I'm not here for the right reasons.

You’re reading The Confession which comes out on Fridays. Proceed with due caution.

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I’m not here for the right reasons. 🫠

squirm, fidget, self-loath, hold breath, red cheeks

…

When I’m completely honest with myself, looking in the ‘ol looking-glass with ornately carved gold borders…

I KNOW I AM NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

And now you have two piping hot questions:

What is ‘here’ and what are the ‘right’ reasons?

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Here is in reference to this newsletter (that I just started last week).

And the right reasons?

Well… the right reasons would be to be here with pure intent, writing for the love of writing, writing what lights me up, and most definitely NOT here for the likes, the shares, the comments, the subscriber count.

I feel like am the opposite of all ^that.

FUCK A LIMP DICK WITH COCONUT OIL THAT FACT RILES ME UP!!!!!!

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…

…

Sure, I do love writing. In fact, it’s been the one constant thread throughout my life that’s kept me (debatably) sane.

But I’m not here only because I love writing.

shudders, deep breath

I’m here because I want the likes and comments and subscribes. And to somehow figure out how the fuck to monetize my love of writing and make enough money to leave my hell hole* of a company.

That’s it, that’s why I’m here, writing this newsletter.

…

EXCEPT.

It’s not that black and white, is it?

The fucked up part of my mind would love for me to cower in shame at the fact that I’m just here for “validation” and to “try and make money”.

But that’s not the whole truth.

There’s a crucial and that I’ve left out of the equation:

AND - IT’S NOT WRONG TO HOPE PEOPLE CONNECT WITH YOUR WRITING, AND TO MAKE MONEY DOING SOMETHING YOU LOVE!!!

How fucked up is that notion that I carry? 😂

The only thing that’s fucked up is trying to be something you’re *not* in order to connect with people and make money.

Which is something I struggle with.

It’s way too easy for me to water down my words and censor the fuck out of myself to “not offend anyone” or make myself “likable” to “all”.

Disgusting.

*wipes vomit off lower left lip*

And, in a weird way, “admitting” I am “here for the wrong reasons” is actually… me writing for all of the right reasons.

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It feels SO BLOODY GOOD to confess these thoughts that before, I would only ever let fester in a shame swamp inside of me.

(I feel like I am the perfect poster child for catholicism 😂😂 I am not catholic, nor religious in that way, either lol)

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I don’t want to give a flying KITE about how many subscribers I have. Or how many likes I get. Or how many comments were written.

But I do.

I do give a flying 🪁 about how many subscribers I have. Or how many likes I get. Or how many comments were written.

*shame shame shame*

But a funny thing happens when I admit that “out loud” to you.

The shame that holds over me suddenly feels a little bit lighter. It’s not quite as heavy.

…

I’ve always felt there was this unshakable rule that I must NEVER write anything unless it serves a purpose:

1. Boost the brand

2. Promote an offer

This email? It does neither.

Well, I suppose it might “boost the brand” but… that’s not the point of this email.

THAT’S NOT THE POINT OF THIS EMAIL!!!

*insert cartwheels of joy followed by small twerking followed by doing non-snow angels on the hardwood floor followed by staring in the mirror open-mouthed followed by delirious laughter*

I am finally applying a lesson that I’ve known all along…

THE REAL JOY IS PUTTING OUT ART THAT *YOU* LOVE. Because only then can you authentically connect with others. And only then, does it STOP becoming about the likes. the subscribes. the shares. the comments.

I could cry right now.

Of course, there is still that part of me that is struggling with wondering how many likes this will get. Or comments. Or subscribes. And how I can turn this newsletter into an income-generating stream that will allow me to fulfill my wanderslut desires.

And also - I really loved writing this.

I REALLY LOVED WRITING THIS. FOR THE JOY OF SHARING MY THOUGHTS.

Fuck this is cool.

And so.

With that being said… I have an announcement to make:

I’M MOVING TO IRELAND

(Jesus fuck I wish! 😂)

I’M STARTING A 4-WEEK CHALLENGE FOR MYSELF!

For the next 4-weeks, I have challenged myself to publish only the shit that I LOVE.

NOT content that I think I need to write that will serve an “agenda”.

Yes, I hope that it will connect with people… But this is about me having fucking FUN with my writing, for the joy it brings me.

AND I’M SO EXCITED!!!!!

And scared. 😂

Because I can already feel the bitch voice whispering:

“you can’t write that, people will hate it, this will utterly fail”.

WELL GO TRIP ON A PRICKLY CACTUS DILDO, KAREN!!!!!! ← ME, TO MY INNER BITCH WE CALL KAREN.

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Anywho. Here’s what I’m going to be writing about!

Mondays Newsletter: “Live Blog” my 9 - 5.

As in, I’m going to narrate my way through my soul-sucking job*/day, jotting down observations and thoughts as the day goes on. (I’m going to give everyone in my company animal code names. I can’t wait.) Then, when the work day is done, I shall hit “publish” and you’ll see my day’s shenanigans as fresh as a hand-picked strawberry on a sunshine-filled day. 🍓

Wednesday Newsletter: Lesson (or, sweary life philosophy?).

Confession. 🤭 I like to pontificate on things that I very much need to be smacked over the side of the head with. Lessons like: “there’s no so such thing as failure”, or “doing it for the likes is putting you in emotional debt” and “it’s ok to not follow the rules because spoiler alert there are no rules”.

Friday Newsletter: Confession.

Imma keep the confession train chugging along! It feels good to confess shit. 😂 It’s like I avoid vulnerability like the plague and then suddenly word vomit like I’ve got food poisoning. The therapist I don’t have would probably say that’s not healthy.

YOU CANNOT SEND PEOPLE 3 EMAILS A WEEK WTF ARE YOU THINKING?!?! CALM DOWN KAREN THIS IS AN EXPERIMENT, GODDAMNIT

Since I’ve already monopolized your inbox today, I’ll impatiently wait until Wednesday to pop back in.

Ok. I can’t wait to see what comes of this experiment!

(Btw, calling this an “experiment” feels wayyyyyyyy better than calling it a “project” or a “plan” or a “goal”. Because if an experiment falls flatter than my chest? It was still a success! Because in an experiment, all outcomes are good information.

So, here’s to experimenting!

-M

*In all fairness, it’s a good-ish company. It’s just not what lights me up. Which in turn makes my soul feel drier than the Sahara desert when my canteen is bone dry.