One thing I've always loved about your post is how raw it is. As far as forgiveness I feel there's 2 parts. The first is acknowledging it. The second, harder part is letting go. It doesn't have to change you, it just changes your disposition to the situation. Empty and hollow sometimes it might be, but sometimes it's worth letting that hurt go because then they no longer have any hold over you.
Thank you so much! Really appreciate that. 🥹🙏 And… ok… letting the *insert whatever* go. It sounds so simple. I can do it. I have to be able to do it. ‼️
I’ve had to literally forgive people for the unforgivable because the rage anger and resentment was eating me alive. The only way I could do it was undertaking a deep study and meditation of the trite but unfortunately deeply fucking real truth that hurt people hurt people. I had to find a place in my heart for their hurt and hold a little space for it. It didn’t mean that what they did was ok or that i condoned it or that it didn’t fuck me up bad but it meant I had a little candle burning in my heart for all the fucked up shit that happened to them. Just starting with clearing out the tiniest place for their pain and suffering and finding the tiniest piece of compassion for that while still holding room for my own immense pain and suffering. One doesn’t go away because the other comes into view. But they begin a conversation, a relationship, they begin to talk and at some point my pain realizes that it doesn’t have to defend itself against anything. It’s valid and real no matter what anyone else says. No matter what anyone else does, I know I am valid. At some point it realizes that I’m a grown up now with different boundaries and I’m never going to let anyone treat me like that again, so it’s safe and ok to have this compassion. Until that is true, compassion and forgiveness are not safe or a good idea. I need that rage and anger to keep me safe, keep me protected. But when I’ve integrated the lessons and the boundaries are strong and i am safe, then i can let go of the rage and light that candle for their hurt, begin to hold some space for it, because this is for me, not for anyone else’s benefit.
Anyway, that’s what I think. But it comes when it’s ready, when it’s safe.
Thank you so much for sharing this... I totally agree that hurt people hurt people. And you're so right, getting to a place where you can hold space and light that candle for their hurt helps melt away some of the resentment and hurt and anger and puts things into a different perspective. Thank you for this reminder!!! ♥️
My friend and fellow Substacker Dan Ehrenkrantz (Not So Random Thoughts) is currently writing a book about forgiveness. His most recent article, which I haven't finished reading yet, includes in its title, "Stop Trying to Forgive." So, could be helpful. Or one of his other articles. Dan believes that just about everyone has forgiveness wrong, and I agree. It's not something you do SO THAT you will be a better person, or in order to be at peace, or to adhere to Christian doctrine, or any of these things that you would somehow have to force yourself to do.
Now, I can't say what Dan believes forgiveness actually is (looking forward to his book!), but I can say what I think it is. It's coming to the understanding that the person who wronged you was simply unable to do better. That they were a victim of poor conditioning or mental illness or abuse or genetics or some other inability to act out of love, empathy, and compassion. That it was simply beyond their control. Even if they CONSCIOUSLY CHOSE to act with malice, it was because of some underlying poverty of personality or misguided belief that no one would actually choose to have as a character trait. Forgiving isn't endorsing the behavior. Forgiving isn't even love. It's just seeing and accepting that poor behavior, confusion, and malice are a part of the human condition (oh, perhaps that is the definition of love).
And in my mind, that takes a tremendous amount of study of the human condition and the nature of self, an ability to move beyond the standard, common, so-human self-centeredness that we all operate from within to a place of detachment. But that place is achieved not by will but by understanding.
