Welcome to Shame Sandwich, where Megan feels equal parts shame and glee in sharing hilarious personal essays, thoughts, and dear-diary-esque rants every Friday. Sometimes on shame, sometimes shame infused, and other times, nothing to do with shame. Enjoy responsibly.
Warning:
I’m about to raw dog the fucking shit out of this newsletter. Glances at condom, shreds it, and THRUUUUUUUUSTS. 😈 ← that’s actually disturbing pls don’t do that.
wtf is wrong with me? 😂😂 I’m currently sitting on my bedroom floor typing away because bad posture is my kink (jk no it’s I not a need a double strikethrough, christ) and dying of laughter at the same time while approximately 52% of me is screaming at me to delete the above exchange but you know what I’m going to say don’t you? FUUUUCK IT.
Shit. I know I should move on but I cannot let that raw dog comment go. I’ve never uttered that word before in my LIFE and now I can’t stop saying writing it. RAW DOG RAW DOG RAW DOG RAW DOG. RAW DOG RAW DOG. RAWWWWWWW DAWG. RAW DOG!!!!!!!!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
literally what is wrong with me if I have any subscribers left twill be a miracle and I also cannot stop laughing about the insane nature of this newsletter intro
Wow, I am feeling ALIVE and it feels good. This. Right now. Is me. Feeling good. Great. Fantastic. I have insane amounts of NON-WHOLSOME HILARIOUS energy flowing through me right now. I am buzzing with life. 🐝 and to be very clear no I do not have any substances buzzing in me, this is just me in my very natural state lol
And that also terrifies me… Me, showing up in my natural state?!?!?
And then I get in my head.
And worry about what people must THINK of me.
And next thing I know… I’ve cockblocked my raw dogging.
😭😂😭😂😭😂😭😂
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To be completely honest, I am bursting to just keep saying the most RAUNCHY HILARIOUS raw dog-esque shit today. I’ve got blue-balled-thoughts and they’re ready to be drained, baby.
SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^That is exactly the kind of shit I’m talking about. 🙈😂 The shit that flies forth from my fingers faster than a hawk flies to snatch up an unsuspecting baby rabbit is insane. and hilarious. and RIP to the baby rabbit.
But here’s the problem…
I am still hella self-conscious about being myself and letting that shit fly, uninhibited.
FUCK A FLYING BURRITO WITH BLACK BEANS AND CHEDDAR CHEESE THAT IS MORE AGGRAVATING THAN A HOOKER WITH CHLAMYDIA.
Again. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. 😂
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You, right now, are witnessing the raw don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it dog me.
This is me. In all my un-filtered glory.
Now, I’m always buzzing with energy but the reason it’s this extra raw dog energy and bursting to say the most unfiltered shit is because, well… as you know I was in Ireland last week and:
I fucking raw dogged the hell out of my Ireland trip and it was some of the best 6 days of my LIFE. 🥹
IMPORTANT!!! → I don’t mean I literally raw dogged 😂 Figuratively speaking only. 😂
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I had the absolute BEST TIME!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭 It was honestly so amazing I cannot even talk write about it yet because that will mean that it’s truly over and I just want to bask in the glow of how much fun I had. Excuse me while I sob happy tears.
So until I’m ready to properly write about my Irish road trip, I will say this:
I showed up 100% as my true self and it was amazing.
Pls excuse me while I sob happy tears, again.
In my “real life”, I’m desperate to continue playing the role people know me in. Rock the boat?! Never. THAT WOULD BE MORE MURDEROUS THAN THE TITANIC SINKING CIRCA 1912.
→ My family only sees parts of me. But never my wildest, most sweary or vulnerable self. Never the vulnerable self.
→ My work colleagues only see the more reserved, buttoned-up parts of me. They would die immediately if they knew how utterly vibrant and hilarious and sweary I was.
→ My friends and acquaintances see me in various stages of me-ness… but rarely if ever the true depth of who I am.
The only place I’m truly closest to my true self is here, in my newsletter, expressing my thoughts to you.
And then there was my Ireland trip.
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Y’all. I was glowing with me-ness. All of me-ness. Un-filtered me-ness. Sure, the pints of Guinness helped. And of course, everything feels easier when you’re away from “real life” while on holiday. But… this trip was magical. I hadn’t felt this free since the last time I went to Ireland, tbh. 😭🥹🙏
Which brings us full circle to this newsletter and my raw dogging antics. 😂
You see, I’m still very much glowing and buzzing from my trip. And I just want to keep that pure, unfiltered energy going. No watering myself down. No fucks given. Just having the BEST time being myself, exactly as I am.
But now that I’m back from holiday, back to “real life”… the familiar fears creep in again. And my hilariously inappropriate self is at war with my scared-ass bitch ego.
It’s as though the stakes suddenly feel higher. ← OOOF YES that’s exactly what it feels like right now!!! Because I was so effortlessly me in Ireland, traveling solo, not trying to impress anyone or gain anyone's approval (which of course, in turn, attracted the most amazing people into my circle 😭🙏) I now feel “pressure” to keep being that same level of zero fucks given energy but now that I’m back in “real life”… I feel naked and exposed by being my zero fucks given self like I have a too-full-tampon-sticking-out-and-a-full-no-shave-situation going on and GOD people are staring and judging me and leaving me and omg the shame of it!!!!!!
