Geriatric Olympic Dreams, Sweating, & Financial Fears 👵🏻🥵🫣

The Lite Shame Sandwich :: No. 005

Welcome to the Lite Shame Sandwich, where Megan feels equal parts shame and glee in sharing a weekly newsletter on Tuesdays that serves no purpose except to brighten your day by brightening Megan’s ego. ← for shame.

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Hi, hello. Currently sweating my tits off. And my back off. And my bum cheeks off. And my crotch off. And my legs off. 

I’M 2 DEGREES AWAY FROM BEING A LIQUID GATORADE. ← wow that’s disgusting. 

For context, my daughter started up gymnastics again tonight (we took most of the summer off, not least of which for my wallet to recover from such recreational activities. Good god. And she’s quite good at gymnastics, and I HAVE ALLLLLL THE MOM GUILT SHAME OVER THE FACT THAT SHE ONLY GOES 1 TIME PER WEEK INSTEAD OF 17 TIMES PER WEEK LIKE A PROPER PARENT COULD AFFORD, CHRIST).

Anywho. Where was I? Ah yes. Sweating it out at the sauna gymnastics gym. No AC. Hot AF. 

I’m actually worried my laptop is going to be harmed by the sweat threatening to overflow from my legs and soak into the laptop. WHAT IS HAPPENING.  

ALSO in the context you neither need nor will enhance your life: normally I write all of my newsletters within the Substack editor because it’s sexy as hell great. But tonight, as I sweat my guts out, WITHOUT WIFI I MIGHT ADD, I am using a GOOGLE DOC to write this because google docs have the ‘write offline’ feature ((Substack get on that shit pls and thank you)).

Sorry to take it back to the sweating dilemma again, but – 

Y’ALL I AM REALLY REGRETTING WEARING THIS WHITE TANK TOP RIGHT NOW. IF I HAVE YELLOW SWEAT STAINS DOWN THIS *NEW MIGHT I ADD* TANK I WILL SEND THE GYM THE BILL BECAUSE I’M PETTY POOR LIKE THAT. 

I am really having a hard time with this heat. 😂 🥵 (← never used this emoji in actual temperature context before hahahahah)

ANYWHO. With that being said, let’s get into the Lite Shame Sammie, shall we?!

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What I’m loving:

Don’t @ me for the repeat from last week but y’all. I’M REALLY LOVING THE OLYMPICS.🏅And not so subtly plotting my entry into the year circa TBD? Olympics.

Now. I am WELL aware I am more like a geriatric giraffe as opposed to a spring chicken in Olympic years. However, I feel like I could possibly squeak in on some of the less physically taxing events.

*ahem*

Possible entries include:

Equestrian. My crotch has not grazed a horse's back in many moons but MY LORD do I want it to. I adore horses. They are simply magnificent. And now all I need is a miracle and $2.77 million dollars so I can quit my job and take up full-time Equestrian-ing. No biggie.

Table Tennis. Now I KNOW those peeps are utter PROS and I would have some massive training to do but I DID have a wicked winning streak playing against my brothers back in the day, I’m just saying. I sense I could do great things. 

Very big stretch (for a geriatric Olympian) entries include:

Biking. I would rather punch babies than run long-distance races HOWEVER biking just hits differently, you know? It doesn’t feel like my lungs are being turned inside out or my legs are getting run over by a two-ton-ed elephant like running does. Once again I reminisce about my youth and have many fond memories of racing my brothers on bicycles. To be clear I have not rode a bike in YEARS.

Swimming. JK. I would be the first person to drown and pee in the pool at the same time. Not a great look. HOWEVER, IF IT WOULD GET ME CLOSER TO THOSE FRENCH SWIMMERS PUSH ME IN, COACH. 🤤

Field Hockey. I was last-year-years-old when I learned that field hockey was a proper sport played in an official capacity. I had no idea! I thought it was something kids did growing up when they didn’t have ice or rich parents. Back in my youth, I was a beast at field hockey. Just saying. 

Tbd there are a PLETHORA of other Olympic entries that I would love to do, too. 😭🥹

What I’m Reading Online:

The Joys of the Madeline Island Ferry by

Adam Rockwell

Hilarious, delightful read! 😂😂😂 I hail from the jewel of the Midwest (← that’s how I get over my shame from living in Wisconsin a flyover state) and loved every word of this article. Also, if you suffer from seasickness, drink beers! Don’t thank me, thank Adam.

Develop Your Dominant Questions by

Chris Guillebeau

Love everything about this piece! I am going to be coming back to this one and find my dominant questions. SO powerful. 💛 I already know this is gonna be one of those things that once you learn, it never leaves you.

You'll Never Get What You Want If You're Too Scared to Ask for It by

Michael Thompson

. Wow… just wow. 😭 I read this article this morning after my difficult phone conversation* and I actually cried while reading his article. It’s so beautiful. So timely. So wise. Please, please, please read. 🙏

What I’m Audio-Booking:

Still audio-booking A Hidden Wholeness. Although there was one chapter I listened to last week that was alllll about discecting this (weird) poem or something and NOT going to lie, I was completely lost the entire chapter. Keep in mind I listen to 99.7% of all audio-things on 2x speed so this man is talking about some poem that I lost the context for, for an entire chapter, listening on 2x speed aaaaaand I was lost. Sorry sir. 😂

What I’m Kindling:

Still on book 3 of The Mags Munroe series. And omg. The main character is having issues with her teenage daughter and it’s giving me life because sometimes my 8-year-old has the attitude of someone much older so it’s like I’m feeling less alone by reading about a fictional character's teenage daughter's problems. Does that make me sound like a bad parent? You tell me.