Don, thank you so much for sharing! 🙏 I'm definitely going to be pondering this. I do agree that "hurt people hurt people"... and if we can come at people and situations with that understanding, it REALLY helps neutralize hurt/pain. And... to be vulnerably honest, I do struggle with the concept that hurt people aren't exactly responsible because they didn't choose to do what they did, which ties into the notion of not having free will... which throws me down a tangled mess of thoughts. 🤣
TL;DR--
Thank you for provoking deep and important thoughts! I would *love* to give myself and others more grace. 🥹🙏
Oh, Megan, please let me add this. I would not say that the person who has hurt us is not responsible. They are very much responsible for the harm they caused. That’s the thing; if a person doesn’t take responsibility for their actions (and feelings), they are only going to continue hurting people. And since they should be taking responsibility (they very well may not) then I certainly can’t and shouldn’t say they are not responsible, thus exonerating them; it would be like saying that what they did is okay. IT’S NOT OKAY.
So, for instance, I will always hold my children’s mother responsible for alienating my kids from me. I can do both at the same time; continue to hold her responsible, and recognize that she was unable to do better, that she has destroyed a family because she has a personality disorder, or was traumatized in her youth, or just doesn’t know how to love, whatever.
Forgiveness, to me, is just the ability to begin to see the causes behind someone’s behavior. And I think that helps alleviate the resentment a little bit, but it doesn’t mean you’re giving the aggressor a free pass or that you have to love them or like them or be kind to them.
I actually don’t believe we have a whole lot of free will (for those same reasons I mentioned about conditioning and genes and all that) but, oddly, I still hold people responsible for their actions. My children’s mother may have a host of causes and conditions that led her to be such a hateful and hurtful person, but there is still only one person who failed in her duty to nurture her children’s relationship with their father: HER. This may sound like it has a tinge of resentment, but it’s more that I’m just not going to pretend that what she did is okay when it isn’t. I lost my children’s trust, and they lost a good father.
I simply recognize that she is not well, that’s all. And it’s hard to continue to hate and blame someone who is a victim themselves. (For me, blame and responsibility are different.)
Thank you so much for this beautiful response… I’ll forever be fascinated and grateful for how profoundly healing & insightful energy can come through because one person took the time to post from the heart, and another person took the time to respond from the heart. There is much wisdom in being able to understand that “hurt people hurt people”, and really objectively and empathetically see the person through that lens — AND — not excusing what they did. And your response is really helping that sink in. Thank you. 🙏
I’m grateful to you too, Megan, for it was your honesty that helped me to realize this difference between seeing the causes behind a person’s behavior, and still holding them accountable for it. I may even write a post about forgiveness, something I think I’ve written about twice before. 😊
It’s possible that as my understanding evolves, I may toss out the term “forgiveness” altogether!
I love it. ♥️🙏 (I know you've positively impacted me with your writings on this topic before! Twas how I was first introduced to you, I believe. Full circle moment. 🥹)
Here's to continuously coming home to ourselves and giving ourselves grace to evolve. 🙏
Begin by being your own best friend my love 😍. As a cradle Catholic whose guilt shame and fear nearly put me in a mental institution for life, (a story for another time)I know of which I speak.
The next time you find yourself beating up on your best friend, stop in your tracks and picture the action you are beating yourself up about. Then put it in a brown paper bag, douse it with lighter fluid, light it and watch it burn 🔥. Do it EVERY TIME!
No matter what you are mad at your best friend about.
Try that religiously (pun intended) for one week and report back to me k?
De nada Megan. I pray 🙏🏻 (much of the Catholicism still floating around 😇) it is helpful. I raised 4 wonderful daughters who are now wonderful women and always tried to focus on self care and no beating oneself up. Raising girls in our patriarchy, not to mention the probably worse patriarchy of the church, to be self confident strong women required a vigilance I didn’t always maintain but tried to. 😊
“Forgiveness is giving up hope for a better past.” I heard that quote many years ago and it helped me understand that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. It’s a gift of peace.
And I will admit that some days that concept helps me a lot and other days it still doesn’t. Some days I feel that kind of peace with my past and other days, not quite.
Ahhh, what an great quote! It packs a punch. A gift of peace... YES. And I know exactly what you mean... sometimes I feel more at peace and then WHOOOOOSH!!!! It vanishes and I'm back at negative square one. FML lol. Anywho, I really love this perspective and shall be pondering it and carying it with me. Thank you! ♥️
I heard that quote also many years ago and it's been helpful for me too. It's a day to day, sometimes minute to minute contest for me to do the work especially on forgiving myself.
