Mount Everest, Welcome Emails and Middle Fingers 🏔 💻🖕

i'm so happy it's friday omg

Welcome to Shame Sandwich, where Megan feels equal parts shame and glee in sharing hilarious personal essays, thoughts, and dear-diary-esque rants. Sometimes on shame, sometimes shame infused, and other times, nothing to do with shame. Enjoy responsibly.

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Soooooooo it took shoving my brain cells against a brick wall for at least 73 hours before they finally woke up and cooperated but we’re here now and I miraculously managed to write my “welcome email” to new subscribers.

During this perilous journey into the depths of my mind (that bitch was hostile, my lord, I offered her a Snickers bar and she punched me soooo) I have come to the conclusion that consolidating information / defining myself objectively / effortlessly describing my writing is FUCKING HARD.

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Climbing-Mount-Everest-while-8-months-pregnant-and-your-guide-passed-away-27-miles-ago-hard. (← JK I JUST FACT CHECKED MYSELF AND THIS IS FALSE. BASECAMP TO MOUNT EVEREST IS ONLY 8.8 MILES. #OOPS WHICH MEANS THAT GUIDE WAS A GONNER WELL BEFORE BASECAMP. DAMN.)

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Here’s my brain when I ask it to write a “welcome email” describing what shame sandwich is/the purpose of my newsletter:

*blooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

*bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup*

*blop blop blop blop blop*

*bliiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuooooooooooooop*

*bluuuuuuiiiiiioooooooouuuuuuuiiiiiip*

*ble ble ble ble ble ble*

*blooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

*bluuuuuuuuuuurp*

*blaaaaaaaaaaaaauauauauauauauauauauaauuuuuuuuuiiiiiiiiiip*

Insert 7,149 swear words, brain temper tantrums and fights to the above and you’ve got a decent idea of the perilous journey I went on.

I suspect it has something to do with my ADHD-esque brain, but trying to describe and organize information sometimes feels like trying to complete a jig-saw puzzle, after half the pieces have been scattered by a tornado to Timbuktu, the cover photo is missing and oh yeah you’re also BLIND. (← freakishly accurate description. Fascinating. This is why I love writing. I learn so much about myself 😂)

And so, since I DID in fact manage to write my welcome email, I’ll be damned if only NEW subscribers get to read this labor of love blood bath, so without further ado, I present to you my new “welcome email” that will pleasure (or scar?) the eyes of new* subscribers… 😄

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*I will turn this welcome email “live” in a couple of days so peeps who might subscribe after reading this newsletter aren’t hit with almost the same email twice lmao

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[behold, the new welcome email…]

Jesus fuck I have been trying to craft the perfect “welcome-to-the-Shame Sandwich-Newsletter-email” for AT LEAST 73 hours at this point. 😭😂

LKA SDFLKAJSHDF LKASDJHF !!!!!!!!!!M ASLKDFH SL;DKJH LKSDUHGSLD,J KJDSHF;LAS HIUE. L;KADSFJ SD;LGFJ SDLKJFK USEI;A !!!!!! $%VTU( ISDJF VSADLKFJH JDHFHAI H;LSHFG48OEO[A. FKJHGAEOIHGKDJA;H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

L;SDKJF OW;EIU DSKL H SD;L KFV A’EIHlkdhjfg. diuoyLJFK G IOE;ILHWS ldjk jae oiu sljsd fruie[oh SLKJDF I;LIDFH GAL,KSDJF IE !!!!!!!!! (← + 8,237 more paragraphs of utter garbage that I have deleted and spared you from. You should have seen the shit that didn’t make the cut. 🫠)

I’m particularly bad at these kinds of “welcome” emails.

I tend to get really sweary, or awkward, or rambly. Fuck. 😂

The reason I’m so bad* at them is because I’m NERVOUS you’re going to hate it and immediately unsubscribe.

(*And also the fact that organizing my thoughts into words sometimes feels like nails to my eyes. Writing? No problem. Explain to someone in an organized fashion what I’m writing about? hellllll-p.)

HOW AWKWARD WOULD THAT BE!!!!!!!!

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You: Subscribes to “Shame Sandwich”

You: Reads ‘Welcome Email’

You: “…well this is carnage…”

*Unsubscribes*

Me: FUCK A PHAT DUCK WHERE DID I GO WRONG??? SEE, IF ONLY MY WELCOME EMAIL WERE NOT CARNAGE, I WOULDN’T BE IN THIS SITUATION!!!

