F*ck, Fear & Failure
The 3 F-words that Dominate my Life
You’re reading Swearing Life Lessons which comes out on Wednesdays. Fuck.
The urge to BOLT is strong right now. Is this how a stripper feels when Frank the Tank requests a private dance???
Meaning…I DON’T WANT TO WRITE RIGHT NOW. Cue the gobs of shame and grief and shame. ← proper shame sandwich right there. Might be my kink, jk it’s way more fucked up than that. jk, again.
I’m antsy and squirmy and want to riggle and slip away from this burden of writing.
WHICH IS REDICULOUS. Because I also love writing. And I also was the one who came up with the GRAND idea of writing 3x weekly for the month of June whilst making my inaugural Substack debut. And since it’s Wednesday, here I am, doing the damn thing I said I would do. 😵💫
Truth be told, my favorite and best writing is when it simply POURS out of me. I rarely know what I’m going to write before I write (outlines? what outlines?), except for the tiniest bit of direction which comes from the title.
Case in point, I was journaling this morning (more like bitching about the fact that I didn’t know what to write about for today’s newsletter) and then BAM!!! → my mind sparked and was like, yo bitch, here’s an idea: “Fuck, Fear & Failure: the 3 F-words that Dominate my Life”.
And then I was all like YES, YES, YES!!!!!! Thank you, mind, for coming through. 🙏
Now here’s where shit gets a little titty twisty for me…
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…
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WHY DO I LOVE WRITING AND YET NOT WANT TO WRITE RIGHT NOW?????
*ahem*
I present to you… Fuck, Fear & Failure: the 3 F-words that Dominate my Life. 😂
You see, the ONLY reason I “don’t want to write right now” is because of FEAR & FAILURE. (I’ll get to the other F-word later, don’t you worry. 😂)
First up, Fear.
→ Fear makes me hesitate… “what if I will regret posting this? what if I should think this through further and not make myself look stupid online?”
→ Fear makes me want to reject who I am… “no no no, I can’t possibly show up as all of me, unsafe unsafe unsafe!!!”
→ Fear makes me scared… “what if people think I’m a stupid bitch with rocks swear words for brains and nothing more?!”
And then, Failure.
→ The thought of Failure makes me want to hide... “safety first, SAFETY FIRST!!!!!!!!!”
→ The thought of Failure makes me want to cringe with shame… “is there anything more humiliating than putting yourself out there and then… crickets?!?!”
→ The thought of Failure makes me want give up… “welp, that’s it, I will NEVER be successful and should quit before I humiliate myself further”
…
When I tell you these 2* words dominate my life… THEY DOMINATE MY LIFE. 😭
…
And I wish I could be all… “and here are the 17 steps to follow (← said in a robotic voice, with robot arm motions as well) that I’ve found to un-dominate my life with that you too can follow along with, too!”
But FUCK that!!!!!!!!
Sure, sometimes “17 steps to follow” are nice and all. But you know what?
DOUBLE PENETRATE FUCK THAT. (😂😂😂)
I’m feeling feisty today! ← oooh, another F word I love.
Here’s the deal. I’m a scared ass bitch who’s very afraid of fucking up publically or letting my emotions be seen by someone other than my blue eyes staring back at me in the mirror (which, even then can feel terribly awful), or god-forbid, flopping publically for all to see. There is truly only so much shame one soul can take, do you feel me?
AND YET…
I can still show up anyway. In all my fucking-fear-failure-glory.
I can be scared shitless and still hit publish.
I can be terrified of failure and come out the other side stronger.
AND NOW I FEEL A STRONG URGE TO SAY GOOD GOD THIS IS SOME FIRST-*WORLD SHIT* I’M SPEWING. SHAME, SHAME SHAME. PATHETIC, GROSS, EW, FLACCID.
ACCEPTING MYSELF AS, I AM IS A PROCESS, LOVING MYSELF, AS I AM IS A PROCESS, AND IT’S OK TO FEEL SQUIRMY ABOUT THE PROCESS.
OK MOVING ON.
And… we’ll never actually kick the Fear-Failure due’s ass until we learn to CO-CREATE with it.
Not to be confused with being stuck under its thumb forever more.
→ I DO seek to be free from fear and failure’s grip on me.
→ I DO pray to be un-dominated by the effects of fear and failure on my life.
→ I DO yearn for a life where I do and act and create from pure joy and peace without the influence of fear and failure biting at my ankles relentlessly.
But you know what?
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE THE CONNUISSEUR TO BE A CREATOR.
You can create now, in all your “fear” and “failings”.
Because at the end of the day?
It’s OKAY to be afraid. And it’s FINE to fail.
Read ^that again.
It might make you squirmy. It might make you sweary. It might make you hella uncomfortable. But if you have something you’re desperate to write or create or do or see…
FUCKING DO THE DAMN THING!!!
You’ll never regret going for what your soul is begging you to do.
It might be a bumpy journey. It might take the scenic route. It might lead to new paths. But goddammit, you’ll feel fulfilled.
And instead of feeling dominated by the F-words, you’ll feel empowered by the F-words.
Feel the fear? DOING IT ANYWAY.
What if I fail? NO SUCH THING.
So… here’s to living THAT kind of life. <3
-M
*FUUUUUUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCKITY-FUCK. FUCK!!!!!!!! :) Hehe, I told you that F-word dominates my life, but only because I let it. ;)
P.S. GUESS WHAT? This newsletter spilled out of me easier than a raspberry smoothing spilling out of a tipped-over cup once I committed to dealing with the fear and and doing it anyway along with a wholesome side hug to the thought of failure.
As soon as I acknowledged why I was resisting writing, and didn’t filter what wanted to come out of me, viola! The words came pouring out. So, Fuck yeah. If I can be a scared lil bitch and do it anyways… so can you. 🙏
Hi, hello! You just read Sweary Life Lessons were I, Megan, try and impart deep or not so deep life lesson(s) to you in the only way I know how: blasphemously. To be clear, any “life lessons” I pontificate on, are very much things I need to learn myself.
And here’s even more detail you didn’t ask for.
I have challenged myself to write 3x weekly during the month of June as a way to normalize failure to myself, and well, others!
You see, fear of failure normally paralyzes me from the brain down and I never publish anything that I truly love or brings me joy. So for the entire month of June, I’m free-ing myself to write whatever the hell I want, and if it “fails” who the flip-flop cares!! It is an experiment.
So, if you want to give me feedback on this lil experiment of mine, I would be ever so grateful. Drop a comment and let me know if you like this kind of newsletter. Comments such as “it was more boring than Hillary’s ass” or “I feel alseep with my eyes open” are perfectly acceptable forms of feedback. I welcome it all.
Shank you for reading.
Megan, I absolutely love your frenetic style of writing!! So good.😄
You did it!