That said, the people in my life who were supposed to love me and treat me well, mostly did. So, I've not had to forgive truly awful things done by people who should have loved me. I hope that I would be able to but can't say for sure.
In 2018 I left the church/cult I was raised in. I was 43. At that time I believed I had a dozen or more friends and 4 siblings that claimed to love me. What followed was the most difficult two years of my life that I almost didn’t survive. One sister stayed with me and every other sibling and friend abandoned me overnight. It has changed my understanding of family, friends, and declarations of love forever. Most days I think I’m in the forgiveness zone, which has taken a lot of processing, but somedays I just have to admit honestly that I’m still hurt and mad in ways. I’m moving towards full forgiveness but I’m not rushing it or being hard on myself because it’s taking a while.
A debt should not be forgiven— unless it can’t be repaid— then you take on the price of that debt— and remove it from the ledgers. No longer expecting the impossible. No further action with the debtor required. Have them in your life or not. But you no longer carry the hope of them making it right.
Ooof, that is a DIFFICULT thing to take on. At least it triggers the shit out of me. 😅 But it makes sense... if you forgive you're wiping clean the "debt".
Forgiveness isn't so much about forgetting wrongs done to us, but taking our foot off that person's neck to allow us to breathe and not feel like we need to keep holding our foot there.
And no, you don't have to stop cursing.
Or always be perfect.
Or forget it. Any of it.
But if you want true freedom, it comes from forgiveness.
It's as much about your freedom as it is theirs.
I know I may be oversimplifying it.
I'm not meaning at all to come off like I'm some fucking personal example, because holy fuck I'm not.
I'm just suggesting a way that has helped me through the years.
Took me a hell of a long time to get to that point. And I still struggle.
Thank you for sharing and your encouragement!!! True freedom is the absolute goal… and if I have to go through forgiveness hell to get there… I shall. 🙏
Forgive my ex-husband, said a therapist. What? Why? He was an arsehole to me and continues to do arsehole things to my beautiful kids on a monthly basis, without the slightest hint of remorse.
Forgive him for that? No fucking way. What a horrible idea.
But I did manage to let go. I did need forgiveness. Forgiveness WAS the answer.
The answer wasn't to forgive him. It was to forgive MYSELF for getting involved with such a creep. When I forgave myself it was so good. And I could let go.
And then his ongoing arsehole-ness could just wash over me. Because I didn't have to condone his dreadful behaviour with stupid therapist forgiveness.
Forgiving myself was the answer. Maybe it will be for you, too?
Mmm, yes, I relate to this deeply. I love that you chose your own path that was what YOU needed. And I struggle HARD with self-forgiveness... and I know I need it deeply. Thank you for sharing this and nudging me in the right direction. ♥️
You mentioned feeling like "a stretched rubber band, violently snapping back to where I started." That image is powerful, and it made me think: perhaps our struggle with forgiveness isn't about a failure to let go, but rather a stubborn insistence on holding onto a part of ourselves that we fear losing. We cling to the anger, the victimhood, or the self-pity because, in a strange way, it defines us. It's a familiar landscape, even if it's painful.
What if the act of "forgiveness" isn't an active doing, but a passive allowing for a shift in identity? It’s not about forgiving the specific person or event, but forgiving the part of ourselves that became entangled in that narrative, allowing a new, freer self to emerge. It's less about the F-word and more about the S-word: surrender – not to the person who hurt you, but to the possibility of a lighter, less burdened existence for yourself.
Oooh this slaps... YES. 🙏 I definitely cling to the version of myself forged in between all of the shit that's happened in my life. Even though it's painful.