Does that make any sense at all or have I lost you too????? 😂
What I’m TRYING to say is:
I have so much me-ness bursting to come forth, but once again I am afraid of the consequences of letting it come forth. 🥲
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Now— if you’ve been around me and my newsletter for longer than a two-pumps-and-done-Tom…. you know that me and my mouthy mouth and raunchy thoughts are nothing new. I’ve been certified sweary since day one, thank the lord. 🙏
But for some fucked up reason, I’m feeling all nervous again about REALLY being myself on here. It appears I’ve had a regression because Ireland was TOO good?! 😂
To me, there’s a massive difference between being sweary and being MEGAN SWEARY. As in holy-fuking-ballsacks-did-Megan-honestly-just-say-that sweary.
Like most of the shit that I’ve said thus far, in this newsletter. 🙈😂
I think it’s utterly hilarious and yet? I’m utterly terrified of being cast out of the herd, marched to the end of the cliff, and shoved off.
→ BYE, BITCH.
→ DIE, BITCH.
→ YER FILTHY WORDS ARE NOT WELCOME HERE, BITCH.
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And then I think: who the blue-ball-sacks am I actually afraid of?????????
Karens scorning me? Brads demeaning me? Random internet keyboard finger-ers yelling at me?
Seriously. I’m over here cock-blocking my raw-dogging over the possible negative OPINIONS of internet strangers?????
“FIRST OF ALL, HOLD MY BEER PINT. Who gives a flying donkey’s dick (😂😂) if people think you’re inappropriate or too sweary or sarcastic or offensive?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WHO.FUCKING.CARES. They’re simply people’s OPINIONS. Which are like assholes. Everybody has them. And sometimes they’re full of shit. 😂” ← ME TO ME.
Sigh.
The problem is that I DO fucking care. I do.
My greatest fantasy is not Jason Mamoa handcuffing me to his bed, NAY, it’s to not give a FLYING CHLAMYDIA-FILLED BURRITO WHAT people think of me. That’s it. That’s the fantasy. 🥵
(((for the record I have zero idea where this chlamydia shit is coming from 😂😂😂)))
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Jesus CHRIST that gets me all hot and bothered.
And it’s what I desire most in this world.
To simply be myself.
No excuses. No holding back. No apologizing for who I am.
But that’s the thing.
I feel like I have to apologize for the hilarious phrases and thoughts that come out of my mind.
I know I’ve written about this before and TRUST ME, I feel the shame oozing down my brain lobes at being here again, but I simply must be honest…
Can I ACTUALLY say all the things I want to say without cowering in shame for the rest of my days?
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“Yes. Of course you can. AND— it’s also OK for people not to like you. Sure, some people will think you’re an insensitive, vulgar wench of a human who should apologize immediately for all of the inappropriate things you say and then shower in cyanide. That’s ok. Wish them herpes well and move on.
Here’s the thing… you’re not demanding people like you, much less even read your words. Hello! You’re simply expressing yourself (dare I consider this art????????) and then letting people make up their own goddamn minds. That is all.
SO… keep writing the inappropriate shit that makes you guffaw with laughter when it pops into your head. I fucking triple raw dog dare you. FUCKING LET IF FLOW LIKE THE NIAGRA FALLS, BABY. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you, my love. You’re an outrageous sweary vibrant energetic glowing glob of a human. Never apologize for that, ever. ” ← higher self bitch to me. 🥹
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Holy HELL that was good. 😂 How do I even argue that??? 😂
So I guess I just have to… be myself?!?!?! Damn.
And you know what? That’s exactly what I did with this newsletter. I didn’t tone down the raw dog comments. I didn’t delete the hooker remarks. I didn’t remove the word bitch. Because like it or not, this is me motherfuckers. ← me to you my inner bitch critic.
Whew! 😂 I truly hope this inspires you to be more of you, too. And if I’m not your shot of whiskey? That’s go trip on a tree branch ok, too. Truly. 🙏
Going forward, I know there’s going to be lots more to be said on this very topic, because unfortunately for me, my shame roots run deeeeeeeep.
And it IS shameful for me to admit that I can’t just “snap my fingers” and fix this about me. I’m ashamed that I’m ashamed of my shame.
But it’s the truth. I am worried what people will think of me. I’m worried people will latch onto the most outrageous things I say and assume that’s only or all of me. It’s not. I’m way worse. JK. Kind of. 😂 I’m many things. Sweet and sour and spicey and sensitive and hilarious and deep and thoughtful and joke-y and more.
And so, I write.
And share the shameful thoughts. Because sometimes? Being vulnerable is the most shame-healing thing you can do. 🖤
And now, I hope that you have the absolute BEST Friday, being your whole self, exactly as you are. 🫶
-M
p.s. - last week at this time I was in Galway 😭 not over it. This is your sign: do the thing your soul is begging you to do. 💕💕💕💕
Hi, hello! You just read Shame Sandwich where I, Megan, share some shit with you in the only way I know how: blasphemously.
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Don’t tone anything down. Your shame knows no bounds, and we enjoy reading all about it.
Megan, I'm howling! That raw dog metaphor... 😂🙈 I can't stop laughing, but also, I so relate to that feeling of wanting to unleash my inner wild child but being terrified of judgment. It's like a constant battle between my 'zero fucks given' self and my 'people-pleasing' self. Thanks for putting it into words so hilariously!