 8 out of 10 substackers have higher degrees so...) be proud of yourself and pat yourself on the back..you earned this place ..and your kids/grands/nieces, friends etc need that.💙 (Read daily!)
Eric, whomever invented the 50's should be slapped lol this has been the hardest decade of my life and I'm only 51! All I do is inventory and go this is it. So, I have been working on building strong, deeper connections to grant myself more intimacy.
The degree to which you can be happy is the degree to which you can be honest." Damn, that hit me like a shot of espresso. It's so true, yet so terrifying. It's like we're all walking around with a low-grade honesty hangover, and the only cure is a full-on truth-telling binge. Scary, but also incredibly liberating.
Wow… low grade honest hangover, and the only cure is a full-on truth-telling binge. TERRIFYING!!! AND oh so much liberation on the other side!!! 🥹🙏(p.s. now I want espresso martini? 😂)
Kick ass article (which is helping me post-dump election)I wish I could be a paying sub for your work but I can't...please do keep on keeping on if you-could-be-so-kind......we love you!
Thank you so very much Lisa!!! I love that you’re here to very much, and don’t waste a second worry about not being able to be a paying sub! 💕 I shall absolutely keep on writing! 🥹💛
I hate it here too. I completely understand where you are coming from. I'm here for you anytime you need someone. I'm a helper who misses helping. I have never felt like I belong on this earth. I feel like an alien. People treat me like an alien. I hide from everyone. I don't feel safe when I leave my house. I don't drive anymore. I have no desire to do anything. I miss connecting. I'm very lonely. I try to make friends and they just aren't good enough people for me. I must love those in need.
Oh Jen! I am sending you SO MUCH LOVE! You are a radiant being, uniquely yourself, and that is oh so precious. I relate so deeply to feeling like you don't fit in. I have felt that almost my entire life for various reasons. And that IS so lonely. 🥺 I pray that you can continue to find healing and joy, following whatever it is that is right for YOU, and just keep following it. 🥹🙏💕 p.s. your being here and seeing me IS helping me. 🙏💛
Be comforted that there are Hundreds near you, and Thousands around you that are feeling EXACTLY the same way, so actually you might FEEL lonely, but you're Not alone. (I'm on the West Coast🙂) Try a smile .. you WILL find each other! 💖
Thank you, Lisa. I'm in a much better place. I've been lonely for too many years. I used to live on 4 antidepressants and I decided I couldn't be that numb anymore. Now, I cry often but in short bursts just to get the pain out.
Jennnnn, we must unite. You are safe in Megan’s presence. This space is like mattresses world - comfy and will mold to you in ways you didn’t know you needed.
You absolutely DO belong. You do. You do. You do. ✨
Much love and thank you!!! I appreciate you and look forward to knowing you 😊
I'm gonna apologize in advance (but I'm old enough to be your father, so...) for saying this: if you have enough time to waste dating losers, you have enough time to find a writing group, or improv, or west-coast swing, or anything where you are having fun, with kind people (some of whom will be dudes--yes,they exist). You care about your daughter, you are creative, talented, that makes you attractive. Let the good people find YOU, like you are doing with this substack.
Keep the faith,
Ryn (and call your mother)
DAMNIT I cannot be mad at this at all! 😂😂 What you speak is very wise. My default story is “well I hardly ever go on dates and if I do, at least I can coordinate with family to watch my daughter, and I can’t join an improv group or a writing group or ANY group because I don’t have the money to pay for a babysitter every week to actually go and DO those things, not to mention the logistics involved”… and yet, my soul leapt at this and whispered “Megan, he’s right. You desperately WANT to do those things… and you will meet wonderful people doing those things… so, trust you will find a way”. And, I’m going to trust I will find a way. 🥹 Thank you, Ryn!
Thatta girl. We readers trust you also. I expect to read accounts soon, where you've let people in. 🙂
Literally, Megan, I think I love you, because you are so fucking funny and real. Please never stop writing. I would pull quote some of my favorite lines but it's basically this entire post so, there you go.
As far as comedians... Jordan Jensen is amazing.
🥹🥹 I AM BURSTING WITH JOY!!!! ldkgfj sda;ljg as ← bursted! Thank you! I absolutely LOVE making people laugh along with sharing all the things. And thank you for the comedian rec, I don’t think I’ve heard of her so I can’t wait to check her out!!!