Surrender... I'm really going to ponder and explore that concept of surrendering to a shift in identity and letting myself come to wholeness with myself. Letting go of pain doesn't have to mean I'm losing parts of me, I'm surrendering to my wholeness. And I think my wholeness can contain a whole lot. ♥️ Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful perspective!!!
Forgive me (haha), but I will have to give a cranky old man answer - after a certain amount of time, in my experience, the bad feelings slowly fade away until you reach a point where you realise it's not even about forgiveness necessarily, but just letting it all go and saying 'fuck it, it's all in the past.' I say this as someone who dwells on the past and holds grudges FOREVER but there comes a point where you just don't care so much anymore. In my case, it's age and circumstances - when you've been through a bunch of shit, it's like 'what's the point of harboring these thoughts?'
My situation - and my sister's - has to do with our mother. She's constantly asking us to forgive her and we're like, yeah sure, we do, but it's not so much that, it's more that enough time has passed that we've let it all go and just sort of left it lingering there.
Not sure if that makes sense, but it's helped me. Maybe 10 years ago there was more bitterness.
Yes, as someone who also holds onto shit for ungodly amounts of time... I'm VERY grateful that time *does* help fade shit. It's so fascinating how that happens. And gives me hope that I can get there BEFORE an ungodly amount of time passes... lol.
As a minister's kid I ate my weight in shame several times over, and so your posts usually resonate with me to some degree or another but this one really landed. Because there are people in my past whom I need to forgive; my resentment and hate for them boils in me like an acid. My wife is a mental health counselor and she tells me all the time that I need to forgive them, but like you said, it's not easy to do. I can watch birds fly all day long but that doesn't mean I will ever be able to do it myself. If you come up with any pointers please let us know. All the best.
Thank you. I appreciate the thoughtful response. You’re very kind. I enjoy reading your work and wish you peace and happiness and health as you make your path through these choppy seas
Ahhh YESSSSS -> "I can watch birds fly all day long but that doesn't mean I will ever be able to do it myself" 😭 I see you.
There are so many insightful comments on this post, and one of my biggest takeaways so far is... we're all so individual and that means what works or is right for one person doesn't mean it will work for the next. And that is very encouraging and comforting to me... IT'S OK TO DO SHIT THAT'S RIGHT FOR *US*!!!
And-- I think there is something to be said about *SELF* forgiveness. If I can bloody forgive myself about not being able to forgive other people... I think that will in itself, dramatically help neutralize the acid.
I'm going to practice letting myself be ok in this messy state. And I hope you can do that for yourself if it feels right, too. 🙏
Oooh, I love that question and pondering! I *do* like that framing... it somehow... helps. It helps me remember that *I* am deserving of compassion, and self-forgivness, and forgiving others comes back around and frees me. Thank you so much for sharing this!
Megan, first of all, thanks for attending the creative retreat. Secondly, my first wife had an affair on me and I tried really hard to forgive and it was such a struggle. It wasn't until we got into therapy and through that process, I learned to see things from her perspective and understand why someone might do that. So forgiveness was a byproduct of understanding. That was an epiphany to me
Hi Eddie! You are so welcome, it was a blast! 🙌 And, thank you so much for sharing this... "forgiveness was a byproduct of understanding"... that is so powerful and very helpful. I shall take that with me!
One thing I've always loved about your post is how raw it is. As far as forgiveness I feel there's 2 parts. The first is acknowledging it. The second, harder part is letting go. It doesn't have to change you, it just changes your disposition to the situation. Empty and hollow sometimes it might be, but sometimes it's worth letting that hurt go because then they no longer have any hold over you.
UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN *exits in skeletor*
Thank you so much! Really appreciate that. 🥹🙏 And… ok… letting the *insert whatever* go. It sounds so simple. I can do it. I have to be able to do it. ‼️
Great outro!! 😂
Kick it's ass then report back!
