Sorry, I'm Ovulating.

Or: The Newsletter I Wanted to Write vs. What I Actually Wrote 🙈

Welcome to Shame Sandwich, where Megan feels equal parts shame and glee in sharing hilarious personal essays, thoughts, and dear-diary-esque rants every Friday. Sometimes on shame, sometimes shame infused, and other times, nothing to do with shame. Enjoy responsibly.

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FUCK A BUMBLEBEE’S ASSHOLE I’M HAVING TROUBLE GETTING STARTED WITH THIS!!!!! ← Is that what a 72-year-old man says when trying to have sex?????? Christ that’s disturbing. ← So sorry if that sounds ageist I so do not want to be. ← But seriously I’m a bit weirded out right now. ← I feel like the oldest I could bed would be 20 MAYBE 30 years older than me. ← MEGAN WHAT THE FUCK SHUT UP. ← Ok. ← Wait last thing please don’t make this weird, I’m not “into” older men unless you’re first name Brad last name Pitt*.

aaaaaaand we’re moving on!

Everything I try typing right now comes out wrong. Flat. Forced. (Except for the above, that just flowed riiiiiight on out! 😅) So as of right now, I have NO idea what I’m going to be writing about which, as I know I’ve brought up is TERRIFYING because the shit that flies out of my mouth mind while I’m not looking can make a sailor blush rose petals. 🌹😅

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FUCK. Fine. I might as well tell you the truth. 😒

I realized today I forgot to pay my car payment last month fml

What I ACTUALLY wanted to write about today was “-- ----- --- -- ---------- ---------” ← I can’t even tell you the title yet, but just know it’s a… pretty vulnerable/sensitive topic for me. Dare I say serious?! Well, serious with a side of comedic relief because CHRIST life is hard without laughter.

I could be down to my last dollar and still be cracking jokes with y’all: “Just went to Starbucks for the free wifi. Turns out they frown upon you taking feet pics for OnlyFans! Capitalist cockblockers 😒” ← 😂😂😂😂

What I’m TRYING to say is that I have this “heavy” topic that I really wanted to write about, and was mentally prepared to write about, but then… I realized there was no way I could properly do it justice by rush-writing it aaaaaaaaaaaaand. Here I sit, writing about 72-year-old men trying to get it on rambling.

Have you ever wanted to write about something “heavy” and then panic face-planted? 🙋‍♀️

In my DEFENSE, Your Honor, ← woah could that become the new ‘daddy’: ‘yes your honor 🥵’ ← I LITERALLY CANNOT WITH MYSELF I AM DEAD 😂😂😂😂 it’s not that I’m panic face-planting at the thought of writing this, it’s that I don’t have time to properly write this AND send it out properly on time.

And that’s messing with me.

There is this insidious little voice inside my noggin saying:

“Bitch. You couldn’t properly write that piece if you had 17 days off and no distractions. You really think you can write that piece? Sure. Ok. Go for it. Be my guest! 😂 First off, people are going to think you’re soooooo dumb for thinking it was a “heavy” piece and second off, you’re going to do a terrible job writing it that people will be embarrassed for you. Hahahahaha!!!!!! You’re such a fool. 😂😂😂😂”

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Wow. I just have to say, that insidious little voice inside my noggin is an absolute cunt. Or, Cunt. Wait, if I capitalize cunt does that make me sound like a boss or give the cunt more respect than is due?????? ← weeding out the weaklings with my generous use of the C word. 👀

Yep, that’s what I’m dealing with right now. I wanted to say ‘well jab a fork up your cunt, Cunt’, but I don’t know if that’s too much. And I’m truly going to move on now.

Shiste, I actually have to say one more thing: I strongly want to edit out the above paragraph. Some people might digitally stone me over that. #owwie But. Fuck it. I’ve lived so long being ashamed of who I am, and goddamnit if I’m not a wild-mouthed-minded-woman. So I’m just going to leave that in there.

Am I ashamed that’s the real me? Yes, unfortunately. Am I also giddy with glee that I’m leaving the real me in here? You betcha. And hopefully, by doing so, I’ll stop being so ashamed of being myself.

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Anywho. I’m going to work on writing that “heavy” piece. 🖤 Maybe this week, maybe another week. But it is a big part of my “story”, and I want to tell it. And so I shall. When the time is right.

Now, I’m going to wrap up this utterly pointless, but seriously hope it made you chuckle, newsletter up with this:

*OH ← OMG OH, BACKARDS, IS HO. LOL MY GOODNESS I’VE GOT SOME SHIT TO SHARE!!!

Calm down, it’s nothing important, I assure you. 😂

So I Googled Brad Pitt to make sure I had his age right, I thought he must be right around 60, but I had to double-check. Yep, 60. And what do I see? Articles about him and his “They Have Something Special” girlfriend, Ines de Ramon, who is 30 FUCKING 4.

She getting that silver fox. Rawr. Or, #WhatDoesTheFoxSay. 👀

Which, honestly, good for her. Like I said earlier, if I had a chance to bed that man I would, but only because he falls within my 30 year max age gap, obvs. 💅

OK THIS IS OFFICIALLY THE MOST WEIRD AND BASICALLY POINTLESS NEWSLETTER THAT I’VE PUT OUT THERE. AND I LOVE IT.

And now I must go. I bid you the best Friday and weekend EVER!!! 🫶

-M

p.s. - I thought about downloading the Hinge dating app today ← wtf is up with me today am I ovulating or something?!? actually yes because I’m actually kid-free this weekend but, meh. Dating apps are carnage to your inner peace, you know? I’m not going to put that on me right now.

p.p.s - The title of this newsletter though. 🙈 I just hope you find it as hilarious as I do. 😂😂😂😂

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Hi, hello! You just read Shame Sandwich where I, Megan, share some shit with you in the only way I know how: blasphemously.

If you hate my writing please leave me a middle finger review and let me know. Exclamations are greatly appreciated. Emoji’s as well.

Or, if you didn’t hate my writing, a lil heart, comment or share would really make my tits tingle.

Alternatively, if you love my writing and want to show your support, you can buy me some coffee popcorn. I love popcorn. But please know, I will still love you just the same even if you never buy me some popcorn, okay? 🫶