I am so glad you have found writing as a way to give the parts of you that matter a voice. Though that, a voice for all of us who have stayed small and silent. I see so many parallels in my own life of your unvanished discoveries of what is going on for you and how you have believed you needed to be to survive. Your words are an expression of the depth of feeling that the hidden parts of you hold. They now have a voice. I feel like I'm connecting you at such a deep level that its bringing tears to my eyes to see you being free to express yourself.
🥹 Thank you so much, Steve! 🙏 It truly is so healing to start to give the parts a voice that have been stuffed down so long. 💛
First reaction to this... Hoooly shit that's a lot of emotion. Second reaction... This is my favorite goddamn work of ART on this platform. So many relatable emotions are mixed into one article, in which, I envy you. I could never have the guts to post something so heartfelt here. You are now probably one of my favorite writers now.
🥹 damn, thank you so very much for being here and saying this! Yes to ART!!! Yes to being able to express all the emotions, especially if they’re messy. 🥹 Hugs to you!
Sending hugs right back!
Hormones make a massive difference. I was ready to punch people in the face for over a week (same shit as you, period was late) while crying about feeling 'abandoned', now my period started I'm so fucking happy it would scare my 12 yo self. But sometimes we need to feel SO FUCKING SHIT to get to work. Well done bella ❤️
😂 I just love that journey of hormonal transformation!!! 🤣 Thank you so much, bella!!! Feeling the fucking shit has done massive wonders for me! 🥹🙏
How have I JUST found you? OMG! This is the best read I’ve had since I read The Lord of the Rings. As I read I was literally yelling YES! to all your points. I’m hooked. I’ll be a super fan. You gave me hope and laughs and maybe a few tears. I now officially love you and have something to look forward to.
Oh Karen I’m just GRINNING SO HARD RIGHT NOW!!!!!! 😁😁😁 ← me! Thank you so much for being here! 🥹 I love your energy!!! I’m so glad I could give you all the feels! 😂💛🙏
I second this with extreme joy. It's becoming commonplace for me to read things on Substack that articulate my feelings better than I can, but this? THIS?! This is a diamond.
🙏💛
You made my day! 🥰
15 Irish Insults You Should Know:
When the Irish say….. They Mean
Ya Dope You’re an idiot
Ya Ape You’re an idiot
Your an eejit Your an idiot
feckin’ eejit Emphasis on idiot
Your a Spanner Comparing you to a blunt object
Ya Muppet You are foolish
Gobshite Variation of Eejit. See Eejit
Plank As thick as a piece of wood(thick head)
Langer Not used as much anymore, Cork term for a foolish person.
Geebag An unpleasant or foolish person
It’s shīte Emphasis on the “H”. Meaning it is Shit
Stop acting the maggot Stop trying to cause trouble for no reason
Your some Lickarse Often heard in school meaning trying to be a teacher’s pet
He’s a bollix He is an unpleasant person that’s hard to get along with, often male
Your some fecker Gets away with everything
The word Fuck is overused and has become trite in MHO. (grin) Cheers
I don’t know what I did to deserve this but I adore this list!!! 😂🙏
“The degree to which you can be happy is the degree to which you can be honest.” - you got it. Release it all.
🥹 Thank you Beth!!! I am so here for that kind of energy encouragement! 🙏💛💛
I would say the happiness thing is more about safety and the freedom to be honest. Honesty with yourself comes first, obviously. It does seem like your conversations with yourself can take a dark turn. You're directing a lot of your frustrations inward, which taints the internal environment. The honesty with yourself is great, but the attitude toward yourself isn't so much.
Perhaps take a little time to inspect why you are treating yourself this way in conversations with yourself. It does seem like you've done some of this already, but dig deeper. Find the parasite fueling your malignant thinking about yourself. Where is the judgment? The fear? The shame? The guilt? How are you weaponizing these things against yourself, rather than using them as fuel for transformation? You've got to transform your inner environment first, before you'll be able to generate the changes you want within your external environment.
I went through something very similar around March of this year, though most of my anger was initially directed outward, and have learned a few very important things since.
Not knowing what I wanted made it impossible to commit to anything. I had spent so much time trying to land on a vision or a plan I could be fully confident in, that I hadn't really put much time into acting consistently, over a long period of time, on any one thing.