I’ve had to literally forgive people for the unforgivable because the rage anger and resentment was eating me alive. The only way I could do it was undertaking a deep study and meditation of the trite but unfortunately deeply fucking real truth that hurt people hurt people. I had to find a place in my heart for their hurt and hold a little space for it. It didn’t mean that what they did was ok or that i condoned it or that it didn’t fuck me up bad but it meant I had a little candle burning in my heart for all the fucked up shit that happened to them. Just starting with clearing out the tiniest place for their pain and suffering and finding the tiniest piece of compassion for that while still holding room for my own immense pain and suffering. One doesn’t go away because the other comes into view. But they begin a conversation, a relationship, they begin to talk and at some point my pain realizes that it doesn’t have to defend itself against anything. It’s valid and real no matter what anyone else says. No matter what anyone else does, I know I am valid. At some point it realizes that I’m a grown up now with different boundaries and I’m never going to let anyone treat me like that again, so it’s safe and ok to have this compassion. Until that is true, compassion and forgiveness are not safe or a good idea. I need that rage and anger to keep me safe, keep me protected. But when I’ve integrated the lessons and the boundaries are strong and i am safe, then i can let go of the rage and light that candle for their hurt, begin to hold some space for it, because this is for me, not for anyone else’s benefit.
Anyway, that’s what I think. But it comes when it’s ready, when it’s safe.
This is actually helpful to me. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing this... I totally agree that hurt people hurt people. And you're so right, getting to a place where you can hold space and light that candle for their hurt helps melt away some of the resentment and hurt and anger and puts things into a different perspective. Thank you for this reminder!!! ♥️
My friend and fellow Substacker Dan Ehrenkrantz (Not So Random Thoughts) is currently writing a book about forgiveness. His most recent article, which I haven't finished reading yet, includes in its title, "Stop Trying to Forgive." So, could be helpful. Or one of his other articles. Dan believes that just about everyone has forgiveness wrong, and I agree. It's not something you do SO THAT you will be a better person, or in order to be at peace, or to adhere to Christian doctrine, or any of these things that you would somehow have to force yourself to do.
Now, I can't say what Dan believes forgiveness actually is (looking forward to his book!), but I can say what I think it is. It's coming to the understanding that the person who wronged you was simply unable to do better. That they were a victim of poor conditioning or mental illness or abuse or genetics or some other inability to act out of love, empathy, and compassion. That it was simply beyond their control. Even if they CONSCIOUSLY CHOSE to act with malice, it was because of some underlying poverty of personality or misguided belief that no one would actually choose to have as a character trait. Forgiving isn't endorsing the behavior. Forgiving isn't even love. It's just seeing and accepting that poor behavior, confusion, and malice are a part of the human condition (oh, perhaps that is the definition of love).
And in my mind, that takes a tremendous amount of study of the human condition and the nature of self, an ability to move beyond the standard, common, so-human self-centeredness that we all operate from within to a place of detachment. But that place is achieved not by will but by understanding.
Don, thank you so much for sharing! 🙏 I'm definitely going to be pondering this. I do agree that "hurt people hurt people"... and if we can come at people and situations with that understanding, it REALLY helps neutralize hurt/pain. And... to be vulnerably honest, I do struggle with the concept that hurt people aren't exactly responsible because they didn't choose to do what they did, which ties into the notion of not having free will... which throws me down a tangled mess of thoughts. 🤣
TL;DR--
Thank you for provoking deep and important thoughts! I would *love* to give myself and others more grace. 🥹🙏
Oh, Megan, please let me add this. I would not say that the person who has hurt us is not responsible. They are very much responsible for the harm they caused. That’s the thing; if a person doesn’t take responsibility for their actions (and feelings), they are only going to continue hurting people. And since they should be taking responsibility (they very well may not) then I certainly can’t and shouldn’t say they are not responsible, thus exonerating them; it would be like saying that what they did is okay. IT’S NOT OKAY.
So, for instance, I will always hold my children’s mother responsible for alienating my kids from me. I can do both at the same time; continue to hold her responsible, and recognize that she was unable to do better, that she has destroyed a family because she has a personality disorder, or was traumatized in her youth, or just doesn’t know how to love, whatever.