What I’m Watching:

The Olympics. More Olympics. And only the Olympics. @Olypics can you sponsor me? 😂

Although, I was talking with the fab

Maggie Jon

and she has lined up my next show… Fleabag! It sounds hilarious and once the Olympics are over… I shall give it a go.

What I’m Eating:

HOMEADE MOTHERFUCKING YOGURT. If you’ve been an OG reader you’ll know I have serious bloating issues and have mistaken myself in the mirror before as Octomom. Read more here.

Anywho. I’ve been trying to make this “Super Gut” homemade yogurt with a bunch of powerful probiotics in it and IT’S BEEN LESS THAN SMOOTH SAILING MORE LIKE A HURRICANE AND I’M ON A SAILBOAT TYPE VIBES.

Mainly because you have to get the goddamn temperature JUST right in order for those pissy probiotics to breed and multiply (← I’m so good at science).

However, I am pleased and SO proud to tell you that just this week, I made my first ever TRULY amazing batch of yogurt. At least, the consistency was finally correct. She was running a little hot so I don’t know if I murdered all the probiotics and am just eating yogurt and not SUPER GUT yogurt but right now I’m not even going to GO THERE because, well, I just need this win, ok? Ok.

What I’m Thinking:

Jaysus Christ I can feel the boob sweat forming between my boobs. Which is no small feat. My boobs have a gorge that would rival the grand canyons. Wait I don’t know if that makes sense. What I’m trying to say is… my boobs are not fluff muffins of abundance so this is an extraordinary feat to have boob sweat.

😂😂😂 I wrote ^that last night while at the sauna gymnastics gym. However, it is now Tuesday morning and I’m polishing this bad-girl up to send out to you and I’m having an entirely DIFFERENT thought swirl in my mind. So, switching gear lol.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share this shit… cuz I normally clam up tighter than a baby’s fist with contraband in it when I’m faced with hard shit and never share what I’m feeling with anyone. However… I wanna be honest with you all, so here goes. (🤮)

*This morning I called the child support agency inquiring why child support has been weird these last 4 weeks and… apparently my ex is no longer employed by the employer he was working at and he has not reported a new employer which means…

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. My ex is the most DIFFICULT person to deal with (times infinity) and I know there are laws about not paying child support but that man largely does not give a fuck and will make this as difficult as humanly possible. That I know. I have a horrible feeling he is going to find a way to magically show he’s hardly making any income on paper going forward.

And I’m stressed. And ashamed. Truly. The biggest emotion next to stress I’m feeling right now is shame. So much shame for needing that man’s income to supplement providing for our my child (I have sole custody and he is 99.7% absent). It makes me feel like a fucking failure. Sigh.

…

I know I will figure this out. I know difficult shit will make me stronger in the long run. I know some women don’t ever get child support and I’m “lucky” to have/had it. And yes, I do hope to have it again in the very near future, and in the long term future, have loads of fuck you money and never need that man’s financial involvement ever again.

Goddamn, this is not the news I wanted this morning, you know? 😭 And this was supposed to be a lite shame sammie. 😂

Or, is this the way of the Universe nudging me to ask more, dare greatly, put myself out there more?

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IT FEELS AWFULY SCARY IN THIS MOMENT.

And.

I have faith. I know I will come through this way better for it in the end. So fucking bring it, higher-good-for-me-self. ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥 (← also, terrified. hahahahah)

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Aaaaaand that’s a wrap!

I hope your Tuesday is less financially distressing than mine was. 😂😂

-M

p.s. —

As I am being reminded, you don’t get what you don’t ask for. So:

→ Does the thought of creating a memorable personal brand feel like chopsticks being jabbed into your flesh?

→ Does the task of writing an epic and unforgettable bio make you puke fish guts?

→ Does coming up with a catchy newsletter name make your hair fall out?

→ Does writing your about page for your website (or ANY page for your website) make you break out in butt hives?

→ Does the thought of having someone else’s eyeballs all over your marketing strategy make you get warm fluttery butterfly flippity-flaps in your heart?

Great news, I love helping humans create unforgettable brands! Your horror at the thought of creating a memorable brand is my happy place!

And I can help you all for the LOW price of only $2.77 million dollars! ← JJJJK. 😂

If you’re a writer, coach, or entrepreneur who wants to elevate your brand experience but feeling stuck like a fly in a black widow’s web, shoot me an email or send me a message on Substack and let’s chat!

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Hi, hello! You just read Lite Shame Sandwich where I, Megan, share some shit with you in the only way I know how: blasphemously.

If you hate my writing please leave me a middle finger review and let me know. Exclamations are greatly appreciated. Emoji’s as well.

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Alternatively, if you love my writing and want to show your support, you can buy me some coffee popcorn. I love popcorn. But please know, I will still love you just the same even if you never buy me some popcorn, okay? 🫶