I realized I hadn't been valuing myself properly for most of my life. That needed to be fixed. I needed to allow myself to become a priority. That meant committing to the process of taking care of myself well and doing well for myself.
Commitment and prioritization require sacrifice. Surely, conflicts of interest will emerge, so it's very important that the thing you tell yourself is a priority is actually a priority. Here's my favorite definition of "priority": the thing you make time for first.
Taking control and ownership of my financial situation became a priority. Having a consistent sleep schedule became a priority. Eating better became a priority. Exercising regularity became a priority. Everything else has more or less fallen by the wayside.
Are there other things would like to be spending my time on? Sure.
Do I sometimes still make the wrong decisions with my time? Absolutely, but it's different than before. I have given myself a clear vision of exactly what matters to be spending my time on, and that vision only gets clearer by the day.
Moreso than that, I can feel it when I am not acting in an aligned way. That tends to be the best test of whether I have set my priorities correctly, in my experience. When I know I am faltering on the promises I've made to myself, I feel it. That is my signal to honor myself better. On the other side of that, when I AM spending my time in the ways I have told myself are important, I have ease and peace. So, now, I get to use my internal state as a barometer to inform myself whether I am spending my time appropriately or not.
This does not need to be accompanied by shame or judgment, only fair acknowledgment and behavioral adjustments. I have already decided what is important to spend my time on, so I know exactly what actions I am neglecting when I start to feel some type of way.
I guess the last big thing (not in the order that I understood it, just in the order I'm telling you), is that I had to allow myself to embrace the work that stands between myself and where I would like to be in my life. I had to accept that it will probably be more difficult and take longer than I originally anticipated, and lean into the uncertainty. I had to find the strength and courage to bet on myself, to go all in on myself, and let the chips fall wherever they may.
Yes, I have a vision. Yes, I will drive myself into the ground before I give up on what I have envisioned for myself. Yes, I understand it may not work out despite my best efforts. But this is all part of the process I am learning to trust. 'Cause, see, I've learned I never really needed to trust the world around me so much, as a process. No, the process I always needed to learn to trust was the process of my own becoming, the process of going all in on myself and finding out what I'm made of, the process of allowing myself to fail disastrously and having the fortitude to pick myself up and keep pushing forward.
I trust myself to keep doing what is in my best interest. I trust myself to stumble along the way, learn, course correct, and evolve. I trust myself to take care of myself well. I trust myself to not give up, to hold myself accountable, and to always find the light at the end of the tunnel. I trust myself with the process of creating my own future and continuing to empower myself along the way.
I don't trust I'll always win. In fact, I know I won't always win. No one always wins. I've been something of a loser most of my life anyway. I'm just learning how to lose well, more gracefully. I think that's allowing me to believe more in the possibility of winning. I can see the win now. I can practically taste it, and I'm hungry af 😂
Wow, thank you for taking the time to share this all with me! I, too, am on a process of becoming the on the outside who I have always been on the inside, and part of that process for me is to… express the honest feels inside, even when they’re ugly. Especially when they’re ugly. 🥺 Because I’ve kept all that shit bottle up for basically my entire life. And sharing it, honestly, is oh so liberating and freeing. It’s as though it starts to melt away. And, I agree it’s a really great question to ask, why/where is the internally directed frustration coming from. Part of it is that I am and will always be sweary af which will always sound like it kicks things up a notch 😂 And part of it is that yes, there is still a lot of room for self love to bloom. Here’s to being exactly who we want to be! 🙏
I am your biggest cheerleader. You can and are and will get yourself out of the job and into something fulfilling. Or, something will shift in you and you’ll find fulfillment in the job. Cuz fulfillment is everywhere, if you peel your eyes open and look. 👀
I love you. I’m excited for you!!!
😱 jaw dropped moment!!!! @Teri Leigh 💜 you’re magical, I’m writing about it in today’s newsletter but sneak peek for you: this week has been INCREDIBLY fulfilling in my job! 😱 And you’re right, fulfillment DOES come in all shapes and sizes, all around us. 🥹 I know in my heart that my dream career lies elsewhere, but I’m oh so grateful for at least this past week. 🥰🥹 I love you too! Thank you so much of your support!!!