I did not feel that I was truly a primary care doctor until I had a patient arrive with "stinky, brown spotting; I've never had this before." Yes, a two-week-old tampon was fished out. I think she would have preferred that I fish out a condom, but I'm not sure.
OMG!!!! This is the precise fear that made me switch from Tampons to Flex disksā¦ I have second hand horror right now š To be clear, Iāve only ever lost a condom up my cooch, no tampons lol. Was she totally fine???? No lingering tampon tampering effects, I hope? š
Honestly, it is super common. I donāt take care of many young folks, and that doesnāt happen to a lot of 65+ers. I was feeling like I might not really be a doctor since I hadnāt had that particular experience yet. So, really, I was grateful.
Well, damn. That is just an awesome fucking tale. Honestly, I can think of far worse ways to spend time than digging around (so to speak) for hidden treasure. (National Treasure indeed.)
I'm guessing you could write a riveting sequel to the Condom Cootchie Chronicles about the ads that will be infecting your laptop after your rather specific Google search. I can't wait for that one to drop. (No pun intended - mostly.)
ššš Condom Coochie Chronicles simply must be a thing now!!!! And, yikes, I didnāt even think about the internet ad retargeting lists I must now be on nowā¦ š I canāt wait for the ads like: āCondom Stuck Up Your Coochie? Fear no moreā¦ hereās some Dick Duck Tape!ā Ok Iām stopping now ššš
ā¦Thank you. Iām really glad you enjoyed this one!! š
I feel a Netflix series coming, "Condom Cootchie Chronicles." Well, maybe Cinemax. Either way - get yourself a writing and producing credit and - winning!
ššš thank you so much!!!! š¤ Btw your name Sammy makes me happy! What a delightful name! Did I just make it weird? Please forgive me if I did. Might not yet have recovered from condom coochie gate š
OMG I knew I liked you!!!! šš Itās so funny because I was recently thinking about how I was missing Postcards from America comments. WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID? I thought. šā„ļø Glad to know I didnāt scare you away completely!!! hahahah.
my first husband's mom's cousin (seriously, that's who she was...I'm not making that up) was one of the first female gynecologists in the state of MN. Every single time I saw her she told stories of various things she fished out of š(v)š and other (o). the most gruesome (shared during a nice dinner meal that wasn't so nice anymore) being a lightbulb that broke.
girlfriend, your detailed description of your condom hunt had me scrolling and scrolling just so I could make sure it was found and you were okay, and because the storytelling was so good.
Omg WHYYYYY did I decide to read this beautiful work of art on a TRAIN in public lol I canāt stop laughing. Thank you for making my day. (And I almost shared a kinda similar but not quite similar story with you, but I cannot in public, I cannot. Maybe I will DM you š)
ššš now I am laughing!!! Iām so glad you loved it!!! And you know I wanna hear this story!!! š I shall be checking my DMās! šā„ļøā„ļø
Love it! I had a similar experience once with an ex partner and ex job LoL glad you recovered the ark wrapper! Funny ass hell keep up the good work! Jobs can be replaced without the anal reaming just saying š
I had to stop halfway through because I was laughing too hard to keep reading. Something about the mix of panic and deadpan honesty reminded me of the time I spent ten minutes looking for my phone before realizing it was inside my pillowcase for reasons I still cannot explain. Different stakes, same bewildered āhow did we get hereā energy.
What I love is how you let the humor sit right next to the deeper stuff without trying to tidy it up. That shift from coochie chaos to the weight of a job that does not feel right landed in a very familiar place for me. It is wild how the body holds one kind of absurd tension and the soul holds another, and sometimes they flare up on the same calendar week like they coordinated a surprise party.
ššš Iām now laughing again too!!! Hahaha Iām so glad this brought you joy!!! And omg phone hiding in pillowcase?!?! That is totally panic inducing confusing lmao
Soooo wild how āboth things can be true at once energyā, and Iām so glad I let em both be there. ā„ļø Hereās to not tidying up the real!!!
First my name is also Megan, so shout out fellow Megan. Second š³omg that situation would have had me in a tizzy for real. I have two kids already, and DO NOT want anymore. Glad it all ācame outā for you in the end. šš
Just this morning I was in the medicine cabinet wondering why a particular pill bottle on a high up shelf was sitting at an angle. Turns out it was on top of a pair of unused condoms which had expired a decade ago, looking exactly like youād expect condoms that had stopped being useful that long ago to look in their see through wrappers. Tossed āem, good riddance.
Only you Megan... would be so honest to admit this embarrassing situation. With humor and tactless-ness as fitting your witty writerly ways.
You actually made me lol.... thanks, needed that today.
Hugs Di
šā„ļøš thank you so much Di!!!! Iām grinning greatly right now, so glad this brought you joy! š„° Big hugs to you!!!
I did not feel that I was truly a primary care doctor until I had a patient arrive with "stinky, brown spotting; I've never had this before." Yes, a two-week-old tampon was fished out. I think she would have preferred that I fish out a condom, but I'm not sure.
OMG!!!! This is the precise fear that made me switch from Tampons to Flex disksā¦ I have second hand horror right now š To be clear, Iāve only ever lost a condom up my cooch, no tampons lol. Was she totally fine???? No lingering tampon tampering effects, I hope? š
Totally fine.
Honestly, it is super common. I donāt take care of many young folks, and that doesnāt happen to a lot of 65+ers. I was feeling like I might not really be a doctor since I hadnāt had that particular experience yet. So, really, I was grateful.
I hope the job thing gets sorted in a way that is better than your wildest dreams.