Forgiveness, to me, is just the ability to begin to see the causes behind someone’s behavior. And I think that helps alleviate the resentment a little bit, but it doesn’t mean you’re giving the aggressor a free pass or that you have to love them or like them or be kind to them.
I actually don’t believe we have a whole lot of free will (for those same reasons I mentioned about conditioning and genes and all that) but, oddly, I still hold people responsible for their actions. My children’s mother may have a host of causes and conditions that led her to be such a hateful and hurtful person, but there is still only one person who failed in her duty to nurture her children’s relationship with their father: HER. This may sound like it has a tinge of resentment, but it’s more that I’m just not going to pretend that what she did is okay when it isn’t. I lost my children’s trust, and they lost a good father.
I simply recognize that she is not well, that’s all. And it’s hard to continue to hate and blame someone who is a victim themselves. (For me, blame and responsibility are different.)
Thank you so much for this beautiful response… I’ll forever be fascinated and grateful for how profoundly healing & insightful energy can come through because one person took the time to post from the heart, and another person took the time to respond from the heart. There is much wisdom in being able to understand that “hurt people hurt people”, and really objectively and empathetically see the person through that lens — AND — not excusing what they did. And your response is really helping that sink in. Thank you. 🙏
I’m grateful to you too, Megan, for it was your honesty that helped me to realize this difference between seeing the causes behind a person’s behavior, and still holding them accountable for it. I may even write a post about forgiveness, something I think I’ve written about twice before. 😊
It’s possible that as my understanding evolves, I may toss out the term “forgiveness” altogether!
I love it. ♥️🙏 (I know you've positively impacted me with your writings on this topic before! Twas how I was first introduced to you, I believe. Full circle moment. 🥹)
Here's to continuously coming home to ourselves and giving ourselves grace to evolve. 🙏
PS—I finished Dan's essay and I think it is definitely helpful!
Also, I enjoy your writing very much, Megan! 😊
Begin by being your own best friend my love 😍. As a cradle Catholic whose guilt shame and fear nearly put me in a mental institution for life, (a story for another time)I know of which I speak.
The next time you find yourself beating up on your best friend, stop in your tracks and picture the action you are beating yourself up about. Then put it in a brown paper bag, douse it with lighter fluid, light it and watch it burn 🔥. Do it EVERY TIME!
No matter what you are mad at your best friend about.
Try that religiously (pun intended) for one week and report back to me k?
Michael John Joseph here.
Trying to be your 2nd best friend 😇
Woah… I love this. I feel like I can channel some pyromaniac vibes and get on board with this!!!
*narrators voice: this could either go very well or very not well* 😂
And omg… I have NOT been being my own bff!!!! Thank you for that reminder. 🥹🙏 I’m going to practice this. 🙏
De nada Megan. I pray 🙏🏻 (much of the Catholicism still floating around 😇) it is helpful. I raised 4 wonderful daughters who are now wonderful women and always tried to focus on self care and no beating oneself up. Raising girls in our patriarchy, not to mention the probably worse patriarchy of the church, to be self confident strong women required a vigilance I didn’t always maintain but tried to. 😊
“Forgiveness is giving up hope for a better past.” I heard that quote many years ago and it helped me understand that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. It’s a gift of peace.
And I will admit that some days that concept helps me a lot and other days it still doesn’t. Some days I feel that kind of peace with my past and other days, not quite.
Ahhh, what an great quote! It packs a punch. A gift of peace... YES. And I know exactly what you mean... sometimes I feel more at peace and then WHOOOOOSH!!!! It vanishes and I'm back at negative square one. FML lol. Anywho, I really love this perspective and shall be pondering it and carying it with me. Thank you! ♥️
I heard that quote also many years ago and it's been helpful for me too. It's a day to day, sometimes minute to minute contest for me to do the work especially on forgiving myself.