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Now, in full see-through transparency, 52% of me wants to delete the above exchange. Who says fuck a phat duck and has any subscribers left ?????

Me. I say that.

Why, you ask?

Excellent question. To quote the great Lady Gaga… baby, I was born this way.

Or, to put it another way…I don’t know why I’m this way, I just know I am. 😅

And you know what? Fuck it. I’m on a mission to normalize failing being yourself. 👋

→ Even when you’re sweary.

→ Even when you don’t feel like you fit in.

→ Even when you’re scared.

→ Even when you don’t have all of the answers.

→ Even when you feel like you’ve got a shame sandwich lodged in your throat and you’re sure everyone and their mother would bolt if they got a VIP ticket to the thoughts in your mind.

Especially ^then.

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Basically, if you’ve ever felt afraid to be yourself, try something new, or put yourself out there because you’re riddled with doubt, fear, or shameful thoughts in one form or another… this newsletter is for you. 🥪

Now— here’s where I feel like I need to issue a lil disclaimer.

***DISCLAIMER

Shame Sandwich isn’t about WADDLING (🦆) in a shame-filled existence and staying put there. Because, ew. And this newsletter isn’t only or all about “shame”, either.

But goddamnit if we aren’t going to crack a lid on that little bastard shame now and again and let it see the light of day. Because shame THRIVES in hiding in the darkest corners of our brain-boxes.

For example! My sweary mouth. I’ve been ashamed of it for a long time. Well, proud and ashamed, if I’m being honest. 😂 And I do intend on only being honest here.

But trying to filter myself into a more “polished” version of me so “people will like me more” makes about as much sense as drinking perfume. YER INSIDES MIGHT SMILE LIKE CHANEL NO. 5 BUT DOES THAT MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU MORE, OR MAKE YOU A MORE “SUPERIOR” PERSON? I THINK NOT.

And so, even though I feel a bit shame-y about it still, I’m showing up with my big mouth, my raw writing, sometimes outrageous thoughts, and (hopefully hilarious at times) commentary on this thing we call life. Because I know showing up authentically is the only way to live a life with your soul not screaming bloody murder every second. ❤️‍🔥

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TL;DR

Shame Sandwich is a mix of hilarious personal essays, thoughts, and dear-diary-esque rants, etc. Sometimes on shame, sometimes shame infused, and other times, nothing to do with shame. Hopefully my words will make you laugh, make you think, and also… inspire you to be your own version of the most authentic version of yourself. <3

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HOLY NOT FAKE TITS I FINALLY FINISHED THIS “WELCOME” EMAIL. 🙏

The inner bitch critic has been strong while writing this one. And… I’m nervous for you to be reading this.

→ Will you get me?

→ Will you think I’m annoying & desperate?

→ Will you actually want to read my newsletters now that you’re subscribed?

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I want to delete half of this email. Water it down. Soften it up.

But. CONSUMATE (← read: fuck) THAT. Here I am, in all my insecurities, sometimes shame-filled glory real-ness.

And you know what? It’s going to feel hella uncomfortable at times on this newsletter journey and I know I’ll want to quit, cower and morph into the biggest people pleaser you ever saw in your entire life all in the name of “feeling safe and liked”.

But I’m here to say fuck it with two perfectly un-manicured middle fingers and a wicked wink.

Being myself might be scary…but not being myself is truly terrifying.

So I journey on, re-framing fear into courage, failure into insight, and shame sammies into poo-poo (← where ELSE could I go with that one 😂 i am also 12, sorry) practicing living my best life one day at a time. 💕

[insert the muuuuuushy closing bits of my welcome email that I will spare you from 😂]

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAND, ^that’s my new welcome email!!!!!

I hope you like it!!! And, have the best Friday ever.

-M

p.s. - I hope this email inspires you to be more of yourself, even when it makes you uncomfortable… especially when it makes you uncomfortable. Here’s to living life in the truest expression of ourselves. 💛

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Hi, hello! You just read Shame Sandwich where I, Megan, share some shit with you in the only way I know how: blasphemously.

If you hate my writing please leave me a middle finger review and let me know. Exclamations are greatly appreciated. Emoji’s as well.

Or, if you didn’t hate my writing, a lil heart, comment or share would really make my tits tingle.

Alternatively, if you love my writing and want to show your support, you can buy me some coffee popcorn. I love popcorn. But please know, I will still love you just the same even if you never buy me some popcorn, okay? 🫶