You should have been able to charge extra for that service:)
All the lols. Reddit is such an important research tool is the advice I'm taking from this. Happy weekend
Hahaha YES!!!! Reddit is the real MVP here lol š
Well, damn. That is just an awesome fucking tale. Honestly, I can think of far worse ways to spend time than digging around (so to speak) for hidden treasure. (National Treasure indeed.)
I'm guessing you could write a riveting sequel to the Condom Cootchie Chronicles about the ads that will be infecting your laptop after your rather specific Google search. I can't wait for that one to drop. (No pun intended - mostly.)
ššš Condom Coochie Chronicles simply must be a thing now!!!! And, yikes, I didnāt even think about the internet ad retargeting lists I must now be on nowā¦ š I canāt wait for the ads like: āCondom Stuck Up Your Coochie? Fear no moreā¦ hereās some Dick Duck Tape!ā Ok Iām stopping now ššš
ā¦Thank you. Iām really glad you enjoyed this one!! š
I feel a Netflix series coming, "Condom Cootchie Chronicles." Well, maybe Cinemax. Either way - get yourself a writing and producing credit and - winning!
I mean, this is a phenomenal idea. Watch out world, 2026 is gonna have a banging bingable new show out!!!
OH MY CHRIST!
I can't cope with this post - you legend!
ššš thank you so much!!!! š¤ Btw your name Sammy makes me happy! What a delightful name! Did I just make it weird? Please forgive me if I did. Might not yet have recovered from condom coochie gate š
I just laughed out loud. It's me - hi - āPostcards from America ā! I changed my newsletter to this and now write under my cool AF name wahaaa
I'm glad you appreciate it you utter LOON JOB ā¤ļøššš
OMG I knew I liked you!!!! šš Itās so funny because I was recently thinking about how I was missing Postcards from America comments. WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID? I thought. šā„ļø Glad to know I didnāt scare you away completely!!! hahahah.
I FRIGGING LOVE YOU!
my first husband's mom's cousin (seriously, that's who she was...I'm not making that up) was one of the first female gynecologists in the state of MN. Every single time I saw her she told stories of various things she fished out of š(v)š and other (o). the most gruesome (shared during a nice dinner meal that wasn't so nice anymore) being a lightbulb that broke.
girlfriend, your detailed description of your condom hunt had me scrolling and scrolling just so I could make sure it was found and you were okay, and because the storytelling was so good.
love you.
OMG!!! This was delightfully fun to read š¤£ AND A LIGHTBULB THAT BROKE?! š± holy helllll that is terrifying lol.
And, Iām so glad you enjoyed this!!! I love you too! ā„ļøā„ļøā„ļø
Omg WHYYYYY did I decide to read this beautiful work of art on a TRAIN in public lol I canāt stop laughing. Thank you for making my day. (And I almost shared a kinda similar but not quite similar story with you, but I cannot in public, I cannot. Maybe I will DM you š)
ššš now I am laughing!!! Iām so glad you loved it!!! And you know I wanna hear this story!!! š I shall be checking my DMās! šā„ļøā„ļø
Imagine if all women felt as free as you to tell their talesā¦ we might run the world!
šššš I concur!!! Thank you for reading! š
Love it! I had a similar experience once with an ex partner and ex job LoL glad you recovered the ark wrapper! Funny ass hell keep up the good work! Jobs can be replaced without the anal reaming just saying š
Haha yay 2 for 2!!! š Thank you, so glad you enjoyed! Andā¦ yes I need to remember that about the job replacement experience. šš
Sneaky shlong wrapper. You have won Substack! š¤£
šššš thank you so much hahaha
I am obsessed with your authenticity! You make me braver! š¤
Thank you Amber!!! That makes me so happy to hear š„¹ā„ļøš
Good lord, you are delightfully and uniquely unhinged (that's a compliment!) š
Thank you so much, I sincerely appreciate these high praise words!!! š„¹šā„ļøš
The vag emoji! Love you babes
šā„ļø love you too babes!!!
I had to stop halfway through because I was laughing too hard to keep reading. Something about the mix of panic and deadpan honesty reminded me of the time I spent ten minutes looking for my phone before realizing it was inside my pillowcase for reasons I still cannot explain. Different stakes, same bewildered āhow did we get hereā energy.
What I love is how you let the humor sit right next to the deeper stuff without trying to tidy it up. That shift from coochie chaos to the weight of a job that does not feel right landed in a very familiar place for me. It is wild how the body holds one kind of absurd tension and the soul holds another, and sometimes they flare up on the same calendar week like they coordinated a surprise party.
ššš Iām now laughing again too!!! Hahaha Iām so glad this brought you joy!!! And omg phone hiding in pillowcase?!?! That is totally panic inducing confusing lmao
Soooo wild how āboth things can be true at once energyā, and Iām so glad I let em both be there. ā„ļø Hereās to not tidying up the real!!!
First my name is also Megan, so shout out fellow Megan. Second š³omg that situation would have had me in a tizzy for real. I have two kids already, and DO NOT want anymore. Glad it all ācame outā for you in the end. šš
Fellow Megan!!! š Omg yeahhhh not trying to pop out a baby so Iām also very glad everything came out in the end too ššš
I have never felt surer about my decision to get the snip years ago than just now after reading that.
This made me LOL, thank you Sam!!! šš
Just this morning I was in the medicine cabinet wondering why a particular pill bottle on a high up shelf was sitting at an angle. Turns out it was on top of a pair of unused condoms which had expired a decade ago, looking exactly like youād expect condoms that had stopped being useful that long ago to look in their see through wrappers. Tossed āem, good riddance.
Thatās hilarious. RIP confirms! ššš