That said, the people in my life who were supposed to love me and treat me well, mostly did. So, I've not had to forgive truly awful things done by people who should have loved me. I hope that I would be able to but can't say for sure.
In 2018 I left the church/cult I was raised in. I was 43. At that time I believed I had a dozen or more friends and 4 siblings that claimed to love me. What followed was the most difficult two years of my life that I almost didn’t survive. One sister stayed with me and every other sibling and friend abandoned me overnight. It has changed my understanding of family, friends, and declarations of love forever. Most days I think I’m in the forgiveness zone, which has taken a lot of processing, but somedays I just have to admit honestly that I’m still hurt and mad in ways. I’m moving towards full forgiveness but I’m not rushing it or being hard on myself because it’s taking a while.
A debt should not be forgiven— unless it can’t be repaid— then you take on the price of that debt— and remove it from the ledgers. No longer expecting the impossible. No further action with the debtor required. Have them in your life or not. But you no longer carry the hope of them making it right.
That’s forgiveness
Ooof, that is a DIFFICULT thing to take on. At least it triggers the shit out of me. 😅 But it makes sense... if you forgive you're wiping clean the "debt".
When I accepted forgiveness is not forgetting, that helped.
Yes! 🙏
Forgiveness isn't so much about forgetting wrongs done to us, but taking our foot off that person's neck to allow us to breathe and not feel like we need to keep holding our foot there.
And no, you don't have to stop cursing.
Or always be perfect.
Or forget it. Any of it.
But if you want true freedom, it comes from forgiveness.
It's as much about your freedom as it is theirs.
I know I may be oversimplifying it.
I'm not meaning at all to come off like I'm some fucking personal example, because holy fuck I'm not.
I'm just suggesting a way that has helped me through the years.
Took me a hell of a long time to get to that point. And I still struggle.
Take care of you.
And dammit.....don't beat yourself up about it.
If it was easy, everyone would do it.
Thank you for sharing and your encouragement!!! True freedom is the absolute goal… and if I have to go through forgiveness hell to get there… I shall. 🙏
Forgive my ex-husband, said a therapist. What? Why? He was an arsehole to me and continues to do arsehole things to my beautiful kids on a monthly basis, without the slightest hint of remorse.
Forgive him for that? No fucking way. What a horrible idea.
But I did manage to let go. I did need forgiveness. Forgiveness WAS the answer.
The answer wasn't to forgive him. It was to forgive MYSELF for getting involved with such a creep. When I forgave myself it was so good. And I could let go.
And then his ongoing arsehole-ness could just wash over me. Because I didn't have to condone his dreadful behaviour with stupid therapist forgiveness.
Forgiving myself was the answer. Maybe it will be for you, too?
Mmm, yes, I relate to this deeply. I love that you chose your own path that was what YOU needed. And I struggle HARD with self-forgiveness... and I know I need it deeply. Thank you for sharing this and nudging me in the right direction. ♥️
1. The hardest person to forgive is yourself.
2. The person you cannot forgive has control over you. They have the upper hand even if they are crazy.
1. YESSSSS. A million times yes. 😭 I'm realizing I can't be free until I forgive myself.
2. Also... YES. Ugh lol
You mentioned feeling like "a stretched rubber band, violently snapping back to where I started." That image is powerful, and it made me think: perhaps our struggle with forgiveness isn't about a failure to let go, but rather a stubborn insistence on holding onto a part of ourselves that we fear losing. We cling to the anger, the victimhood, or the self-pity because, in a strange way, it defines us. It's a familiar landscape, even if it's painful.
What if the act of "forgiveness" isn't an active doing, but a passive allowing for a shift in identity? It’s not about forgiving the specific person or event, but forgiving the part of ourselves that became entangled in that narrative, allowing a new, freer self to emerge. It's less about the F-word and more about the S-word: surrender – not to the person who hurt you, but to the possibility of a lighter, less burdened existence for yourself.
