bloating, yogurt and bank accounts 🙈

PLS, DON'T THINK LESS OF ME AFTER READING <-- MY EGO (& ME)

Jun 21, 2024

You’re reading The Confession which comes out on Fridays. Proceed with due caution.

THIS CONFESSION IS VERY EMBERASSING TO ADMIT.

IN FACT, I’M WONDERING WHY I’M ADMITTING THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

NEXT THOUGHT: I WOULD BE A THERAPIST’S DREAM SLASH WORST NIGHTMARE TO WORK WITH WHEN THEY REALIZED HOW MANY ONION LAYERS I PRESENT. SUPRISE, THERE’S MOOOOOORE LAYERS!

FOLLOWED BY THIS THOUGHT: I THINK I ALL CAPS IT WHEN I’M NERVOUS.

…

Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine I’ll quit fucking around and get into it.

JK I am not done stalling yet (😂) cuz…

GUESS WHAT?!?! (← there’s that all caps again).

I’m currently in the middle process* of making HOMEADE YOGURT. (← jesus i apologize, on behalf of myself, this is annoying and I cannot stop noticing my own all caps now. going to ignore it going forward)

But not just ANY kind of yogurt. I’m making “SUPER GUT” / SIBO yogurt with… *ahem*

Not to brag but 3 STRAINS OF PROBIOTICS in it.

Why? Because my belly bloats like the octomom (you remember her, right???) after eating one tiny nibble of pizza or one grain of garlic salt or god forbid it’s got a speck of preservative in it or basically anything NOT prepared by the hands of virgin angels from the garden of eden. And yes, it SUCKS DIRTY DIRTY ASS!!!!

And, tbh, I’ve just been dealing with the bloat, more like - SUCKING IT IN for yeaaaaaaaaars (again, a therapist’s dream or nightmare situation) and finally, in the last couple of months have finally been like, “yo BITCH, maybe you shouldn’t just continue to accept the fact that you have to live like octomom anymore” and so… I put my expert Googling skills to life and miraculously found something I’d never heard of before “SIBO”.

Basically? It’s when the “bad bacteria” overrules the “good bacteria” in your gut and travels waaaaaaaaaaay further up your intestines and fucks up the hell out of you.

Not least of which includes bloating like the ocotomom.

ANYWHO.

That Googling then led me to Youtubing which then led me to the book Super Gut by Dr. William Davis and now I am putting all of my hopes and dreams and distended belly in the hands of this man’s book.

Which leads me to the yogurt I’m making. Allegedly this “Super Gut” yogurt with the 3 strains of probiotics in it has had incredible results for people. SWEET BABY JESUS I’M SORRY FOR ALL MY SWEARING CAN YOU PLEASE LET THIS WORK FOR ME? AMEN. 🙏

*Currently, I’m waiting for the half-n-half that I heated to 185 degrees (actually I heated it to like 200 accidentally fml I hope that didn’t wreck everything) to cool to 105 degrees so I can add 2 TBSPs of it to the probiotics and prebiotic fiber, mix it all up, add the rest of the half-n-half, and let that baby cook for 36 hours in the yogurt maker.

AND - thank god, I think it’s finally cooled to 105 degrees, BRB!!!!!

Oh my freckle-faced-lord… we have yogurt brewing in the yogurt maker, I repeat… we have yogurt brewing in the yogurt maker!!!!!

Well, I hope that’s what’s happening in there. I now have to wait 36 hours (which is the equivalent to 93 hours for an inpatient person like myself) until it’s done… which means that 8am on Saturday morning (writing this on Thursday evening lol) I will face the consequences of my yogurt brewing decision. Damn, I’m nervous-excited right now!!!!!

Although I will be so rageful if this yogurt fails. Which, based on my youtube research, there is a HIGH probability that the first batch you undertake has great pleasure in bending you over the yogurt maker and saying screw you. So I’ve got that going for me.

…

OK SHIT. I actually need to get to this goddamn confessional that I was hoping you had forgotten about by now. 😭😂

Here goes my embarrassing confession:

Some days, I check my bank account app more ~~than a frisky fox checks their STD report~~ than is necessary.

And by “more than is necessary” I mean MULTIPLE TIMES per day. Dozens of times per week. Because I’ve got issues. 😭😂

UGH I AM COWERING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THAT IS MORE EMBERASSING TO ADMIT THAN FINDING LINT IN YOUR BELLY-BUTTON WHILST TRYING TO MAKE UN-AWKWARD EYE CONTACT WITH THE HOT BOYS AT THE BEACH.

…

Tell me, how do you feel right now after that spilled tea was dropped?

→ Better about your own life?

→ Relieved you aren’t a loser like me?

→ Checking your own belly button for lint right now?

