Cauliflower Woes, Terrible Rom-Coms & Casserole Insecurities 🥲

The Lite Shame Sandwich :: No. 003

Welcome to the Lite Shame Sandwich, where Megan feels equal parts shame and glee in sharing a weekly newsletter on Tuesdays that serves no purpose except to brighten your day by brightening Megan’s ego. ← for shame.

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Tuesday, July 23rd

As I’m writing this it’s 5:03pm on Monday evening, I was supposed to start making dinner precisely 3 minutes ago because I SWORE to myself I would be a good little domestic hoe and do some hoe ass shit in the kitchen at a respectable time but JOKES ON ME I am not a good little domestic hoe.

I’m also battling a blood-letting period headache inching dangerously close to migraine territory which makes me want to be WAITED upon, not be a DOMESTIC HOE in the kitchen, thank you very much.

Especially when I have to cut up cauliflower. Here are 7 reasons why I hate cutting up cauliflower, in no particular order.

1. IT’S CRUMBLY AF. AND MAKES TINY BABY CAULIFLOWER MESSES ALL OVER MY KITCHEN. SORRY, BRENDA-CAULIFLOWER (YES WE NAMED IT) I DON’T WANT YOU BREEDING ALL OVER MY KITCHEN DROPPING BABIES!!!!

2. It smells weird.

3. There’s precisely WAY TOO MANY steps involved in preparation. You have to wash it. You have to cut off its green-stem-cape-thingy. You have to watch out for brown spots and cut those off. You then have to chop the monster down into smaller monsters. You then have to cut off the stems.

4. YOU HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE TINY BABY CAULIFLOWER MESSES.

5. It’s wasteful. Who thought cauliflower was a good investment when you have to THROW AWAY *AT LEAST* 1/3 OF THE BITCH??? Green-stem-cape-thingy? Trash bin. Brown bits that try to fuck up the top? Garbage. All the stems? All waste!

6. You have to make multiple trips to the garbage can for ^said reasons above. Fuck that.

7. AND THEN ONCE YOU’RE DONE CUTTING IT UP, YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY PREPARE THE BITCH INTO SOME RECIPE!!!!!

Does this period headache make me sound uber (← WHO AM I 🤣) bitchy and first-worldy? 😂😂😂

To compensate and show you I’m a well-grounded individual, here are 3 things I’m grateful for right now.

1. I didn’t fire my job today.

2. I didn’t fire my child today.

3. Nobody fired me today.

And on THAT note, let’s kick off the Lite Shame Sandwich newsletter! 😄

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What I’m loving:

Authenticity. And seeing people laughing. And living their best lives no matter what people think of them. And the fantasy that someone else will step into my kitchen tonight and cut up the damn cauliflower. Preferably Jason Mamoa but I would also accept Sam Heughan.

What I’m Reading Online:

Your phone is why you don’t feel sexy by

Catherine Shannon

. This is a MARVELOUS read. One that I think not only you should read, but then share it with anyone you know who has two hands and a phone glued to them! Sometimes, when I’m feeling really good about myself, I fantasize about getting a dumb phone. That would be the ultimate # goal for me.

How to succeed on Substack by

Annie Ridout

. Smart, quick, empowering read. Love everything in here!!! THERE ARE NO RULES, BABY. 🤘Do your thing.

Am I boring? by

Molly Ella

You know when something feels like an exhale when you’re reading it??? This piece feels like that for me. 💛 (I squirm HARDCORE when someone asks me what my weekend plans are. I’M A FULL-TIME SINGLE MOM, TINA, WHAT DO YOU THINK MY SOCIAL LIFE LOOKS LIKE???? And even when my daughter is at her grandparent’s for a sleepover, chances are I’m relishing my seldom kid-free time, enjoying my own company so fuck off my tits! ← me to my imaginary adversaries. i feel this reflects poorly on me)

What I’m Audio-Booking:

CHRISTS UNCLE (← woah can you imagine how weird it must have been to be related to bible-jesus??? Like, if you ever coveted a neighbor’s ass you must be feeling really shitty about yourself at family dinners #awk) I WANT TO JOIN A CIRCLE OF TRUST STAT!!!!! I’m only halfway through listening to this but I’m a BELIEVER hook line and sinker. If you have no idea what circle of trust means… basically it’s a safe space where people come together and talk about their struggles and thoughts and emotions BUT NOBODY TRIES TO CHANGE YOU OR TELL YOU WHAT TO DO, AND INSTEAD OFFERS A SAFE PLACE FOR YOU TO BE SEEN AND HEARD, AND LET YOUR HIGHER SELF, YOUR SOUL, GUIDE YOU TO YOUR OWN TRUTH. How beautiful is that??? ← also, I hope I didn’t misrepresent what I think circle of trust groups are, only being half way through the book. 😂

What I’m Kindling:

I just finished Growing Wild in the Shade by Jean Grainger, book 2 of the Mags Munroe series. The 1st book was definitely better, I’d give this one a 6.5 or 7 out of 10. Not sure if I want to read the next book in the series or not. I HATE leaving things unread if I’ve started a series, sooooo, idk! I will have to make a decision TONIGHT! Eeeeek!!

What I’m Watching:

SO MUCH TO UPDATE HERE.