Oooh this slaps... YES. 🙏 I definitely cling to the version of myself forged in between all of the shit that's happened in my life. Even though it's painful.
Surrender... I'm really going to ponder and explore that concept of surrendering to a shift in identity and letting myself come to wholeness with myself. Letting go of pain doesn't have to mean I'm losing parts of me, I'm surrendering to my wholeness. And I think my wholeness can contain a whole lot. ♥️ Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful perspective!!!
Forgive me (haha), but I will have to give a cranky old man answer - after a certain amount of time, in my experience, the bad feelings slowly fade away until you reach a point where you realise it's not even about forgiveness necessarily, but just letting it all go and saying 'fuck it, it's all in the past.' I say this as someone who dwells on the past and holds grudges FOREVER but there comes a point where you just don't care so much anymore. In my case, it's age and circumstances - when you've been through a bunch of shit, it's like 'what's the point of harboring these thoughts?'
My situation - and my sister's - has to do with our mother. She's constantly asking us to forgive her and we're like, yeah sure, we do, but it's not so much that, it's more that enough time has passed that we've let it all go and just sort of left it lingering there.
Not sure if that makes sense, but it's helped me. Maybe 10 years ago there was more bitterness.
Yes, as someone who also holds onto shit for ungodly amounts of time... I'm VERY grateful that time *does* help fade shit. It's so fascinating how that happens. And gives me hope that I can get there BEFORE an ungodly amount of time passes... lol.
As a minister's kid I ate my weight in shame several times over, and so your posts usually resonate with me to some degree or another but this one really landed. Because there are people in my past whom I need to forgive; my resentment and hate for them boils in me like an acid. My wife is a mental health counselor and she tells me all the time that I need to forgive them, but like you said, it's not easy to do. I can watch birds fly all day long but that doesn't mean I will ever be able to do it myself. If you come up with any pointers please let us know. All the best.
Thank you. I appreciate the thoughtful response. You’re very kind. I enjoy reading your work and wish you peace and happiness and health as you make your path through these choppy seas
Thank you so much for your kind words! They mean a lot. 🙏 Here’s to peace and happiness and health for us both!
Ahhh YESSSSS -> "I can watch birds fly all day long but that doesn't mean I will ever be able to do it myself" 😭 I see you.
There are so many insightful comments on this post, and one of my biggest takeaways so far is... we're all so individual and that means what works or is right for one person doesn't mean it will work for the next. And that is very encouraging and comforting to me... IT'S OK TO DO SHIT THAT'S RIGHT FOR *US*!!!
And-- I think there is something to be said about *SELF* forgiveness. If I can bloody forgive myself about not being able to forgive other people... I think that will in itself, dramatically help neutralize the acid.
I'm going to practice letting myself be ok in this messy state. And I hope you can do that for yourself if it feels right, too. 🙏
When I was 14, I had to forgive a man who, while drunk, beat my mother to death on International Women's Day.
You know when you've forgiven; imagine the person won a lot of money in the lottery—how would you feel?
If the person needed help—would you help him?
That is absolutely awful... and you're right... Those questions cut through everything. Sending you love!
I wonder if forgiveness could be seen as part of self compassion? I’m not sure that this is a fully formed thought, or just a pondering.
Oooh, I love that question and pondering! I *do* like that framing... it somehow... helps. It helps me remember that *I* am deserving of compassion, and self-forgivness, and forgiving others comes back around and frees me. Thank you so much for sharing this!
Megan, first of all, thanks for attending the creative retreat. Secondly, my first wife had an affair on me and I tried really hard to forgive and it was such a struggle. It wasn't until we got into therapy and through that process, I learned to see things from her perspective and understand why someone might do that. So forgiveness was a byproduct of understanding. That was an epiphany to me
Hi Eddie! You are so welcome, it was a blast! 🙌 And, thank you so much for sharing this... "forgiveness was a byproduct of understanding"... that is so powerful and very helpful. I shall take that with me!