I almost got myself fired this week.

And no, I don't want to live in a perfect world.

Welcome to Shame Sandwich, where Megan Lee is writing her way back to wholeness, one personal overshare at a time. Sometimes deep, sometimes swearily un-hinged. Please enjoy responsibly. 🖤

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So. I wanted to type this message to my cunt-ass-coworker sooooooo badly this week, in response to his cunt ass behavior of trying to push work to me that he is 1,000% supposed to own but just doesn’t want to because he’s lazy AF.

Behold, the message:

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DO YOU ALSO WANT ME TO WIPE YOUR OWN ASS?

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But I decided I probably shouldn’t.

Because that might get me fired.

So now I’m telling you about it because honestly I am so proud of that line.

IT WOULD HAVE EVISCERATED THAT CUNT HOLE IF I WOULD HAVE SAID IT. Which is not very Christian of me to say but guess what? I’m not fucking Christian! Thank the gods.

In fact, it would have ruined shitting for him forever.

Imagine him post shit, with those words forever burned into his psyche every time he reached for the TP.

Do you also want me to wipe your own ass?

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈

In completely unrelated news, I was/am PMS-ing this last week.

So, I shall attempt to behave myself today and slide into the weekend un-fired. Probably the right move.

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And then these are the times where I spiral into philosophical hell holes with questions like, does the fact that I a) even thought about sending a co-worker the message “do you also want me to wipe your own ass?” and b) take GREAT JOYFUL GLEE in how hilarious I think that would be, make me a horrible, horrendous person?

Behold, me untangling these questions in real time.

Warning: I have no idea what is about to flow forth. Wear protection? Ear condoms? Dental Dam? Idk.

LOOK. HERE’S THE DEAL. I DON’T ACTUALLY WISH EVIL ON THE CUNT HOLE EXCEPT I WOULDN’T MIND IF HE STEPPED IN RABBID KARMA AND I DO HAVE BASIC HUMAN RESPECT TOWARDS HIM BUT HE’S ALSO ACTED LIKE A TOTAL CUNT HOLE TOWARDS ME AND IS LAZY AF AND RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL AND CONDESNEDING TOWARDS ME AND HIS BEHAVIOR EARILER THIS WEEK WAS THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMELS TOE BACK.

So, no. I don’t think that makes me a bad person for feeling like I feel.

And although it would be HILARIOUS AND SATISFYING AF to send that message, I know that in the long run, probably best to just let off some venting steam in my newsletter and save that message for when I actually quit. 😂😂😂😂

But then the devil on my shoulder whispers shouts ‘BUT WHAT IS ACTUALLY WRONG WITH SENDING THAT MESSAGE???? It’s simply a very articulate summarization of how you feel.’

I mean, technically true.

😂😂😂😂😂

And honestly, I do think he needs a fucking reality check on his actions.

But we all know if I sent that message, I would be the one in boiling water.

Because to be fair, if a man (and yes also a woman) would send me something similar, how would I feel?

Probably pretty upset.

BUT THEN AGAIN, SO WHAT?

Sometimes the stirring of the pot is what jolts us into the jet stream of joy!

I know the times in my life when I’ve gotten a pretty harsh pot stirring (sometimes deserved, other times not feeling deserved!) have been the very things that jolted me into a better place.

And sometimes I’m just so sick and tired of everyone pretending they want to save the world and make it a better, perfect place.

‘What, you don’t want to live in a world where everyone is nice and bad co-workers don’t exist and there’s never any conflict?!?!’

IDK, MAYBE I DON’T WANT TO LIVE IN A PERFECT PLACE WHERE THERE’S NO CUNT-HOLE CO-WORKERS. MAYBE I DO WANT TO CONTEMPLATE SENDING FIREABLE OFFENSE MESSAGES TO CO-WORKERS. MAYBE I SOMETIMES GET PLEASURE OUT OF BEING PISSED OFF.

ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I just cannot contemplate a world where everything is at peace all of the time.

Can YOU?

Is something wrong with me? sobs

Don’t get me wrong it feels good to fight for better, purpose is the peanut butter to life’s jelly but I just am worried what happens when better permanently arrives.

It’s like the dog who catches its tail. WHAT THEN???

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Damn. I think I accidently excidental dreaded all over my own newsletter.

I warned you I did not know what this newsletter was about to turn into. 😂

But I’m not mad about it. These ^thoughts?

They’re my thoughts. And they’re precious, curious, wonderful, loveable, sensational, awesome, solid thoughts.

And I’m proud of them. Because I might not want to know what it tastes like to permanently catch my own tail in life, but I DO want to know what it feels like to live a life free from shame.

And I could feel myself shedding more of it today, simply by telling the truth.

And don’t get it titty twisted: I LOVE THE METALIC TASTE OF FIGHTING FOR A BETTER LIFE WHERE YOU PUT CUNT HOLES/AND YOUR TRAUMA IN THEIR PROPER PLACE BUT I ALSO DO NOT WANT THAT TO BE ‘IT’.

Because again, what then?

I don’t have all of the answers right now, but I do know life is magical, and I want to ride its bumpy, twisty, crazy, beautiful ride for a very long time.

Even, and especially, that means I almost get fired along the way.

-M

p.s. — Have the bestest long weekend & HMD!!!!

p.p.s — I knowwww this topic is a spicey one. ❤️‍🔥😂 And trust me, parts of what I wrote completely clash with plenty of other philosophical thoughts I have. This is simply one human, vulnerably showing her human thoughts. 🥹

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From the bottom of my tiny tits, thank you for being here. If these words made you feel, it would mean the world if you could tap the lil ‘heart’, leave a comment or share this. 🖤