First. Y’all. I finished The Crown. 🥹 SO extremely bittersweet. This show was a SOLID 10/10! Aaaaand now I am going to spend a good 17.52 hours googling all the real-life figures and events of the British royal family and see just how closely the show mirrored the historical facts. I nerd out on this historical history shit. 🤓

Second. I had a work trip last week, and as I was flying home, I popped on the movie Anyone But You. Spoiler alert. It sucked hemorrhoid ass. Well, at least for the first 20 or so minutes it did. It was so bad I turned it off. Which, is RAAARE for me to do. Normally, it would KILL me to quit part way through, even if it is horrible, and not see how it ends. I’m just so goddamn curious! But… I’m working on letting go of shit that I don’t love, to make space for what I do love. 🥹 AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE ALSO CURIOUS, HERE’S WHY IT SUCKED HEMORRHOID ASS:

1. The main characters looked like they could be bro and sis. SORRY BUT I LIKE MY ROM-COMS WITHOUT THE INCEST.

2. I knowwwww this is a silly rom-com but I like my rom-coms to be SOMEWHAT (read: very) believable. That plotline was weaker than watered-down lemonade in 97-degree sunshine.

(And now I feel very ashamed for having such a strong opinion. Normally I would never offer up such a strong opinion. What if people really LIKED that movie and think something is wrong with me for not liking it??? Or are offended that I didn’t like it??? Which is so silly, you know? 😂 The beauty about life is that we’re NOT all carbon copies of each other, and therefore are going to have our own unique viewpoints and experiences… WHICH IS WONDERFUL, NOT SHAMEFUL. ← me to me.)

Third. Since ^that movie was so the opposite of entertaining, I decided to spend the rest of my time in the air watching the hilarious Talladega Nights instead.

One of my fav lines to quote 😂

I fucking LOVE Will Feral. 😂😂 I had not seen that movie in YEARS and 100% was cracking up while watching hahahah.

What I’m eating:

This goddamn cauliflower casserole. 😭😂 And guess what? This might sound pathetic but I am very embarrassed ashamed that it is what I made for dinner. WHAT LOSER MAKES CAULIFLOWER CASSEROLE FOR DINNER?!?! I can practically feel Gordon Ramsay’s withering scorn all the way from Hell’s Kitchen. → “A Casserole? Really??? 2-year-old shit!!!”

I’ve got this massive ridiculous fear that if guys find out I’m not a gourmet 5-star chef they will kick my ass to the curb IN FAVOR OF A REAL DOMESTICATED HOE*.

How ridiculous is that?????

And yet… part of me actually is really insecure about not being a 5-star chef.

I have a very strong urge to defend myself right now and be all like I can COOK!! YOU SHOULD SEE MY RECIPE PINTEREST BOARD!!

Except… most of my said recipes involve “casseroles” and “simple!” or “easy!” and nothing that makes me a worthy cook. And that brings on the massive shame sammies. ← now that’s one thing I have no problem whipping up gourmet style. 😂😂😂

GAAAAAAAAASP. I can’t believe I just admitted this insecurity out loud. Y’all. I am processing some deep-rooted shit in real time.

*To be clear I want to remain feral forever. Maybe a little domestication is fine. But I will never ever be the hostess with the most-est. ← new fear un-locked, jesus that sounds awful.

What I’m Thinking:

Remember last week when I told you about the Great Glass Breaking of July 2024 and I was wondering what the hell it could mean, and praying it was a good sign?????

I’ve got an update! 😂

So. The Great Glass Breaking happened on Monday last week. And the very next day I had to go to the airport for a work trip. (Not going to lie a little part of my brain was like MOTHERFUCK ME IS MY PLANE GOING TO GO DOWN???? Should I not go on my work trip???? 😳 ← but I decided I was too cocky to die and forged ahead).

AND THEN, after I got to the airport, I got a 2-hour delayed flight. And wouldn’t you know, whilst waiting, Mr. Brad Fucking Pitt’s semi-look-alike-but-not-identical-twin-brother came waltzing along and plopped down next to me.

To which I promptly ignored him. 😂

(In my defense, I had not yet laid EYES on him at this point hahaha.)

Anywho, he found a way to interrupt my serious ignoring mode and we got to chatting. And chatting, and chatting.

In fact, he sat directly behind my seat on the plane and we yell-talked to each other for precisely the entire flight. 🙈😂 The people around us probably plotted 52 gruesome ways to murder us by the time we landed but hey, the glass gods had spoken and my fate was set. 🤷‍♀️

So, here’s my thoughts on the matter:

1. Definitely good luck from the Great Glass Breaking! I mean come ON, how fun of a story is that??? Do I think I will ever see this man again? Probably not! I mean, he is single and we both live in the same state (not locally though) and we did exchange numbers… but even so, I don’t think things will progress into anything else (← can you image if it did? Now THAT’S the kind of rom-com I want to see hahaha). But the experience was so fun all the same!

2. Meeting brad pitt lite sexy airport man was a totally unexpected experience and I LOVE it because I’m usually so stressed about “how” things are going to happen. HOW will I earn more money. HOW will I travel the world. HOW will I be my own boss. Etc. Etc. Etc. And this airport encounter reminded me that unexpected things can just… fall into my lap. Without me doing a damn thing to make them happen. And I’m so thankful for the lovely reminder that I don’t have to know the HOW… I just have to be open to them happening. <3 (Thank you glass gods and airport man!)

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Aaaaaaaaand, that’s a wrap!!!

I hope you enjoyed. 😄

-M

p.s. - have you seen Anyone But You and have a different assessment of it?????

p.p.s - I cut myself off writing (finished writing this in the evening) and began cutting the damn cauliflower at 5:30pm lol

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Hi, hello! You just read Lite Shame Sandwich where I, Megan, share some shit with you in the only way I know how: blasphemously.

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