…

Now, PART of this cowering I’m currently enduring is due to the fact that I have an unhealthy relationship with my phone, (that’s been improving since admitting it 🙏). And checking the bank account is another way to distract from my problems.

And SOME of it is due to the fact that I’ve got a very ADHD brain and I can do certain things and my brain retains it about as well as a mesh strainer retains water and I don’t remember what dollar amount the bank account app showed, so I do it again. Multiple times. Because I’ve got amnesia sometimes. (my goodness I sound so so so so so ridiculous!!!)

And the REST of this is due to the fact that I have a helllllllllllla fucked up mindset around money.

→ Major scarcity issues? Meeeee. 👋

→ Thinking I’m never going to earn more money and will always be one step away from penny-pinching? Also meeeee. 👋

→ Checking my bank account multiple times per day to make sure my money didn’t go on vacation to the Swis Alps and forget to come back? Yep, meeeeee. 👋

God, I cannot believe how REDICULOUS it is that a grown-ass adult woman would behave in such a manner.

Rationally, I know exactly where my money is. And goes. I’m one of those people who has an ~~Excel G~~oogle spreadsheet with my monthly budget and track my spending every week. I’m on top of my shit. And hella responsible with my money.

It’s just that… I have this 1,729-pound belief strapped to my back that tells me I will NEVER earn more money than I’m making right now, “working for the man”. That my just enough to pay the bills and have a meager savings is my lot in life.

And that my dream of being my own boss, getting paid to write, and create, and do what I love will NEVER, EVER be viable and I will never make money from that.

FUCK A BOBCAT THAT MAKES ME ANGRY!!!!!

Because I know it’s manure shit. Utter rubbish.

And the fact that I know it’s utter rubbish and that mindset is directly related to my experience growing up (childhood → scarcity, etc. etc. etc.) and yet I still behave in the exact same scarcity mindset is on par with a bee sting to your bumhole!!!!!

…

So, why confess this shit if it’s so bloody shameful for me to face?

Excellent question. And one that’s been ruminating around my head a lot lately like a fly trying to get out of a closed window. buzz buzz smack buzz

I can’t possibly get a different perspective on my problems while they’re still inside of me, hidden away, ruminating on repeat. But the second I let my problems out, for anyone to see, I instantly feel the oh-so-powerful-grip-of-shame loosen just a little bit, along with gaining an entirely new perspective and insight that somehow seems to help me move forward a little better.

…

^That is why I overshare my confessions*. Because somehow, in the act of making known what is begging to be known… I become a lighter, free-er, (but still bloated) human.

Maybe I’m not really bloated because of bad bacteria, maybe I’m bloated because of all of the shame and guilt I’ve carried around for years and years. What a horrible yet plausible thought. Sobbing emoji.

(*And trust me, for every 1 confession I share, I have 33 more bouncing around in my brain begging “pick me next, pick meeeee!!!!”. To be clear, not all of my confessions are shame-filled-romps. Some are lighter. 😂)

Now, circling back to today’s confession, my ego is begging to tell you that I don’t ALWAYS check my bank account app daily like a maniac, ok. 🙈 But sometimes, when I’m feeling extra anxious, stressed about the future, or fantasizing about an Ireland trip… I do. I tap that lil bank app and get the sweet relief of seeing something other than $0.00 show up.

And a part of me thinks it’s completely impossible to ever achieve the kind of financial success I dream of, while being my own boss, getting paid to be myself, doing what I love.

And also, a part of me also completely believes it is possible for that to be my reality.

Although I suspect if I put the two to an arm wrestle the beastly nay-sayer would win. Steroid slut. 🙄

But. But, but, but…

I do have faith in my chestickle and hope in my heart… that one day soon I WILL surrender my scarcity mindset, fully embrace the abundance that exists, and live out my dream of inspiring other people to live their best life by living my best life.

So, here’s to living like that. <3

-M

p.s. MY YOGURT BETTER NOT FUCK ME OVER WITH THE LIGHTS ON!!!!!!

Hi, hello! You just read The Confession were I, Megan, confess some shit to you in the only way I know how: blasphemously.

And here’s even more detail you didn’t ask for.

I have challenged myself to write 3x weekly during the month of June as a way to normalize failure to myself, and well, others!

You see, fear of failure normally paralyzes me from the brain down and I never publish anything that I truly love or brings me joy. So for the entire month of June, I’m free-ing myself to write whatever the hell I want, and if it “fails” who the flip-flop cares!! It is an experiment.

So, if you want to give me feedback on this lil experiment of mine, I would be ever so grateful. Drop a comment and let me know if you like this kind of newsletter. Comments such as “it was more boring than Hillary’s ass” or “I feel alseep with my eyes open” are perfectly acceptable forms of feedback. I welcome it all.

Shank you for reading.